Close to fifty and considering divorce

Anonymous
considered putting this under the relationship forum but thought this might make for a better conversation. So close to fifty, DH here as they say online, and considering filing for divorce. Things have been tough since the downturn in the economy and as a result have both of us questioning the other; Kids not out of the house but soon; cannot see empty nesting with DW. It seems the bond is gone; no intimacy, empathy, or affection. No conversation perse; alot of talk of day to day logistics. The fear is you pull the trigger and down the road you find yourself alone with adult kids that are pissed at you for leaving their mother. Can't live in fear though - any comments or thoughts from others ?
Anonymous
The kids are going to be fucked up, anyway, from living with parents in a loveless, sexless marriage. Get out now!
Anonymous
Bonds weaken and strengthen. Maybe you could try doing some new things together and see how it goes. It'll give you new things to talk about. See if she's on the same page.
Anonymous
It sounds like depression on both sides. Give therapy a try before throwing in the towel. A lifetime built together is at least worth a few conversations. A breakdown in communication happens in every marriage now and then, but something worth having is worth making one more effort to confront your issues. Remember that any new relationship will eventually face the same challenges from time to time. Economic downturns cycle every eight to 11 years. Marriages suffer communications breakdowns in different life changes, particularly midlife, and under economic pressure. I'd take a different position if abuse, addiction or infidelity were involved, but it sounds like you might have something there still worth saving.

However, if you're hell bent on ending it (as opposed to having a bad day and still wanting an argument to give it one more try), beware and plan ahead very carefully before taking any steps. Financial realities also come to the surface in considering a move as drastic as divorce. Remember: women fair far worse in the aftermath of divorce financially. You have to be sure that you can support yourself and all children still under your roof. You need to be able to provide for your retirement and their college educations. You need to be able to get a job with a salary ample enough to pay for their educations, provide for your daily expenses of food, mortage, transportation, utilities and an emergency fund. You need to evaluate your assets so that you can achieve an equitable division of the household. Remember that he could remarry so you need a good lawyer who will assure that the divorce settlement guarantees that you get a share of his retirement plan spanning the many years of your marriage. The divorce lawyer will need a solid investigator to discover any hidden assets that your husband may have set aside for himself in case of a divorce and bring those assets back into the marital estate before final distribution.

And that's just a brief sample. He may end up just fine, but without a solid plan you may just wind up broke.

Now, are you still considering going through with this, or are you thinking about working it out first -- or at least going back to work first before walking out?

Just a reality check for you...
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like depression on both sides. Give therapy a try before throwing in the towel. A lifetime built together is at least worth a few conversations. A breakdown in communication happens in every marriage now and then, but something worth having is worth making one more effort to confront your issues. Remember that any new relationship will eventually face the same challenges from time to time. Economic downturns cycle every eight to 11 years. Marriages suffer communications breakdowns in different life changes, particularly midlife, and under economic pressure. I'd take a different position if abuse, addiction or infidelity were involved, but it sounds like you might have something there still worth saving.

However, if you're hell bent on ending it (as opposed to having a bad day and still wanting an argument to give it one more try), beware and plan ahead very carefully before taking any steps. Financial realities also come to the surface in considering a move as drastic as divorce. Remember: women fair far worse in the aftermath of divorce financially. You have to be sure that you can support yourself and all children still under your roof. You need to be able to provide for your retirement and their college educations. You need to be able to get a job with a salary ample enough to pay for their educations, provide for your daily expenses of food, mortage, transportation, utilities and an emergency fund. You need to evaluate your assets so that you can achieve an equitable division of the household. Remember that he could remarry so you need a good lawyer who will assure that the divorce settlement guarantees that you get a share of his retirement plan spanning the many years of your marriage. The divorce lawyer will need a solid investigator to discover any hidden assets that your husband may have set aside for himself in case of a divorce and bring those assets back into the marital estate before final distribution.

And that's just a brief sample. He may end up just fine, but without a solid plan you may just wind up broke.

Now, are you still considering going through with this, or are you thinking about working it out first -- or at least going back to work first before walking out?

Just a reality check for you...

