What would you make of this interchange between your SIL and husband? (Not sexual)

[Anonymous]

As in every marriage, in yours the husband should be allowed to talk only to his wife. Unless it's about golf or something. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As in every marriage, in yours the husband should be allowed to talk only to his wife. Unless it's about golf or something. Sheesh.

Right. Because obviously the only options are 1) DH forbidden from talking about anything but golf 2) DH regularly talks to another woman about issues in his marriage behind DW's back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good relationship with my BIL. Always have. He's a fun guy to be around and I've even gone on day trips with him, his kids, my kids WITHOUT our spouses. Just BIL, me and the kids. I don't talk to him about his wife and their marital issues behind his wife's back. I just don't. And I don't talk about my husband with BIL behind dh's back.

I don't think it's normal for people to involve themselves in other peoples' marriages like that.

+1 When BIL, comes over, he has fun with the whole family. We all socialize: BIL, myself, DH and the kids. BIL and I talk about the family, the kids, and have a lot of fun in general, but when it comes to marital stuff, I go directly to my DH because anyone else is an outsider to our relationship. That's why the DH and DW are the only ones at the altar or under the chuppah. It's between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Wow....I find it very hard to believe that most of you do not have friends or family that you talk to or vent about marital issues. What you all are saying is that your SO is the ONLY person you talk to. No girlfriends? No sisters? And that your SO's do the same. Consider me shocked.

But then again, maybe you just come on DCUM to vent.

[Anonymous]

I find it completely unthinkable that I would be privately emailing and calling my brother's brother to discuss his marriage and pass judgment (good or bad) on his wife. Yuck. It really has the hallmarks of an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow....I find it very hard to believe that most of you do not have friends or family that you talk to or vent about marital issues. What you all are saying is that your SO is the ONLY person you talk to. No girlfriends? No sisters? And that your SO's do the same. Consider me shocked.

But then again, maybe you just come on DCUM to vent.

it would be different if OP's husband talked to his brother or sister. SIL is very rarely in that category... Maybe in some special cases, but in this case, given her history with OP, their rocky marrige, husbands admiraion for SIL, emailing behind his wife back goes will beyond just talking over some marital stuff once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So H and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 7 (!) years. I know he has confided in his brother and SIL about our troubles but honestly, they are constantly talking without me. It makes me feel very left out. Which is one of the issues I have.

Anyway, SIL sent H an email on Tuesday, after a family weekend (his side) at their home this past weekend

SIL:
Hey:
I know that sometimes we tend to overlook all the good things and all the things that are right and well....but your wife really did a lot for the family, was very flexible, and most importantly...really stood up for your parents! I really wanted you to know that she is really doing a lot of things and obviously for you!!! You guys do make a cute couple!!! It really has been fun hanging out with you all this weekend.

H: Thanks for sending this. She has definitely gotten more flexible, which is good. I’m curious about the “stood up for my parents” – what do you mean?

SIL : Call me at home when you are free..

What do you guys think? I think (hope) she's trying to stand up for me but it just feels so intrusive. I don't know.

Did no one else notice the tense in her initial email? It's all in the past. OP, why is she talking about you like you are no longer part of the family? It would certainly make me paranoid that he was about to leave. Sorry. Given what you've said about reading his email because of trust issues, I'd also see the "call me at home" part as a massive red flag. He knows you read his email, she does too, she has something to say that she doesn't want you to know.

Have you had marital therapy? It might be a good idea.

+1. She is using the past tense, and she is a little too involved. He should be talking to you or to his brother. The SIL is not as close a relationship to confide about intimate marital dynamics. Talk to him.

Really? Maybe he tried to talk to his brother and his brother said "get a woman's perspective - Talk to Diane" The SIL is not a close relationship? Doesn't that depend on the dynamics of a particular family? I posted earlier that I do not see the problem and I still don't. In thinking about it, I still do not see what the OP's problem is. He is seeking advice/counsel from another family member! My God, people do it ALL THE TIME!

You missed my point. OP should talk to her husband. No, SIL is not a 'close' relationship like I have with my highschool friends, who have known me for a lifetime. You marry your spouse, not his family. If I need advice, I have close friends and my parents. As you will observe over your lifetime, SILs come and go with remarkable frequency now due to divorce. Rarely do you see them again after they've been replaced. So now, it's not like the relationship I have with my bridesmaids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow....I find it very hard to believe that most of you do not have friends or family that you talk to or vent about marital issues. What you all are saying is that your SO is the ONLY person you talk to. No girlfriends? No sisters? And that your SO's do the same. Consider me shocked.

