I don't know if I should invite exes to our wedding

[Anonymous]

I'm going to the wedding of a guy I used to hook up with, on and off, for seven years. We were friends before that, and stayed friends afterward and now i'm friends with him and his fiancee. There are no lingering feelings on my part and I assume there are none on his. I have no idea if she knows we have slept together and I sure as hell will never tell her.

I suppose it's a little odd to go to his wedding, but i'm looking forward to it, as I really like them both.

[Anonymous]

Do not invite exes. Your loyalty should be to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to the wedding of a guy I used to hook up with, on and off, for seven years. We were friends before that, and stayed friends afterward and now i'm friends with him and his fiancee. There are no lingering feelings on my part and I assume there are none on his. I have no idea if she knows we have slept together and I sure as hell will never tell her.

I suppose it's a little odd to go to his wedding, but i'm looking forward to it, as I really like them both.

well good for you. in your scenario, imagine you are the woman/bride-to-be and your H to be invites an ex of his to the wedding - but she is someone you know as a freidn and have zero idea he was fucking her regularly. let's say you find out and realize that he deceived you - how would you feel.

so PP, it's not about you - it's about the partner being deliberately kept in the dark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to the wedding of a guy I used to hook up with, on and off, for seven years. We were friends before that, and stayed friends afterward and now i'm friends with him and his fiancee. There are no lingering feelings on my part and I assume there are none on his. I have no idea if she knows we have slept together and I sure as hell will never tell her.

I suppose it's a little odd to go to his wedding, but i'm looking forward to it, as I really like them both.

Definitely not your place to tell her. Up to her fiance to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here - NO WAY. you haven't told him that you slept with the guys he thinks are only friends. and you can't tell him now - it's way to late to come clean and it will not come off (to him) good at all.

Just invite them and say nothing.

nothing like starting a new life with a spouse blind to deception...and deceived at the goddamn wedding no less!

She hasn't told him before because it's none of his business. She shouldn't tell him now because it's still none of his business and it will just stir up trouble. If those guys haven't been jerks and told him, then she shouldn't either. That stuff is her past. Leave it there.

She's not under oath. She doesn't have an obligation to disclose every single thing. A relationship isn't a deposition.

I might agree with you except for one major point - OP still brings these guys around as "friends." If she had ONS or FWB situations with these guys and they were totally out of the picture, I would agree with you 100%. But bringing people around your mate that you have been intimate with AND not telling him is very bad for business. Let me put it this way...if he finds out eventually, OP saying "Honey I did not tell you that I used to bang the guy we hang out with because it is not your business" will NOT be well recieved AT ALL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So...am I the only one who thinks this is a small potatoes issue? If you're really starting your "for better or for worse", "'till death do us part" life together, you're gonna face aging parents, possible fertility issues, child-rearing dilemmas, maybe personal health crises, etc. If there is this much drama over a few dudes with whom you had a roll in the hay, you've got some tough decades ahead.

Invite these guys or don't, come clean with your fiancee or don't, but Lord, get some perspective. In the grander scheme, this is nothing.

Not so sure about that honestly. All the stuff that you mentioned ARE, in a vacum, much bigger issues than who she slept with before they met. However, her method of handling it is no small issue. She believes that deception and silence is the best way to resolve the issue. So...would YOU want to face life's challenges side by side with someone who cannot come clean about something like this? Although I could get past my mate's sexual history before me, the deception, the silence and the decision to bring that person around me would cause me to, at the very least, question judgment. I would wonder whether that person could be trusted when the crap really hits the fan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...am I the only one who thinks this is a small potatoes issue? If you're really starting your "for better or for worse", "'till death do us part" life together, you're gonna face aging parents, possible fertility issues, child-rearing dilemmas, maybe personal health crises, etc. If there is this much drama over a few dudes with whom you had a roll in the hay, you've got some tough decades ahead.

Invite these guys or don't, come clean with your fiancee or don't, but Lord, get some perspective. In the grander scheme, this is nothing.

Not so sure about that honestly. All the stuff that you mentioned ARE, in a vacum, much bigger issues than who she slept with before they met. However, her method of handling it is no small issue. She believes that deception and silence is the best way to resolve the issue. So...would YOU want to face life's challenges side by side with someone who cannot come clean about something like this? Although I could get past my mate's sexual history before me, the deception, the silence and the decision to bring that person around me would cause me to, at the very least, question judgment. I would wonder whether that person could be trusted when the crap really hits the fan.

+1

In all honesty, it doesn't matter what is acceptable to US, it matters what is acceptable to OP's fiance. OP knows he would not approve of her behavior, so she kept silent. She is pretending to be someone who she is NOT. That's a BIG problem when you are planning to get married. He needs to know the truth about her. If he cannot respect her because she had ONS or FWB, he is entitled to feel that way and end the engagement. If he can forgive her deception and still respect her, then they will get married. Either way, OP doesn't deserve to be married to someone who DOES NOT respect her.

OP, what are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here - NO WAY. you haven't told him that you slept with the guys he thinks are only friends. and you can't tell him now - it's way to late to come clean and it will not come off (to him) good at all.

Just invite them and say nothing.

nothing like starting a new life with a spouse blind to deception...and deceived at the goddamn wedding no less!

She hasn't told him before because it's none of his business. She shouldn't tell him now because it's still none of his business and it will just stir up trouble. If those guys haven't been jerks and told him, then she shouldn't either. That stuff is her past. Leave it there.

