Today is the day that I hate my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very mercurial, disloyal, and self-absorbed.

I think if I were married to you, I'd develop a tough exterior to deal with you, too. I bet you don't even realize how much you hurt him on a regular basis, but the fact that you would jump to divorce because you feel entitled to some fictional perfect spouse and the fact that you mention how you don't need him? I am sure he knows that's how you feel and I am sure it hurts him deeply and makes him not want to be vulnerable to you.

When I say I don't "need" him, I mean that I feel like a confident, self-sufficient human being on my own. I do not need a husband. Very honestly, I prefer a husband who doesn't "need" me either. If you need another person to make you whole, I don't think that's particularly healthy. But sure, maybe I am to blame for the way I am treated, to some extent. That's probably accurate.

PP here.

You literally just said (20:15): "I am not particularly high maintenance. but, I need to be needed. that's me."

See what I mean? That sort of mercurial attitude shift in just a few minutes ("I need to be needed!" "No, if you need another person, it's not healthy!") drives MANY down-to-earth, loyal, hardworking, and GOOD people bonkers. Some people can handle that. Some people (like your husband) get very flustered and hurt because they feel like they have NO idea which way is up with you. It tends to lead to distance and emotional walling-off.

I really think, if you are truly considering divorce, you need to take a long, hard look at how your actions/attitude is affecting this marriage. You may want to consider counseling (for just you, or both you and him).

I think he sounds like a good person (you do, too -- you're thoughtful and responsible sounding, you just don't have the same personality as him). You are both probably perceiving slights when in fact what you need is to step back and think of better ways to make sure the other person is getting what they need so they can feel vulnerable.

P.S. The reason I responded is that my DH and I are your DH and you, respectively. After 12 years of marriage, we hit a wall and counseling, as well as taking responsibility for what we were bringing to the relationship, really helped. Of course, DH did not do counseling right away (I started first) because most emotionally "tough" people have trouble realizing they need help -- but eventually it was making such a difference with just me doing it, it cracked his shell and he dived in.

Good luck, really.

[Anonymous]

And I am not posting here for people to say, "OMG, you are so right! I would never stay with a man who didn't say "thank you" when you told him what an awesome burrito he made!" I realize no one but me knows what my relationship is or whether it is worth being part of. It's something I will navigate my way through. But, it's interesting to hear the various perspectives.

[Anonymous]

What happened yesterday that tipped the scales?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very mercurial, disloyal, and self-absorbed.

I think if I were married to you, I'd develop a tough exterior to deal with you, too. I bet you don't even realize how much you hurt him on a regular basis, but the fact that you would jump to divorce because you feel entitled to some fictional perfect spouse and the fact that you mention how you don't need him? I am sure he knows that's how you feel and I am sure it hurts him deeply and makes him not want to be vulnerable to you.

When I say I don't "need" him, I mean that I feel like a confident, self-sufficient human being on my own. I do not need a husband. Very honestly, I prefer a husband who doesn't "need" me either. If you need another person to make you whole, I don't think that's particularly healthy. But sure, maybe I am to blame for the way I am treated, to some extent. That's probably accurate.

PP here.

You literally just said (20:15): "I am not particularly high maintenance. but, I need to be needed. that's me."

See what I mean? That sort of mercurial attitude shift in just a few minutes ("I need to be needed!" "No, if you need another person, it's not healthy!" drives MANY down-to-earth, loyal, hardworking, and GOOD people bonkers. Some people can handle that. Some people (like your husband) get very flustered and hurt because they feel like they have NO idea which way is up with you. It tends to lead to distance and emotional walling-off.

I really think, if you are truly considering divorce, you need to take a long, hard look at how your actions/attitude is affecting this marriage. You may want to consider counseling (for just you, or both you and him).

I think he sounds like a good person (you do, too -- you're thoughtful and responsible sounding, you just don't have the same personality as him). You are both probably perceiving slights when in fact what you need is to step back and think of better ways to make sure the other person is getting what they need so they can feel vulnerable.

