Grandparent dropping by unannounced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I appreciate the responses, and I'm trying to look at this from the other side.

There is a long and tortured history here, but the reality is that I don't trust my dad with my kids. I'm petrified of having my kids with him for any more than a lunch within walking distance of our house. My dad's driving is terrible, he falls asleep easily, and he is always on the phone. For example, he'll offer to take my kids to the park, but he'll spend the entire time on the phone not paying attention to them. He likes the idea of grandkids, but not really being with him.

While I simply could find some workarounds and ways for him to be with his kids, the problem is that he doesn't get boundaries. I've tried to talk with him about setting up times when the kids will be home, and he said that he "does not want to make an appointment." He wants to do things on his terms. (E.g., he wants to take kids horsebackriding; I've told him 100s of times that my DD is allergic). I begged him to teach my DD to ride a bike, but he isn't interested in that.

All that being said, I really will try to be more compassionate, but I would love any words of wisdom for how to get him to respect boundaries. I think it's fair to have time without him on my vacation.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this--I would be tearing my hair out. But, that said, you can't make him respect boundaries. You can't change him. He'll continue to keep doing what he's doing. The only thing you can do is change how YOU respond, whether that's with a deadbolt, not being there when he usually comes over (can you go to a coffee place and work? to a park and take conference calls?), etc. Yes, it sucks that you have to be the one to manage these workarounds, but that's how it is for people in relationships with narcissists.

[Anonymous]

So you expect him to repair the house for you but not use it or drop by??

You sound really self centered.

Not letting the kids be with him alone is another issue. Go with your comfort level.

Bt you can't use him as a handy man and then shut him out. Especially since it sounds like this used to be his house? Did he transfer it to you guys to avoid estate taxes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a lot of elderly people are unsure of what to do with their retirements. Their jobs are over, and now what? I saw this in my own family. Older relatives expect a sort of ROI from the younger people. Yes, they want more time with grandkids, yes they want their children to look after them and do things for them. I understand all of that and that grandkids are a joy to them, but it's not the younger generations' duty to give the older ones purpose. That said, either they are adults or they are not adults. When I became an adult my parents expected me to manage my own time, find work while I was home from college, find hobbies, use my time wisely and not follow them around waiting for them to entertain me all the time. Why can't elderly family members do the same (especially if they are healthy and of sound mind)?

Sounds like your parents were not giving you attention you wanted and you feel it's ok to punish them. Maybe it is, but many people had better parents and better relationships.

How is encouraging someone to take on new hobbies punishment? I don't understand. Please clarify. I saw it as their duty as good parents to push me to use my time well, but that should go both ways. I have a lot of respect for older people who are living life to the fullest whether they are 65 or 95. Do you want your parents sitting home every day, bored to tears, need more and more meds for cholesterol problems and anxiety because they refuse to work out and participate in the world, waiting for your to ring their doorbell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a lot of elderly people are unsure of what to do with their retirements. Their jobs are over, and now what? I saw this in my own family. Older relatives expect a sort of ROI from the younger people. Yes, they want more time with grandkids, yes they want their children to look after them and do things for them. I understand all of that and that grandkids are a joy to them, but it's not the younger generations' duty to give the older ones purpose. That said, either they are adults or they are not adults. When I became an adult my parents expected me to manage my own time, find work while I was home from college, find hobbies, use my time wisely and not follow them around waiting for them to entertain me all the time. Why can't elderly family members do the same (especially if they are healthy and of sound mind)?

Sounds like your parents were not giving you attention you wanted and you feel it's ok to punish them. Maybe it is, but many people had better parents and better relationships.

How is encouraging someone to take on new hobbies punishment? I don't understand. Please clarify. I saw it as their duty as good parents to push me to use my time well, but that should go both ways. I have a lot of respect for older people who are living life to the fullest whether they are 65 or 95. Do you want your parents sitting home every day, bored to tears, need more and more meds for cholesterol problems and anxiety because they refuse to work out and participate in the world, waiting for your to ring their doorbell?

