Close to fifty and considering divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you prepared to grow old alone?

No, and that is a struggle. But I also struggle with the notion of the effort that it will take to rebuild and the shaken level of commitment, respect, and love that will exist between us. Middle age is a bit of a bitch; I will tell you that I would have a very hard time advising my children to get married. You should really wait until you are older; in hindsight I should have been more mature. I thought I was marrying well - not about money - but about character. It will sound sexist but I think there are or were alot of females that can get manipulative after marriage. I will say our first year together was brutal. What happened to for better or worse ?

people who marry late are not necessarily wiser. I know because I married late but still am struggling in my marriage. Couples can just simply grow apart and one (or both) stops caring for the other.

[Anonymous]

OP, I say work at it, if your spouse is willing. Go to therapy. Read books about making marriages work. I recall reading a study where couples who faced very hard times in their relationship who worked at it and got over that rough patch...were even happier in their marriage then couples who didn't have such a rough patch. I think getting through it and making the relationship stronger makes the relationship more resilient because you learn that rough patches are not insurmountable.

That said, if your spouse does not want to try to heal the relationship there isn't much you can do. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Change what you tolerate from your wife. Be the person you want to be - whether you would be married or not (less any outside love interest) Give that time to sink in -it may take time for your relationship to adjust, but I think you owe it that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bonds weaken and strengthen. Maybe you could try doing some new things together and see how it goes. It'll give you new things to talk about. See if she's on the same page.

+1
When I was 50, I could have written this, OP.
We were approaching 30 years of marriage. I was so resentful of my husband not supporting me when raising the kids. My husband resented me not giving him more time (he traveled a great deal while the kids were growing up).
It was not a loveless marriage, but it was hectic.
We saw it through. We tried a marriage counselor, and that was a joke. We made a lot of changes. We launched our kids and learned to not be so involved in their lives. We sold the big 'ol house and downsized.
We talked a lot about how we saw this next phase of OUR lives. Downsizing tooK off some financial pressure.
Good Luck! I hope you approach this next phase of your life with optimism. It CAN work.

[Anonymous]

I divorced at 54. I'm in a better place, but it was a huge financial hit, so don't take that lightly. My advice is give this union all you have, and then give it some more. To spend the kind on money you are about to spend, you will want the satisfaction that you gave it your best effort. FWIW the divorce tore any social life I had to bits. It still was better than the marriage I had to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change what you tolerate from your wife. Be the person you want to be - whether you would be married or not (less any outside love interest) Give that time to sink in -it may take time for your relationship to adjust, but I think you owe it that.

OP here. Not sur I completely follow; Can you explain what you mean about change what you tolerate from your wife ? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced at 54. I'm in a better place, but it was a huge financial hit, so don't take that lightly. My advice is give this union all you have, and then give it some more. To spend the kind on money you are about to spend, you will want the satisfaction that you gave it your best effort. FWIW the divorce tore any social life I had to bits. It still was better than the marriage I had to look forward to.

OP here - are you a DH or DW ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bonds weaken and strengthen. Maybe you could try doing some new things together and see how it goes. It'll give you new things to talk about. See if she's on the same page.

+1
When I was 50, I could have written this, OP.
We were approaching 30 years of marriage. I was so resentful of my husband not supporting me when raising the kids. My husband resented me not giving him more time (he traveled a great deal while the kids were growing up).
It was not a loveless marriage, but it was hectic.
We saw it through. We tried a marriage counselor, and that was a joke. We made a lot of changes. We launched our kids and learned to not be so involved in their lives. We sold the big 'ol house and downsized.
We talked a lot about how we saw this next phase of OUR lives. Downsizing tooK off some financial pressure.
Good Luck! I hope you approach this next phase of your life with optimism. It CAN work.

OP Here. Thank you for posting and sharing. Positive vibes help. Trying to fight so that we do not get to that place where our mutual resentments are too great to overcome...

[Anonymous]

22:10 - DW

[Anonymous]

Well, on the kids resenting you, I think the chances are greater they're just going to largely neglect you, regardless of the quality of the relationship with your wife, as kids do generally. Hang in until kids are out then do what's best for you.

[Anonymous]

Hmm--what are you doing to make the marriage better? Remember it always takes two to make it great or bad. I am going to agree to rethink leaving..It is so expensive to divorce both financially and mentally. At 50 isn't it better to make it work? That is unless your spouse is cheating or just completely over you or downright abusive. Sounds like you guys are in a long rut. Hopefully it all works out.

[Anonymous]

Kids neglecting?? who..what? Seriously I never neglected my parents. Not all children grow up to be jerks.

[Anonymous]

OP-insist on counseling, a good couples counselor can help you. And if its a joke, as stated by the PP, get another counselor. You can also try peer coaching, marriage encounter. For most of us, the busyness of kids means the marriage slides but if its too far, then you're in trouble as you seem to be. Think in terms of saving the marriage or even reviving your marriage. Get a move on!

[Anonymous]

It makes me feel better to be able to look myself - and my children - in the eye and tell them I did EVERYTHING I possibly could to try to save my marriage.

Try. Go to counseling. Maybe you find out that she wants out as much as you do. Or maybe you find a way to reconnect.

I have dated plenty of divorced men over 50. If you are reasonably attractive and a nice person, have a job, you will be able to date.

[Anonymous]

I'm 51 and DH is 58; married 21 years. We were on the brink of separating several times and have now reconnected and are closer than ever.

We went through a lot of tough stuff...serious illnesses (both of us), infertility, adoption, job loss, moving from SF to Boston and then to DC. The most challenging thing has been parenting a mentally ill child. We did couples counseling to work on that problem (the source of most of our fights) but it ended up helping our relationship overall.

Have you told your wife you're thinking about divorce...would that encourage her to consider counseling? I understand how hopeless things can feel at times. I agree with those who say you should give it your best shot, but ultimately, you have to go with your gut. Good luck.