Grandparent dropping by unannounced

[Anonymous]

I'm confused why you titled this thread "grandparent dropping by..."

It sounds like *your father* is dropping by to see you.

[Anonymous]

It is very difficult to lose a parent, especially suddenly. I cannot imagine how sad.

However, that does not mean that OP is ungrateful or mean for wanting her space and time. She has planned her vacation week, has planned for several visits with her dad, and has planned some work time and husband/wife alone time.

I don't care WHO you are, you don't just get to waltz into someone else's house and plop yourself down. Even though it is a shared space, as far as I'm concerned, whoever has it for the week it the "owner" during that week. Their rules, their schedule.

I'm sure he is lonely. But it IS frustrating and it is NOT ok.

OP, sorry I don't have too many suggestions. The deadbolt is a good idea, or a chain lock.

Or, depending on your sense of humor and decorum, just arrange to be going at it full tilt with DH on the couch when dear old dad walks in...

[Anonymous]

OP Here. I appreciate the responses, and I'm trying to look at this from the other side.

There is a long and tortured history here, but the reality is that I don't trust my dad with my kids. I'm petrified of having my kids with him for any more than a lunch within walking distance of our house. My dad's driving is terrible, he falls asleep easily, and he is always on the phone. For example, he'll offer to take my kids to the park, but he'll spend the entire time on the phone not paying attention to them. He likes the idea of grandkids, but not really being with him.

While I simply could find some workarounds and ways for him to be with his kids, the problem is that he doesn't get boundaries. I've tried to talk with him about setting up times when the kids will be home, and he said that he "does not want to make an appointment." He wants to do things on his terms. (E.g., he wants to take kids horsebackriding; I've told him 100s of times that my DD is allergic). I begged him to teach my DD to ride a bike, but he isn't interested in that.

All that being said, I really will try to be more compassionate, but I would love any words of wisdom for how to get him to respect boundaries. I think it's fair to have time without him on my vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, without more context into what the issues are with your dad, you sound like a bitch. He's obviously lonely. Why can't you tell him to come by at a certain time every day? And why can't he take the kids for aday? So they miss one day of camp. They'll have great memories with their grandfather.

+1

+2

You sound like a control freak, everything needs to happen according to some master schedule you made for everyone. And what is it that you do that is so important but you do it only 2 hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I appreciate the responses, and I'm trying to look at this from the other side.

There is a long and tortured history here, but the reality is that I don't trust my dad with my kids. I'm petrified of having my kids with him for any more than a lunch within walking distance of our house. My dad's driving is terrible, he falls asleep easily, and he is always on the phone. For example, he'll offer to take my kids to the park, but he'll spend the entire time on the phone not paying attention to them. He likes the idea of grandkids, but not really being with him.

While I simply could find some workarounds and ways for him to be with his kids, the problem is that he doesn't get boundaries. I've tried to talk with him about setting up times when the kids will be home, and he said that he "does not want to make an appointment." He wants to do things on his terms. (E.g., he wants to take kids horsebackriding; I've told him 100s of times that my DD is allergic). I begged him to teach my DD to ride a bike, but he isn't interested in that.

All that being said, I really will try to be more compassionate, but I would love any words of wisdom for how to get him to respect boundaries. I think it's fair to have time without him on my vacation.

It looks like he is not too eager to follow through tasks you set for him (or otherwise complete them to your satisfaction). If only everyone could just listen and do it your way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I appreciate the responses, and I'm trying to look at this from the other side.

There is a long and tortured history here, but the reality is that I don't trust my dad with my kids. I'm petrified of having my kids with him for any more than a lunch within walking distance of our house. My dad's driving is terrible, he falls asleep easily, and he is always on the phone. For example, he'll offer to take my kids to the park, but he'll spend the entire time on the phone not paying attention to them. He likes the idea of grandkids, but not really being with him.

While I simply could find some workarounds and ways for him to be with his kids, the problem is that he doesn't get boundaries. I've tried to talk with him about setting up times when the kids will be home, and he said that he "does not want to make an appointment." He wants to do things on his terms. (E.g., he wants to take kids horsebackriding; I've told him 100s of times that my DD is allergic). I begged him to teach my DD to ride a bike, but he isn't interested in that.

