Grandparent dropping by unannounced

[Anonymous]

We have a very complicated marriage/divorce/remarriage family dynamic with my parents/in-laws. To make the explanation as simple as possible, my father has a key to the family vacation home as he will help out if there are things that need to be fixed (but it isn't his home anymore), and recently decided that he wanted to retire nearby the family vacation home. We have been on vacation for three days, and EVERY SINGLE DAY, he randomly stops by the house and lets himself in "because he happened to be in town" (he lives about 20 miles away). Our kids take a two-hour camp each day, and he knows this, and he comes by when they aren't here, so he really can't say that he's stopping by to see the kids.

Every single time, I have explained to him that I need those two hours to work, and that we value our privacy, and, more importantly, that he cannot stop by unannouced. He doesn't care!!!! He told me that he is the father and he will stop by whenever he wants. I can't change the lock, because there are literally about 20 people who use this house and it will throw everything into turmoil, and b/c he needs a key anyway for the times when he is helping out.

How do I set boundaries with someone who won't respect boundaries?

[Anonymous]

What is he coming by for? just to chill out?? It's strange that he comes whent he kids aren't here.

Can you just stay in your room to do work?

[Anonymous]

Deadbolt. Lock it when your at the vacation house and leave it unlocked when you're not there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Exactly. He comes in, grabs a soda, and sits down to chat. Or he'll come by to "fix" something. I think he's lonely. I sit in my office (dining room) and tell him that I need to work and that he needs to leave. It is really distracting to have him sitting there drinking a sofa while I'm on a conference call. Or what about if I actually want two hours by myself with my DH, which we never ever get.

We are spending time with him. We spent the entire Saturday with him. Entire day, and we made plans to see him next weekened. I just need my weekdays to myself, and I don't want to worry about him stopping by unannounced. Heck, I'm still in pajamas when he gets here.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Sorry, but I have to vent. After he left, he called me 15 minutes later and asked to take the kids for the day tomorrow. I told him we already had our week planned out and that was why we made plans with him for Saturday and that I really, truly needed to get back to work. Then 15 minutes later, he texted me telling me that he really needs to talk to me. Honestly, WTF?!? I'm losing it.

[Anonymous]

Let him take the kids. You'll have all the free time to yourself you've been craving. Its just 1 week, right? Spend time with your dad. What is so horrible aboout that?

[Anonymous]

It does sound like he's lonely. Had you talked to him ahead of time telling him you'd still be working while you were there and working out how often you'd see him? And throwing in that dropping by won't work so well because of the work factor?

You say there's a long history...I imagine you need to figure out what best you can tolerate based on that history and go from there. Setting up a deadbolt or chain lock so you can then go to the door and say it's not a good time might be helpful too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Deadbolt. Lock it when your at the vacation house and leave it unlocked when you're not there.

Or a chain. Latch the chain when you need the peace and privacy, unlatch when it's safe for him to stop by. When you make plans to visit the summer home, make sure to talk with him beforehand which days are open to visit with him or for the kids to see him and latch the chain the other times.

[Anonymous]

Lucky!!

[Anonymous]

OP. I will try not to make this sound bitchy. I get it's an annoyance to you to have your dad come over all the time. My dad used to do the same thing. It annoyed me when it wasn't on my schedule sometimes, I do have to admit. He had a key and dropped by whenever. He is the only parent I had nearby. He helped out a lot (with the house, with the kids etc...). He dropped dead alone in his apartment one day last year. Now I really miss the unannounced visits or stopping by on his way out to someplace else.

[Anonymous]

He sounds really lonely OP. try to remember that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, without more context into what the issues are with your dad, you sound like a bitch. He's obviously lonely. Why can't you tell him to come by at a certain time every day? And why can't he take the kids for aday? So they miss one day of camp. They'll have great memories with their grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more context into what the issues are with your dad, you sound like a bitch. He's obviously lonely. Why can't you tell him to come by at a certain time every day? And why can't he take the kids for aday? So they miss one day of camp. They'll have great memories with their grandfather.

+1

[Anonymous]

My father died very young. He missed out on every grandchild.

Instead of looking for ways to get rid of yours you should be looking for ways to make time with him.

I have an ungrateful son that sounds like you. I have cut HIM off.

[Anonymous]

Wow I was thinking that also. My mom is dying and she was so annoying and now I wish I had her annoying self as her brain already left the planet. I really have trouble listening to the people who are like " I want privacy" I have all these rules etc. This is the problem with our country..we have all become soooo self entitled and bitchy and there really is no respect or kindness for our elders. If you know he is lonely..help him..give him something to do and for goodness sake allow him time with his grandchildren. He is right..he is the father..the first father and you OP sound awful..you do and you should own that.