But then again, maybe you just come on DCUM to vent.

i really don't biotch about my dh to anyone. He's just that perfect, lol. But seriously, when I have a problem with dh, I talk to dh - not to my friend, my mom, my sister, my neighbor, my coworker, my bil - but directly to dh.

When I was younger I used to talk about some of my boyfriends behind their backs to my bffs, sisters, coworkers and I learned after a while not to do that anymore, lol.

[Anonymous]

To elaborate a little - I learned that you can not form a strong and lasting union with the person that you love if you can not trust them.

The minute a spouse starts to share intimate details about their marriage with outside parties, the trust in the marriage starts to deteriorate. When trust deteriorates, that's when the secrets start...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To elaborate a little - I learned that you can not form a strong and lasting union with the person that you love if you can not trust them.

The minute a spouse starts to share intimate details about their marriage with outside parties, the trust in the marriage starts to deteriorate. When trust deteriorates, that's when the secrets start...

... which is why OP needs to TALK to DH and get on with their lives. Even if the relationship's been rocky, it's obvious that he's emailing about her rather than talking to OP and OP is now reading DH's emails. Talk to each other, OP, possibly with a therapist. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To elaborate a little - I learned that you can not form a strong and lasting union with the person that you love if you can not trust them.

The minute a spouse starts to share intimate details about their marriage with outside parties, the trust in the marriage starts to deteriorate. When trust deteriorates, that's when the secrets start...

... which is why OP needs to TALK to DH and get on with their lives. Even if the relationship's been rocky, it's obvious that he's emailing about her rather than talking to OP and OP is now reading DH's emails. Talk to each other, OP, possibly with a therapist. Now.

+1 Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Your DH probably confided to his brother and SIL...and SIL is trying to help out your DH to understand the female point of view (yours)...because...
1) She is a female.
2) She is like a sister to your DH.
3) DH's brother finds himself at a loss as to how to help his brother navigate the minefield that is your marriage.
4) She wants your DH (and you) to have a successful marriage.
5) She wants your DH to have a strong marriage so that his problems lands on the lap of his wife and not his brothers.

Dear OP,

Have an open mind and a grateful heart. It is a marriage not a battlefield. If you cannot be respectful (reading his emails...really?) then get out of this marriage, because you are wasting your time as well as your husbands.

And if you want the marriage to work ( because of kids, finance whatever) go to therapy.

Asking the question you asked in this forum does not help you because no one knows the your, your SIL's or your DH's intention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH probably confided to his brother and SIL...and SIL is trying to help out your DH to understand the female point of view (yours)...because...
1) She is a female.
2) She is like a sister to your DH.
3) DH's brother finds himself at a loss as to how to help his brother navigate the minefield that is your marriage.
4) She wants your DH (and you) to have a successful marriage.
5) She wants your DH to have a strong marriage so that his problems lands on the lap of his wife and not his brothers.

Dear OP,

Have an open mind and a grateful heart. It is a marriage not a battlefield. If you cannot be respectful (reading his emails...really?) then get out of this marriage, because you are wasting your time as well as your husbands.

And if you want the marriage to work ( because of kids, finance whatever) go to therapy.

Asking the question you asked in this forum does not help you because no one knows the your, your SIL's or your DH's intention.

Except for you, since you know that SIL is "like a sister to OPs DH".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH probably confided to his brother and SIL...and SIL is trying to help out your DH to understand the female point of view (yours)...because...
1) She is a female.
2) She is like a sister to your DH.
3) DH's brother finds himself at a loss as to how to help his brother navigate the minefield that is your marriage.
4) She wants your DH (and you) to have a successful marriage.
5) She wants your DH to have a strong marriage so that his problems lands on the lap of his wife and not his brothers.

Dear OP,

Have an open mind and a grateful heart. It is a marriage not a battlefield. If you cannot be respectful (reading his emails...really?) then get out of this marriage, because you are wasting your time as well as your husbands.

And if you want the marriage to work ( because of kids, finance whatever) go to therapy.

Asking the question you asked in this forum does not help you because no one knows the your, your SIL's or your DH's intention.

It doesn't matter how close dh is to these people or whether or not the SIL is pure of heart/walks on water blah, blah, blah - irrelevant. The only people who should be navigating this marriage are the OP and her husband. If they need therapy they should get therapy. But if this marriage is to stand a prayer of lasting - the in-laws (no matter how well meaning) need to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Pretty shocked at all of the people saying that the SIL and DH have an inappropriate relationship. I've developed a strong relationship with my DH's whole family, including his brother. I consider him just like I do my biological brothers...a BROTHER. We text, hang out from time to time, and he talks to me about relationship stuff to get a woman's perspective since he and my husband don't have a sister. I would be shocked if his girlfriend not only read an email from me to him, but then considered our relationship inappropriate.