All that being said, I really will try to be more compassionate, but I would love any words of wisdom for how to get him to respect boundaries. I think it's fair to have time without him on my vacation.

Does he know you don't trust him with the kids? Or is it obvious even if unspoken?

I wonder if you approached it as getting what he wants: "Look, Dad, I know you don't want to make an appointment, but the thing is, if you wait until the last minute to arrange something with us, nine times out of ten the answer is going to be no. We tend to arrange things in advance--or we have to, because there's so much going on. I hate to disappoint you, and I want you to be involved in our lives. Is there any way you can ask a bit earlier than the day before? I'd be much more likely to say yes."

It also sounds like you need to accept that your dad isn't going to be the father and grandparent you wish he could be. You hate that he asks for the same thing over and over once you've said no--you should stop doing the same with him (over, for instance, the bike). Realize he's not going to have the role you want, and that if he won't change you will end up saying no a lot. That's just the breaks.

[Anonymous]

Just spend some time with him. He's lonely. It's one week out of your life.

One day you'll be old. Maybe your kids will treat you better than you are treating him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I appreciate the responses, and I'm trying to look at this from the other side.

There is a long and tortured history here, but the reality is that I don't trust my dad with my kids. I'm petrified of having my kids with him for any more than a lunch within walking distance of our house. My dad's driving is terrible, he falls asleep easily, and he is always on the phone. For example, he'll offer to take my kids to the park, but he'll spend the entire time on the phone not paying attention to them. He likes the idea of grandkids, but not really being with him.

While I simply could find some workarounds and ways for him to be with his kids, the problem is that he doesn't get boundaries. I've tried to talk with him about setting up times when the kids will be home, and he said that he "does not want to make an appointment." He wants to do things on his terms. (E.g., he wants to take kids horsebackriding; I've told him 100s of times that my DD is allergic). I begged him to teach my DD to ride a bike, but he isn't interested in that.

All that being said, I really will try to be more compassionate, but I would love any words of wisdom for how to get him to respect boundaries. I think it's fair to have time without him on my vacation.

Then go on vacation somewhere else. Otherwise, he's part of the deal.

If you don't trust him alone with the kids, then go with them on the outing. But let him feel like he's in planning it. It sounds like you are a control freak. If you don't want him around on vacation, don't stay in a house he helps maintain.

[Anonymous]

You could get one of those locks that only hings from the inside and literally lock yourself inside for the 2 hours you need to get done. But unless you are on awful terms with your dad - I would give him a headsup: "Dad, I love seeing you but we need to schedule your visits so I can balance work and family. I truly do need to work everyday from 10am - noon and I can't have you stopping by during those hours. I am installing an in-door lock that will be latched during my work hours. If you stop by during that time, I won't be able to answer the door because I will be on a conference call or otherwise working. Please do not ring the door bell because that will wake the kids. Would you like to join us for dinner on Wednesday?"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you really want to spend quite a bit of time working during your holiday, which is why you can't take 15 minutes to have a chat with him when he stops by. Seeing this is a work holiday for you, it would seem having him take the kids so you can work would be a great idea. he wants to see family, you want to work - win, win.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you explain the house/vacation house aspect a little bit?
You say 20 people have keys to the house. You say that you are on 'vacation' yet working? Whose house is it? If he's doing all the repairs and stops by a lot-- is it his house?

I'm just a little confused, not trying to be snarky/trip you up.

[Anonymous]

Locking him out is incredibly heartless - cant believe people are suggesting that. How messed up are your families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Locking him out is incredibly heartless - cant believe people are suggesting that. How messed up are your families?

+1
Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. Yes, he's lonely. Why don't you take the "offensive" and invite him over in the morning. Get the visit done. Do something with him and the kids--breakfast, go for a walk, go to playground. Then by 10:30am, let him know you need to get some work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Locking him out is incredibly heartless - cant believe people are suggesting that. How messed up are your families?

+1
Disgusting.

Nah. I suggested the deadbolt because it sounded is though the guy was being very pushy and not respecting the OP's privacy at all. But it sounds as though there might be some depression, maybe even senility going on with dad as well. I think the OP really needs to spend some quality time with dad to figure out what exactly is going on with him.

I might install the deadbolt and only use it if I really needed some privacy at the moment and did not want someone barging in on me unannounced. I don't think that would be unreasonable at all.