Feeling slighted on FB by DH

[Anonymous]

My DH and I don't even say happy birthday to each other on FB - and we both look at it once every 2-3 days.

We say happy birthday in person. Posting stuff on your spouse's wall isn't for the spouse, it's to show off to others how cute and in love you are. It's like making out in public - either for attention or because you are so self-involved that you're oblivious to others.

Maybe DH thinks your cutesy stuff on his page is embarrassing and because he loves you, he ignores it instead of telling you to stop and hurting your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He ignores me in day to day life, too.

I was just sort of checking on fB to find out if he did that there too and he does...I mean, we have both been on FB five years and he has not one single time commented or liked anything I have ever posted on my wall or his wall and yet he has commented on many other people's posts. I think it is weird.

And as I said, I did not post a lot of things on his wall - just 7 or 8 things over the years so I am not some crazy FB person.

This is the real problem.

Facebook doesn't matter. Real life does.

If he ignores you in real life, then you need to sit down and talk to him about it, not try to reach him on Facebook.

I hate when husbands and wives have public Facebook conversations. It's like online public displays of affection. I don't need witness another couple's intimate moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Stop looking for validation. You are worried that your FB friends don't see your husband commenting. You really just want your FB friends to think that you have a good marriage. Maybe you do and maybe you don't but FB is not a good gauge of one's ACTUAL life.

Not at all. I just wanted him to acknowledge me and be a little bit happy that I posted something interesting/nice for him to see. That I wrote a funny thing about him. That I was thinking of him. That I was proud of our wedding photo and wanted friends to see it who had not been to the wedding.

OP, your situation sounds sad to me. I don't FB, but I was in an unhappy marriage to a major withholder. He never gave compliments or even acknowledged when I'd do things to demonstrate my love for him. Routine stuff. At a certain point I did look up and around at other relationships to see if the absences in my marriage were normal. Was I really asking for too much? Was I "needy"? Nope, just married to a jerk.

It sounds like you don't feel connected to your partner or affirmed. FB is not the place to find it. I get that you were just wandering around your history and noticed the pattern of ignoring your public declarations. That would hurt anyone's feelings, to see a stretch of time when heartfelt statements weren't acknowledged, when the norm is to do so.

I just wanted to be happy and to share with my husband a sense of celebration at what (I thought) we'd found in each other.

I wish you joy, OP. Get off FB and into a serious conversation with your DH.

Report back, please. Let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I find it weird when spouses write on each others' walls, period. You live in the same house! Concentrate on your real life relationship not your virtual one.

[Anonymous]

If your relationship is otherwise fine, then you're being ridiculous. FB is not a mandatory component of marriage!

DH and I have Facebook accounts but we are not friends and have never exchanged any communications at all via Facebook. I don't use FB to talk to my spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP - yes you're being overly sensitive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd when spouses wish each other happy birthday or anniversary on FB, or when they post about their "15 years with the most wonderful man alive" or whatever. The blatant attention seeking is off-putting. Is it possible your husband feels this way as well?

OP here. I hate that too. I never post anything like that. I posted a simple wedding picture with the date and said happy anniversary.

OP - your post is EXACTLY what the PP is talking about. Give it to him in a card. Your anniversary post IS blatant attention seeking.

[Anonymous]

Ugh this is stupid. This is why i deleted my fb account. Get a real life.

[Anonymous]

Personally i think it is annoying when people post "happy 3rd Bday to my son/daughter." Or wishing their spouse a happy anniversary. Why use FB for that purpose? Can you do it in person or over the phone? Just looks like a desperate attempt to get attention from others.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to take a break from FB for a month or so. See how that goes.

[Anonymous]

Like PP said -FB in general is a desperate attempt to get attention from others.

Just yesterday I read a post from a "friend" saying "I want to thank my AMAZING husband for watching our boys and coming up with all these creative things for them to do! Love you babe!

Then he writes - Oh, it doesn't' compare to all of the loving care you give them everyday! Love you too!

Can I seriously throw up? What is the point of writing that on FB except to try to get attention from others and pretend you have this AMAZING marriage. If he's so AMAZING then tell him personally or send him a personal email.

I digress - Get over wanting your husband to comment on FB. It means NOTHING. What he does IRL is what counts.

I hate FB so much I'm thinking of just deleted my account. There is no value in it. Maybe once a year I get to hear some gossip about someone or see their new baby - besides that, its all just a waste of time.

The people who post the most on FB are clearly the most insecure in their lives. There is one girl who keeps changing her profile picture over and over by rotating glamour shots so that she'll more and more comments and likes. Its pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I thought I was one of the few people who really disliked the attention seeking FB posts addressed to one's spouse or child. Glad I'm not alone. I hate FB, too and am on it less and less these days. It's very fake and feeds our narcissistic culture.

To the OP-I would really think about why it means so much to you that your husband comment on your posts. I second the many people on this thread who asked how your marriage is IRL. If it's good then I wouldn't worry about FB. Maybe your husband is uncomfortable with FB PDA's or feels like he doesn't need to communicate with you via FB since he does so IRL.

I would accept the fact that your husband isn't that into FB posting and let it go. Don't expect him to respond to your posts.

My husband and I have a good marriage (at least as far as I know anyway-I can't read his mind but he says he's happy) and we don't communicate at all on FB.

[Anonymous]

OP I am going to say this as nicely as possible. Your husband lives in the same house as you. You should show him the photos in person. You should provide birthday notes to him in person or tuck them into his pocket before he leaves for work. You are using Facebook to show all of your friends that you have a husband who cares about you. When he doesn't respond to your posts, it feels like he doesn't care about you, but -- more importantly -- you are afraid that your friends think your husband doesn't care about you.

You married your husband so that you could have an intimate relationship with him. Have that relationship with him and make it special and meaningful. Do not prattle all over Facebook details you should share with your husband.

[Anonymous]

I always think it's really lame when spouses write on each others fb accounts. It just seems so fake- why comment on a picture when you are sitting next to each other on the couch. I cringe when friends comment on their spouses wall.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why so many people are irritated by someone posting something nice about their spouse. I tell my spouse how great he is, in person, everyday. When I post something on Facebook about how great I think he is, it's so his friends and family can see and acknowledge it as well.

Public acknowledgement makes people feel good. It's why we have award ceremonies and graduations. To completely ignore when someone compliments you publicly is rude.