Close to fifty and considering divorce

[Anonymous]

My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

Not the OP, but thank you for this perspective, which I needed to hear.
DH and I have been planning to split, amicably after 2 years of discussions but neither one of us relishes life alone. We may stay together and tough it out - even if just for convenience, intactness for the kids' sakes, and companionship, and then,...who knows? At the moment we are working on a legal "non-separation" agreement that defines acceptable anger management, gives each of us a measure of autonomy in the areas in which we clash (finances, and spending priorities, child discipline) and maybe permits sex outside the marriage (tough one to figure out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

OP here. Thank you for sharing. And I realize this may sound selfish or immature, but as a DH close to 50, I am incredibly frustrated by the situation. MY DW doesn't want relations, and I think because it is for control and away to punish me. I understand what you are saying and suspect you are correct but I feel like my wife know I am stuck and can therefore treat me like shit. So I have to put up with a bad situation because of the kids. How is she going to treat me once they are out of the house ? I do not think it is going to be pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you prepared to grow old alone?

Why do you think OP would have to go it alone? Older men have it better in seeking companionship than older women. And what's so terrible about being alone but not lonely? I intend to depart when the last goes to college. They are aware of this. There is no way, no how, not in this lifetime would I even remotely think of getting married again or living with anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

You sound horribly selfish and self-absorbed. Whatever mistake your mother may have made, she lives with it everyday. And to have you compound it with your selfish, all-about-me vitriol is sickening. Maybe she's better off without you and your sisters if your idea of love is beating up on your mother emotionally.

[Anonymous]

OP I hate to be blunt but if your wife no longer wants relations look in the mirror. Too many men let themselves go..fat, balding and just incredibly unattractive. She may have let herself go to because why keep up? If she is tired from going back to work and you are a drain along with not being very attractive, you're the one that needs to step it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

You sound horribly selfish and self-absorbed. Whatever mistake your mother may have made, she lives with it everyday. And to have you compound it with your selfish, all-about-me vitriol is sickening. Maybe she's better off without you and your sisters if your idea of love is beating up on your mother emotionally.

Ditto. OP - you seem very immature.

[Anonymous]

If OP is a man, he will not grow old alone.
However, OP I think you are acting a little spoiled. No one said that it was supposed to be fun the whole time. When you married, you should have been prepared to have to live under a bridge with your wife if it came to that.
Your kids might see the whole divorce as spooky if there is no clear reason. That could affect their sense of trust in upcoming relationships. It would be nice for them to see you all heal as a couple.
Do you work? Is your wife carrying the burden?
Look get a grip and take the high road. Complement her to her face and to others, and your kids. Let her know that you have her back and care. Make that a priority and think that way even if things don't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

Not the OP, but thank you for this perspective, which I needed to hear.
DH and I have been planning to split, amicably after 2 years of discussions but neither one of us relishes life alone. We may stay together and tough it out - even if just for convenience, intactness for the kids' sakes, and companionship, and then,...who knows? At the moment we are working on a legal "non-separation" agreement that defines acceptable anger management, gives each of us a measure of autonomy in the areas in which we clash (finances, and spending priorities, child discipline) and maybe permits sex outside the marriage (tough one to figure out).

You're kidding right? What do you do when the kids see that?
Don't fool yourself. There are some wacky books out there that encourage this craziness and it NEVER "works".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, on the kids resenting you, I think the chances are greater they're just going to largely neglect you, regardless of the quality of the relationship with your wife, as kids do generally. Hang in until kids are out then do what's best for you.

That is the language of divorce.
OP, family is never about what is best for you.
Send a message for generations, that family comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents took the step you want to and neither is happy now. Mom pulled the trigger instead of going for counseling . My sisters and I still can't figure out how you can be happy through close to 30 years of marriage (and they were-lots of physical affection) and not be able to find the energy to make it through a rough patch. The travel plans they made went in the toilet, mom is very poor and neither landed on their feet romantically. As adult children we are very resentful. We had a good family life growing up and now hate holiday meal negotiations over who is going to see who. Our family no longer exists and I have never forgiven my mom for leaving for no good reason. Don't do it. Your kids will hate you.

My parents did the same thing. Sudden split and we have a GIANT financial mess with father's second wife who is taking advantage of the entire estate.
Years ago I dated a man who left me because he thought that my family had messed up values.

[Anonymous]

There is a passage from a Thorton Wilder book that has helped me through rough patches in my marriage when I was weighing what separation would do to my kids. It goes something like this:

I did not marry you because you are perfect. I did not even marry you because I loved you. I married you for a promise. And that promise made up for your faults. And my promise made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't our house that protected them. And it wasn't our love. It was that promise.

I think divorce has long-range impact on kids no matter how old they are. I'm not saying that divorce is not sometimes the best decision, but I agree with Dr. Phil that you should have to work very, very hard (counseling, etc.) to let go of a marriage. As a parent, we leave a legacy that reaches through generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a passage from a Thorton Wilder book that has helped me through rough patches in my marriage when I was weighing what separation would do to my kids. It goes something like this:

I did not marry you because you are perfect. I did not even marry you because I loved you. I married you for a promise. And that promise made up for your faults. And my promise made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't our house that protected them. And it wasn't our love. It was that promise.

I think divorce has long-range impact on kids no matter how old they are. I'm not saying that divorce is not sometimes the best decision, but I agree with Dr. Phil that you should have to work very, very hard (counseling, etc.) to let go of a marriage. As a parent, we leave a legacy that reaches through generations.

OP, read these words. This is well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a passage from a Thorton Wilder book that has helped me through rough patches in my marriage when I was weighing what separation would do to my kids. It goes something like this:

I did not marry you because you are perfect. I did not even marry you because I loved you. I married you for a promise. And that promise made up for your faults. And my promise made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't our house that protected them. And it wasn't our love. It was that promise.

I think divorce has long-range impact on kids no matter how old they are. I'm not saying that divorce is not sometimes the best decision, but I agree with Dr. Phil that you should have to work very, very hard (counseling, etc.) to let go of a marriage. As a parent, we leave a legacy that reaches through generations.

OP, read these words. This is well said.

+1
OP: MAN UP and figure this out!

[Anonymous]

My dad has depression but it gets better sometimes. There was a time they thought and us adult kids thought they were better off divorced but they hung in there and are now glad they are together. In the thick of it sometimes all seems hopeless, but I'd hang in there at least until the kids leave.