As far as I am concerned, living life to the fullest also means remaining close to ones family. My dad worked till he died, my mother started a new language a few months before her death. They had plenty of interests and full lives. Yet, when they wanted to talk to me, I was not buying bolts or complaining about having more important things to do. I was there for them, for as long as they needed. That was the least I could do. I find Ops behavior and complaints disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a very complicated marriage/divorce/remarriage family dynamic with my parents/in-laws. To make the explanation as simple as possible, my father has a key to the family vacation home as he will help out if there are things that need to be fixed (but it isn't his home anymore), and recently decided that he wanted to retire nearby the family vacation home. We have been on vacation for three days, and EVERY SINGLE DAY, he randomly stops by the house and lets himself in "because he happened to be in town" (he lives about 20 miles away). Our kids take a two-hour camp each day, and he knows this, and he comes by when they aren't here, so he really can't say that he's stopping by to see the kids.

Every single time, I have explained to him that I need those two hours to work, and that we value our privacy, and, more importantly, that he cannot stop by unannouced. He doesn't care!!!! He told me that he is the father and he will stop by whenever he wants. I can't change the lock, because there are literally about 20 people who use this house and it will throw everything into turmoil, and b/c he needs a key anyway for the times when he is helping out.

How do I set boundaries with someone who won't respect boundaries?

In a way it sounds like the house is a manipulative tool used to remind everyone he is the patriarch of the family and will oversee the house and his brood as he sees fit. Based on what you're saying, he's not dropping by to see the grandchildren or to visit you during your down time for a cup of coffee (and before anyone jumps on my case about the OP needing to be grateful for her father's presence and honoring his need to see his daughter in his golden years, let's remind ourselves of how many women send kids to daycare or have the nanny take them away for the afternoon so we can better focus on our work. Remember, her kids are in camp which for most parents is a good way to get a breather. If we can divert focus from our children for our jobs surely we can divert focus from an elderly parent who can't respect boundaries).

OP, honestly, and I'd do the same in your shoes: get your own vacation home or, if you can't afford one or just don't want to go that route, get a timeshare and invite relatives if/when you can. He still feels like he owns this place and the fact that he says he's the father and can do what he wants emphasizes that. This sounds like one big PITA.

[Anonymous]

He is lonely, OP, and one day you will be older and lonely. I hope you are able to find someone with a kind heart even though you are a meam, cold, selfish bitch now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is lonely, OP, and one day you will be older and lonely. I hope you are able to find someone with a kind heart even though you are a meam, cold, selfish bitch now.

So if her kids want her attention but she sends them off to camp or daycare so she can focus on her job and have a little me-time that wouldn't make her a cold, selfish bitch? That would just make her a modern woman who has every right to hold tight to her sense of self and career aspirations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lonely, OP, and one day you will be older and lonely. I hope you are able to find someone with a kind heart even though you are a meam, cold, selfish bitch now.

So if her kids want her attention but she sends them off to camp or daycare so she can focus on her job and have a little me-time that wouldn't make her a cold, selfish bitch? That would just make her a modern woman who has every right to hold tight to her sense of self and career aspirations?

Is OP's dad sleeping in her home? Is he with her all day during weekends? What are you saying - one has to be SAHM who spend with her children every moment they want to spend with her in order to be allowed to spend any time with her parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the need to have time with your parents while you can, but that doesn't mean being at his beck and call. And yes, he is lonely and she should help, but wanting to be able to do the things she needs to do and to have him understand some basic health and safety rules does not make her controlling.

Having said all that, I think OP and her family need to find a different place to vacation. Or work/vacation (really? None of you have ever had to put in a few hours every day while on vacation?).

I have, but not at scheduled times for exactly 2 hours every day.