P.S. The reason I responded is that my DH and I are your DH and you, respectively. After 12 years of marriage, we hit a wall and counseling, as well as taking responsibility for what we were bringing to the relationship, really helped. Of course, DH did not do counseling right away (I started first) because most emotionally "tough" people have trouble realizing they need help -- but eventually it was making such a difference with just me doing it, it cracked his shell and he dived in.

Good luck, really.

<3 , /s/ OP. Thank you. This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened yesterday that tipped the scales?

Eh, I don't know. Same ole shit. But, his brother is visiting and he gets extraordinarily unbearable when his brother is home. It is one thing when it is just he and I, but mother f'er, it is literally unbearable for me to have to see him meet every thing I say with ridicule when another person is here to witness it. And I have to keep it bottled up b/c I don't want to start yelling with my poor BIL in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just said a silent prayer thanking my lucky stars that I am married to a woman like my wife.

Not in a million years would she even consider ending our marriage for the reasons you cited. But then, there is no way that I would consider ending my marriage for those reasons.

The difference, OP, is that when we married it was for keeps. There are ups and downs in our relationship but in the ultimate analysis we are committed to each other.

That's wonderful. You are a wonderful person. Bask in your superiority with your wife. I, sadly, am a less wonderful person and I am trying to navigate my way. It's the downside of imperfection.

Oh, we have imperfections for sure. But - and this is not because we are religious - we actually believed we married for "better or for worse". We all change over the years - sometimes for the better and at other times for the worse.

[Anonymous]

Is he good in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he good in bed?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him to me please. Mine is a cheater

Mine too. I can't help but think someone on here will leave their husband and find mine (after we divorce) and think they are trading up. He will never tell someone why we are really divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened yesterday that tipped the scales?

Eh, I don't know. Same ole shit. But, his brother is visiting and he gets extraordinarily unbearable when his brother is home. It is one thing when it is just he and I, but mother f'er, it is literally unbearable for me to have to see him meet every thing I say with ridicule when another person is here to witness it. And I have to keep it bottled up b/c I don't want to start yelling with my poor BIL in the house.

Condescending and humiliating behavior is never sexy or loving or something I want modeled in front of my kids. I'm sorry OP. If he can't change that, it's a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just said a silent prayer thanking my lucky stars that I am married to a woman like my wife.

Not in a million years would she even consider ending our marriage for the reasons you cited. But then, there is no way that I would consider ending my marriage for those reasons.

The difference, OP, is that when we married it was for keeps. There are ups and downs in our relationship but in the ultimate analysis we are committed to each other.

Being married to somebody who is mean-spirited and unkind is a damn good reason to leave.

[Anonymous]

If he is unkind you should state that he is and excuse yourself and leave the room. Meanwhile if you can anticipate these situations, you should avoid them. You say he's loyal. Being unkind won't change overnight. But maybe he needs less of you - at least for awhile. Try a neutral but self-protective approach. I think you owe it a few years for your daughter to see if a new balance can be achieved.

[Anonymous]

Op did not articulate her feeling well in spite of being a lawyer. I can see more subtle problems between the lines.

How is he unkind?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to him about these issues? Have you tried therapy (both couples and individual)? I don't think you have an obligation to stay with him indefinitely if he is cruel, but I definitely think you both have an obligation to do your best to stay together if you can figure out a way to be happier. Once kids are in the picture, I don't think you have the luxury of bailing without working on things as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what does "marrying to check the box" mean? Is that marrying just say I was married? I don't think that's the case.

You married to conform to societal norms. Look at all the horrible things you just said about your husband and the father of your children. You're willing to destroy your family over petty bullshit. Why, exactly, did you marry him then?

I married him because I love him. He is honest. He is loyal. He doesn't sit on his ass on a Saturday while I bust my ass cleaning the house. At that time, he also adored me (and me him). I knew that his faults included social anxiety, a lack of spontaneity (i.e., I am the one who plans every vacation - he could sit on his ass in our hometown and not care a bit), and this overall hard exterior. Over time, the hard exterior has gotten harder - unbearably so. Shit happens, right?

He's sounds horrible. Simply awful. Divorce him. Immediately. He's an "a'hole".