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am actually the husband. I kind of agree that a large portion of our shared problem is depression - tough times and not alot of fun. I take a low dosage for anti-anxiety and it seems to help. I have suggested that my wife consider the same and she demurs. Financially it is a stretch now and if we divorce we will have to sell the family home. That is probably the main reason I have not filed. My wife and I have discussed divorce. Granted my opinion but given her anger over business challenges, when we discuss it she tells me to sell the house (facetiously) as she knows I do not want to sell the family home while the kids are still home. I sometimes get the sense she knows she can be rough on me because I am somewhat stuck. She has been working incredibly hard to help keep us going. Previously she was a SAHM. Interestingly, now that she is back to work, we maintain separate finances. We are in tough spot; that does not matter. We should be taking the good with the bad and living our one live. By the time the good times come back there will not be anything of your relationship to salvage.
Anonymous
Sounds like financially anyway it'd be better to wait till the kids are out of the house. Then reasses.

Marriages have ups and downs. My parents didnt get along when I was in high school but seem to be glad to be married to each other now
Anonymous
"By the time the good times come back there will not be anything of your relationship to salvage."

You are resigned to a sexless marriage for years and years? Then, what?
Anonymous
OP - Have you discussed the fact that your kids are growing up in an unhealthy atmosphere with your wife when you discuss divorce? Do you guys care that your kids will probably repeat your mistakes? Have you and your wife been to counseling?
Anonymous
Get Counseling. A good counselor will help the both of you reach this decision. Help you rekindle and find common ground or help you find common ground and help you (both) through the process of divorce in a kinder gentler way. Either way, it is more work for both of you.
Anonymous
In a similar boat but probably for every different reasons.

If finance is the major reason for you, you might consider staying together as one household is more cost-effective than two households.
Anonymous
Are you prepared to grow old alone?
Anonymous
Counseling ad therapy are WAY cheaper than divorce. Get going on this.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Counseling ad therapy are WAY cheaper than divorce. Get going on this.


Boy isn't that the truth. I'm almost divorced. You sound like my ex who is incredibly sorry for leaving. After child support, house payment (yes, I got the house but only half of the mortgage), and expenses of a second household, there isn't any money for life. No dinners out, no vacations, no golf games. Etc. for me, I'm pretty much financially where I was in the marriage because of child support and having half of the mortgage paid and my kids didn't have to give up private school or any activities. Plus I was the one who had all of the retirement savings and I was able to keep it all so even after child support ends, there is no green pasture for my ex.l

Also, you might have to maintain separate households for a period of time before filing for divorce. In MD it's a year with absolutely no overnights and no sex.

Thing about you is you sound like my ex. Here's my perspective. I work full time and was always the primary caretaker. I didn't mind and I wasn't angry over it or nagging about it. My lack of time for my ex was due to kids' needs, one of whom is special needs and another who struggles in school, not because I was out having fun with friends or going to spas. What appeared as my lack of interest was in reality exhaustion from long days of taking care of the family and working in a busy and stressful job. By the time I had time to talk about anything besides who was dropping off which kids the next day or what was for dinner, my ex was firmly rooted in front of the tv and had no interest in conversation. The few counseling sessions we went to for purposes of forming agreements that are in the best interest of the kids show that counseling likely would have worked to resolve the underlying issues. But once someone leaves, there's a lot of damage to repair and trust isn't easy to give again.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Counseling ad therapy are WAY cheaper than divorce. Get going on this.

I received referral from my general practitioner for counseling. Offered to my wife - for us to go - she does not want to go - I attribute it to a stoic nature coupled with the fact that I think she has depression.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Are you prepared to grow old alone?

No, and that is a struggle. But I also struggle with the notion of the effort that it will take to rebuild and the shaken level of commitment, respect, and love that will exist between us. Middle age is a bit of a bitch; I will tell you that I would have a very hard time advising my children to get married. You should really wait until you are older; in hindsight I should have been more mature. I thought I was marrying well - not about money - but about character. It will sound sexist but I think there are or were alot of females that can get manipulative after marriage. I will say our first year together was brutal. What happened to for better or worse ?
post reply Forum Index » Eldercare
Message Quick Reply
Go to: