Faithful men and women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as you realize that sex in its best sense is over and you're ok with that then it's no prob. Men tend to miss high quality sex more since they are hard wired for mating.

WTF. I don't know what kind of marriage you are in, but we still have sex every day, and not prefunctorily (I'd be willing to go for more, if DH wanted it). In any event, if one party is not getting enough sex, then the adult thing to do is to discuss it with your partner, not to cheat. If after discussion, the parties can't come to a mutually agreeable compromise, and your frequency/type of sex is that important to you, then divorce. Or enter into an open marriage. There is no excuse for lying and cheating of any sort.

Tough to compromise on sex. If one person wants to have sex and the other doesn't, but they have sex anyway, that's pretty rapey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced man here.

I was married for 10 years. We were married during our senior year in college, so I had a lot of 'girls' hit on me. Over the years coworkers, high school friends and even a few of my ex-wife's friends made advances.

My marriage was one-sided, and my ex-wife will admit that she was a bad wife. Still, it was never difficult to refuse all those opportunities. I loved her and even though things were bad, I never believed that they couldn't get better. I always thought about the person I fell in love with and believed that she was still in there somewhere.

My father cheated on my stepmom every chance he got. He used to take me with him to their houses. I vowed that I would never be like him, so maybe that was part of it. I was faithful to the very end, which is something I'm very proud of.

Yours is a sweet and lovely post. You should be proud of your commitment and loyalty, and I am sure that your future (or current) wife is a lucky woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as you realize that sex in its best sense is over and you're ok with that then it's no prob. Men tend to miss high quality sex more since they are hard wired for mating.

WTF. I don't know what kind of marriage you are in, but we still have sex every day, and not prefunctorily (I'd be willing to go for more, if DH wanted it). In any event, if one party is not getting enough sex, then the adult thing to do is to discuss it with your partner, not to cheat. If after discussion, the parties can't come to a mutually agreeable compromise, and your frequency/type of sex is that important to you, then divorce. Or enter into an open marriage. There is no excuse for lying and cheating of any sort.

Tough to compromise on sex. If one person wants to have sex and the other doesn't, but they have sex anyway, that's pretty rapey.

I am not suggesting one partner jump on the other (duh). However, let's say one partner likes to have sex 10 times a week and the other likes to have sex two times a week. They compromise and have sex five times a week - less than one partner likes and more than another partner likes. With both consenting every time, obviously. How is that rape? That's a compromise for the sake of marital harmony. People don't only have sex when both are so horny from the get-go that they start ripping clothes off like romance novel characters. Occasionally, people have sex where one partner is more into it than the other, but as long as both are into it, I fail to see the issue. Sometimes DH is really in the mood and I am tired. If I am tired enough, I say no and it goes no further. But most of the time, we go for it (with my very obvious consent), because guess what - I love him, and making him happy makes me happy, not to mention that I am attracted to him so having sex with him is hardly a hardship even if it takes a little extra to get me in the mood at those times. And sometimes the shoe is on the other foot - he is exhausted after a long day and I am feeling frisky. He loves me, so most of the time he is willing to work to get in the mood, but when he doesn't, I hardly force him. Marriage is often work and compromise about a lot of things, why should sex be any different? If you love your partner, why would you mind making him happy?

[Anonymous]

^^^ this is what the death of sex is. For men, it's sad that sex is so exciting and the best thing the world has to offer in the beginning of a relationship, then it turns into this.

I'm not saying its horrible , it's just not sex at its most powerful and it keeps getting more boring and soul killing as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

^^^ this is what the death of sex is. For men, it's sad that sex is so exciting and the best thing the world has to offer in the beginning of a relationship, then it turns into this.

I'm not saying its horrible , it's just not sex at its most powerful and it keeps getting more boring and soul killing as time goes on.

[Anonymous]

When you first have sex with somebody ...mmmmm.

When you have sex that is "compromise for marital harmony" deep inside you want to die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you first have sex with somebody ...mmmmm.

When you have sex that is "compromise for marital harmony" deep inside you want to die.

Look, long-term monogamy (with its attendant complexities and occasional compromises - even if you married a nympho, occasionally she'd catch a cold and not be able to perform), is clearly not for you. That's fine, plenty of people are not cut out for it. Just do everyone a favor and find a partner who is happy in an open marriage or swinging, or don't get married/get divorced and play the field. Just don't cheat on an unsuspecting partner. It's pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

^^ some things are more important than sex. But just admit it , sex in its best most satisfying beauty is over.. Dead .. A huge loss. It cannot even be spoken of in such honest terms among married people since the truth damages the facade of what people hope a marriage can be. Weirdness, secrecy of loss , dissapointment and knowing that sex at its best is completely over at 30-35 is the price of monogamy . And honest discussion between partners could ruin the marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you think the real beauty of sex is all about feeling non-stop tempestuous, ripping your clothes off, 24/7 passion, then please do not marry or get into a monogamous long-term relationship. No one and nothing can live up to your Harlequin fantasy.

People, no matter how passionately matched, are never fully in synch every day. Sometimes one is tired or sick or busy. When you are single, you don't expect to have fabulous sex every time you want it---you have to find a willing partner first.

After 20 years and a lot of rough spots, sex still feels new and exciting and intensely passionate and satisfying with my husband. But then we're intense and passionate people to begin with, and we pay the price emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here- married 12 years. I hate drama and stress .. Therefore having an affair has never appealed to me. Of
Course I think about it- I'm not a nun- but it just seems like too much trouble .

+1! Who the hell has time? If I had the time and energy to have an affair, I'd put that time and energy into my marriage. Why the hell would I want to start from scratch with someone new? Someone who's not half as well suited to me as DW is? I'm not going to find better.

Because some of us have spouses with whom we're not sexually compatible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Faithful woman here. Married 22 years. Never considered cheating even when relationship was kind of sucky. Husband cheated, though, so I left.

I think that your moral code is a stronger factor in whether you cheat than any specific actions or absence of action from your spouse.

This is what I was going to say. But PP said it better.

You either value an honest and respectful approach to other humans, or you don't.

That is true and you also have to know yourself. I've been married to DW for 26 yrs. this Aug., faithful. May have thought about a lark and DW has even suggested a discrete one would be OK for me though I know that's not true (we have been completely out of sync physically for some time and it bugs the hell out of me). But I know me, given the risks of STDs and other sideshow issues, the physical side is not enough for me to stray. If I ever do, I will know that we are done but I still want to be with DW, though she knows that status quo cannot go on indefinitely so she, too, has to decide what she wants (I have no indication DW has been unfaithful and I am pretty sure I'd know....).

That's so great. DH is not hot for my bod. Actually, he wasn't when we got married (knew each other for 4 years before marriage). I should have realized then that it was not sustainable.

p.s. part of equation is that after knowing DW for 34 yrs I am still totally hot for her bod ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Faithful woman here. Married 22 years. Never considered cheating even when relationship was kind of sucky. Husband cheated, though, so I left.

I think that your moral code is a stronger factor in whether you cheat than any specific actions or absence of action from your spouse.

+1

I also agree w the morality statement. I am faithful and would not cheat. We have been married 9 years. I went into our marriage with the expectation of working out any problems other than abuse or cheating. Those are my dealbreakers, which means divorce not cheating.

We work out our issues and do what is best for our marriage and each other. We do not care about keeping up w the joneses or what they think. We just focus on making each other happy.

My husband thinks having sex is work. He'd rather relax (surf the Net and watch TV). I still can't believe I married someone who really isn't into sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for 9 years.Never cheated on husband or boyfriends before marriage. Simply not interested.Don't need the physical aspect of it. I don't care to be bothered or flattered by men.They've been trying to get my attention since I was 15.
If DH and I fight, I just concentrate on doing things like cleaning, thinking about my life,kids.New guy with new problems is last thing that crossed my mind.

Woman here. I really need the physical aspect, and nothing better than attention from men. You're lucky that you can take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as you realize that sex in its best sense is over and you're ok with that then it's no prob. Men tend to miss high quality sex more since they are hard wired for mating.

WTF. I don't know what kind of marriage you are in, but we still have sex every day, and not prefunctorily (I'd be willing to go for more, if DH wanted it). In any event, if one party is not getting enough sex, then the adult thing to do is to discuss it with your partner, not to cheat. If after discussion, the parties can't come to a mutually agreeable compromise, and your frequency/type of sex is that important to you, then divorce. Or enter into an open marriage. There is no excuse for lying and cheating of any sort.

Easy to say, hard to do, especially if it's the guy who really doesn't want sex very frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've been together for 10 years, married for five. Despite the fact that she only had one serious boyfriend before me and doesn't have much experience, she is an excellent flirt to me. She is very good at making me feel special. I told her two months ago I wanted to see a movie that's coming out next week - she lined up a babysitter this morning and made reservations at a restaurant I like for after the movie. She does things like this ALL the time. Her face lights up when she sees me - huge ego boost. When I had a big presentation at work she not only made me breakfast that morning (getting up an hour earlier than she normally does) but she taught the 3 yr old a cheer and they performed it for me on my way out the door. A freaking cheer! When I was taking my bar exam she arranged for me to get a massage at the start of it and the end of it.

I would never cheat on her. I hit the jackpot.

She sounds great, just make sure you do things for her too and let her know how much you appreciate her.

Ex-wife here and I agree. I'm the type like your DW. If my ex had ever appreciated my efforts or reacted in such a sweet, positive way as you must...things would have been very different. There were tons of other issues, but I'm a giver and a doer. I wanted to make him happy...just didn't work.

As for the original question -- despite being miserable for many years, I can honestly say the thought never even crossed my mind to cheat. In all seriousness. We were sexless at times, he was verbally abusive and it sucked for a long time. I still thought there was hope up until the last year. And I was in my marriage and committed until we separated (by that point, we were over and there was never any talk of reconciliation).