You apparently did not read the followup. The children go to camp in the afternoons, during which time, while they are gone, she tries to get 2 hours of work done. She's trying to make use of the time when the kids aren't there. She may have even specifically put them in camp during that week for the afternoons just to get the time to work. He drops in then and wants her attention to chat and spend time. It would be nice if he could stop by outside of that time so that she can socialize with him while the children are there and she is already doing "family time" but he purposely stops in when the kids are gone. She's asked him to stop by before or after, but he doesn't want to be scheduled so he comes when he wants, which is inevitably the one time when she doesn't have the kids to tend to. So, when else do you propose that she gets work done? She may have even put the kids in the camp so that she would have those 2-3 hours to get work done. Why can't grandpa come over any other time and spend time with the whole family instead of just trying to drop in on that exact time when he *KNOWS* kids are gone and she has her small window of opportunity to get work done. Why is he avoiding his grandkids that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lonely, OP, and one day you will be older and lonely. I hope you are able to find someone with a kind heart even though you are a meam, cold, selfish bitch now.

So if her kids want her attention but she sends them off to camp or daycare so she can focus on her job and have a little me-time that wouldn't make her a cold, selfish bitch? That would just make her a modern woman who has every right to hold tight to her sense of self and career aspirations?

Is OP's dad sleeping in her home? Is he with her all day during weekends? What are you saying - one has to be SAHM who spend with her children every moment they want to spend with her in order to be allowed to spend any time with her parents?

OP's father is acting like a child showing up whenever his heart desires and pulling rank (I'm the father!) when she says no. She's open to spending time with her parents-- when she's not working. Just like many of us who spend time with our kids-- when we're not working. A child of 4 may not understand that, but a grown adult of 64 or 74 should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is lonely, OP, and one day you will be older and lonely. I hope you are able to find someone with a kind heart even though you are a meam, cold, selfish bitch now.

So if her kids want her attention but she sends them off to camp or daycare so she can focus on her job and have a little me-time that wouldn't make her a cold, selfish bitch? That would just make her a modern woman who has every right to hold tight to her sense of self and career aspirations?

Is OP's dad sleeping in her home? Is he with her all day during weekends? What are you saying - one has to be SAHM who spend with her children every moment they want to spend with her in order to be allowed to spend any time with her parents?

OP's father is acting like a child showing up whenever his heart desires and pulling rank (I'm the father!) when she says no. She's open to spending time with her parents-- when she's not working. Just like many of us who spend time with our kids-- when we're not working. A child of 4 may not understand that, but a grown adult of 64 or 74 should.

This only happens a week or two a year. How many of those visits total are we talking about? There is no analogy with children here, because OP, even if working mother, spends thousands hours with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. Yes, he's lonely. Why don't you take the "offensive" and invite him over in the morning. Get the visit done. Do something with him and the kids--breakfast, go for a walk, go to playground. Then by 10:30am, let him know you need to get some work done.

I was thinking something similar. You have to eat, so ask him to come over for a meal each day (either tell him which one, or let him choose). But I do agree with the PPs -- you are sounding really cold and controlling on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you expect him to repair the house for you but not use it or drop by??

You sound really self centered.

Not letting the kids be with him alone is another issue. Go with your comfort level.

Bt you can't use him as a handy man and then shut him out. Especially since it sounds like this used to be his house? Did he transfer it to you guys to avoid estate taxes?

House repairs shouldnt be made when someone is vacationing in said house. And, if it need be, it does not need to be every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you expect him to repair the house for you but not use it or drop by??

You sound really self centered.

Not letting the kids be with him alone is another issue. Go with your comfort level.

Bt you can't use him as a handy man and then shut him out. Especially since it sounds like this used to be his house? Did he transfer it to you guys to avoid estate taxes?

House repairs shouldnt be made when someone is vacationing in said house. And, if it need be, it does not need to be every day.

Totally agree as this is just another handyman/ servnant we are talking about.

[Anonymous]

While you're in the "family vacation home" you can't, especially if he maintains it. Are you actually his daughter, or is this a stepfather or father-in-law that you don't want to spend time with?