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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Thanks all. I'm clearly having trouble conveying myself, and the church thing is kind of a red herring although it was what crossed the line for me. Basically there’s a longstanding pattern of kind of holding the family hostage with stubbornness. Like if everyone but her prefers a certain restaurant, she will stay home rather than go to the one she doesn’t want to go to. Or if she finishes eating early and others aren’t ready to go yet, she will go sit in the car. Or she will bring her large dog to inappropriate places. And then she is innocently oblivious that her actions cause others discomfort.

PPs are probably right that I need to start setting firmer boundaries, and just let the chips fall. I really do like her, I just get so frustrated that she herself expects so much sensitivity, but does not extend others the same courtesy.[/quote]

Ugh - Okay, OP.  Forget the church thing.  This is the problem.  Your post right here.  And it's my BIGGEST pet peeve of familial behaviors.  So, I want to try and help you through this.  You need to repeat this mantra every day, every evening until you see SIL again.  "I own my own behaviors.  I own my own decisions.  No one can make me feel a certain way.  And no one can make me do something I don't want to do."

You see, here's the problem.  You (and your entire IL family apparently) bends over backwards to accommodate your SIL. And then get mad at HER because YOU agreed to do something.  You get mad at her because YOU feel a certain way (discomfort) it's not her stubbornness, her rudeness, her personality or her anything that's the problem.  It's yours (and your families).  If she stays home because she doesn't like a restaurant - that's HER issue - not yours.  You all make a family decision and enjoy it.  It is up to her to go or stay home.  She eats and sits in the car - you order a dessert if you want one and enjoy yourselves.

Do you get it?  You control YOUR emotions and behaviors.  No one else.  She cannot make you do anything.  You need to practice this until it starts getting comfortable for you.  Once that happens, you'll be able to enjoy her company on her terms.....AND YOUR TERMS.

[/quote]

I agree, but how does this work with the dog situation? If they've agreed to rent a house together and have it be no dogs, and sil shows u with a dog, and op wants to protect her allergic kids from having to spend a week miserable with a dog, how do you handle this? My sister once did this, and when we to,d her to kennel the dogs (my parents even. Offered to pay for one near the beach house) she threatened to drive home with all her kids and everyone gave in.[/quote]

Or rather, I didnt give in, mp but my parents did, so I was stuck wheezing and runny nosed all week.[/quote]

Well, no one can make you do something you don't want to.  You either stay and suck it up or leave.  if it's a big enough house - you declare the downstairs (or kitchen or family room) a NO-DOG zone.  You get a gate and you say - this is my space, I don't want dog hair here.  No hard feelings - but you either succumb (but then don't bitch about it) or you leave.  That's what SIL does - she either gets her way or leaves.  You do the same.[/quote]

After I've paid for my flights and portion of rent and we'd agreed no dogs? No. Dander gets into air vents and spreads all over the house, and she's not willing to keep it restricted anyway.[/quote]

Then tell her she can't stay there with her dog. Period.[/quote]

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