Close to fifty and considering divorce

[Anonymous]

OP, how about if you tell her if she doesn't want relations that you should be able to seek it outside with her permission? She will say no at first but negotiate it with her. Get it in writing in case you guys end up divorced so she can't change her mind and claim cheating. And whatever she finds important that she doesn't get met, you would yield on it. Each gets one thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

You sound horribly selfish and self-absorbed. Whatever mistake your mother may have made, she lives with it everyday. And to have you compound it with your selfish, all-about-me vitriol is sickening. Maybe she's better off without you and your sisters if your idea of love is beating up on your mother emotionally.

I don't think the poster sounds selfish. I married an adult child of divorce with a similar story. His parents are the self-absorbed ones fighting like selfish children to make sure they get their equal share of time with their kids and grandkids and throwing hissy fits over things. They dragged their children into their cauldron of conflict and dysfunction instead of letting them love both parents and do what they can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how about if you tell her if she doesn't want relations that you should be able to seek it outside with her permission? She will say no at first but negotiate it with her. Get it in writing in case you guys end up divorced so she can't change her mind and claim cheating. And whatever she finds important that she doesn't get met, you would yield on it. Each gets one thing.

you are really sad.

[Anonymous]

My DH was like you in a loveless marriage and decided he wanted to be happy again. He divorced and then met me-yeah! Anyway, I think he has found happiness again. If you're a good guy, you will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like you in a loveless marriage and decided he wanted to be happy again. He divorced and then met me-yeah! Anyway, I think he has found happiness again. If you're a good guy, you will too.

PP, did your DH have children and if so, how is that relationship? I'm not the OP, but looking for encouraging stories -- or a reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like you in a loveless marriage and decided he wanted to be happy again. He divorced and then met me-yeah! Anyway, I think he has found happiness again. If you're a good guy, you will too.

PP, did your DH have children and if so, how is that relationship? I'm not the OP, but looking for encouraging stories -- or a reality check.

sounds like you're looking for trouble.
BTW, these are the words of the second wife, not her husband, she says he is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

Wake up and grow up, Child! There was most likely a very good reason, but didn't feel they owed you the details. You know far less than you think about your parents and their marriage. It was their choice to make and I'm sure it doesn't mean they loved you any less. There is only so much a person can take and it sounds like they'd had enough of whatever misery they were in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

Wake up and grow up, Child! There was most likely a very good reason, but didn't feel they owed you the details. You know far less than you think about your parents and their marriage. It was their choice to make and I'm sure it doesn't mean they loved you any less. There is only so much a person can take and it sounds like they'd had enough of whatever misery they were in.

This response is very harsh. Your kids will be crushed and probably not respect you....and you will feel the sting. my marriage survived an affair. We got past it. Made massive changes in our life. If we can do it, anyone can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.


Wake up and grow up, Child! There was most likely a very good reason, but didn't feel they owed you the details. You know far less than you think about your parents and their marriage. It was their choice to make and I'm sure it doesn't mean they loved you any less. There is only so much a person can take and it sounds like they'd had enough of whatever misery they were in.


.

I agree. Your parent's marriage is not about you as an adult child. BTW, that 30 year "happy" marriage was probably not so happy. Expecting your parent's to live the remainder of their lives in misery so that you can live a fantasy and not have to "negotiate" holidays is extremely selfish.

[Anonymous]

stay where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. And I realize this may sound selfish or immature, but as a DH close to 50, I am incredibly frustrated by the situation. MY DW doesn't want relations, and I think because it is for control and away to punish me. I understand what you are saying and suspect you are correct but I feel like my wife know I am stuck and can therefore treat me like shit. So I have to put up with a bad situation because of the kids. How is she going to treat me once they are out of the house ? I do not think it is going to be pretty.

If she is close to your age (50) this might have something to do with her hormones - perimenopause/menopause?

[Anonymous]

Also, exercise really helps. A lot. Maybe you two could do something active and fun together - a hike, bike ride. Later you could share a bottle of wine, put on some music and play poker or some other game. Just keep it light and fun. Nothing heavy.

Try taking an evening walk together every night, join a gym or at least encourage her to get out and be more active.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.


Wake up and grow up, Child! There was most likely a very good reason, but didn't feel they owed you the details. You know far less than you think about your parents and their marriage. It was their choice to make and I'm sure it doesn't mean they loved you any less. There is only so much a person can take and it sounds like they'd had enough of whatever misery they were in.


.

I agree. Your parent's marriage is not about you as an adult child. BTW, that 30 year "happy" marriage was probably not so happy. Expecting your parent's to live the remainder of their lives in misery so that you can live a fantasy and not have to "negotiate" holidays is extremely selfish.

It's extremely selfish when divorced parents expect you to split your time between them and the spouse's parents. Sometimes you suck it up and deal with your ex or just see the grandkids less. Some families cannot afford to spend the money it takes to deal with visiting parents separately and they should not be forced to use up all of their vacation days trying to please adults who cannot be civil. You have a right to do what is best for your own well-being, but so do your kids and grandkids. If you still have unresolved feelings toward your ex, get help, but keep the kids and grandkids out of it.

[Anonymous]

DC and I don't have "relations" as much as we'd like, but I just can't imagine wanting to split up and start again after getting through having kids and all. It's never crossed my mind. I mean how hard is it to live in retirement, read books, exercise, go out with friends and travel around? My parents never spent all day in the house together in retirement. My mom just lost her husband and hates being alone now. Hopefully she'll remarry, but she definitely does not regret staying married all those years and those couple friends are the ones helping her out now. Enjoy a couple of years together retired while you still have the time.

[Anonymous]

We have been married 30 years. many ups and downs. Financially, divorce would be a killer for us, so we stay together. We could live separate lives if we wanted to, but as the kids got older, we grew closer. Don't underestimate the financial impact. For a man, it is relatively easy to find another woman, however you might find the new one very expensive, especially if she is younger. For the woman, over 50, pretty tough going for the average woman.