She's not under oath. She doesn't have an obligation to disclose every single thing. A relationship isn't a deposition.

I might agree with you except for one major point - OP still brings these guys around as "friends." If she had ONS or FWB situations with these guys and they were totally out of the picture, I would agree with you 100%. But bringing people around your mate that you have been intimate with AND not telling him is very bad for business. Let me put it this way...if he finds out eventually, OP saying "Honey I did not tell you that I used to bang the guy we hang out with because it is not your business" will NOT be well recieved AT ALL!

My perspective is different. I went to a tiny college. People frequently dated other friends' exes or former hook-ups. It was too little not to do that. We never told a boyfriend if we hooked up with his friends or fraternity brothers in the past, unless we felt like telling him. It just wasn't relevant to the present relationship. People who are threatened by that stuff are screamingly insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here - NO WAY. you haven't told him that you slept with the guys he thinks are only friends. and you can't tell him now - it's way to late to come clean and it will not come off (to him) good at all.

Just invite them and say nothing.

nothing like starting a new life with a spouse blind to deception...and deceived at the goddamn wedding no less!

She hasn't told him before because it's none of his business. She shouldn't tell him now because it's still none of his business and it will just stir up trouble. If those guys haven't been jerks and told him, then she shouldn't either. That stuff is her past. Leave it there.

She's not under oath. She doesn't have an obligation to disclose every single thing. A relationship isn't a deposition.

I might agree with you except for one major point - OP still brings these guys around as "friends." If she had ONS or FWB situations with these guys and they were totally out of the picture, I would agree with you 100%. But bringing people around your mate that you have been intimate with AND not telling him is very bad for business. Let me put it this way...if he finds out eventually, OP saying "Honey I did not tell you that I used to bang the guy we hang out with because it is not your business" will NOT be well recieved AT ALL!

My perspective is different. I went to a tiny college. People frequently dated other friends' exes or former hook-ups. It was too little not to do that. We never told a boyfriend if we hooked up with his friends or fraternity brothers in the past, unless we felt like telling him. It just wasn't relevant to the present relationship. People who are threatened by that stuff are screamingly insecure.

I get what you are saying - I just think you are ignoring one major aspect of OP's situation. Namely, the fact that these people are still major parts of her life and SHE is the one who broght them in as friends to her current relationship. I am probably the least insecure person around but that aspect of it bothers me. IMO it IS relevant to the current relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm 10:20 - I assume my ex wouldn't have invited me if he thought it wouldn't be ok. They easily could have left me off of the invite list without any hurt feelings. They have been dating for awhile and I met her pretty early on. He shared with me his proposal plans before he proposed and I was really excited for him and for her.

She knew he dated a lot before they met - they're both in their mid-late 30's - so I assume she knows that he has dated and/or slept with at least a couple of people in our large social circle. So I doubt it's an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:guy here - NO WAY. you haven't told him that you slept with the guys he thinks are only friends. and you can't tell him now - it's way to late to come clean and it will not come off (to him) good at all.

Just invite them and say nothing.

nothing like starting a new life with a spouse blind to deception...and deceived at the goddamn wedding no less!

She hasn't told him before because it's none of his business. She shouldn't tell him now because it's still none of his business and it will just stir up trouble. If those guys haven't been jerks and told him, then she shouldn't either. That stuff is her past. Leave it there.

She's not under oath. She doesn't have an obligation to disclose every single thing. A relationship isn't a deposition.

I might agree with you except for one major point - OP still brings these guys around as "friends." If she had ONS or FWB situations with these guys and they were totally out of the picture, I would agree with you 100%. But bringing people around your mate that you have been intimate with AND not telling him is very bad for business. Let me put it this way...if he finds out eventually, OP saying "Honey I did not tell you that I used to bang the guy we hang out with because it is not your business" will NOT be well recieved AT ALL!

My perspective is different. I went to a tiny college. People frequently dated other friends' exes or former hook-ups. It was too little not to do that. We never told a boyfriend if we hooked up with his friends or fraternity brothers in the past, unless we felt like telling him. It just wasn't relevant to the present relationship. People who are threatened by that stuff are screamingly insecure.

Your experience is not similar. You said basically that ALL of you participated in ONS or dated each other's exes. That isn't the case here.

First of all, this is her FIANCE, not just a boyfriend. Secondly, he does NOT approve of ONS or FWB, which is why she never told him. Plus, they are FRIENDS with the guys she slept with ONS/FWB.

OP's fiance knows she's not a virgin. He just doesn't know she slept with the friends she introduced them to. That has nothing to do with insecurity, it has to do with being deceitful.

[Anonymous]

I was in my exes wedding. Be an adult. Communicate.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like an attention-drama queen. Probably look at yourself as independent and empowered for sleeping around and it says volumes that you are marrying a more traditional man. So here's a guy who probably only stuck his dick into women whom he really cared about (a novel concept) and you invite men to the wedding you have had sex with. But I know, everybody is friends and if your fiance can't deal with it, he's insecure and not masculine, right?

[Anonymous]

Tell him. He has the right to know. No secrets between husband and wife. It's not fair to him that you have this intimate secret between you and guys he thinks are just "friends". How would you feel if the situation was reversed??!!

[Anonymous]

If the peepee or vag was manipulated then no