What would you make of this interchange between your SIL and husband? (Not sexual)

[Anonymous]

This would bother me on many levels - why has this "perfect" SIL become your judge and jury? If your marriage is going to survive, it needs to be between you and your DH. Of course he is entitled to his own friends and confidants, but this goes much further than that. However, I think it might be counterproductive to focus on the SIL. Don't focus on the negatives - try to create more intimacies and trust in your marriage. Unless the SIL is actively undermining you or trying to get your DH she is just a symptom of whatever is going on in your marriage.

That said she sounds like a complete snake. I would try to avoid her (but not create drama about it).

[Anonymous]

It's also possible that the SIL is info gathering for the MIL/FIL - maybe they are worried about their son and have asked SIL to find out how things are going.

[Anonymous]

So the perfect wife is submissive? What culture are we talking, OP?

[Anonymous]

So how is the non-submissive thing working out for you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a daughter-in-law, and subsequently sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, etc., to a whole passel of folks, I wouldn't read any subtext into this. Some guys just tend to delegate a lot of extended family stuff to their wives, and then you can't be surprised when those wives kind of get entrenched. Personally, I moved across the country well over a decade ago when I got married and, in a way, my BILs are more brothers to me than my flesh and blood brother is.

Should your husband be more communicative to you? Certainly! And it is a goal he should show progress toward. But in the meantime, at least he's communicating with someone and not just stewing in his own baggage.

I would wait and see what kind of fruit this bears, rather than rushing in with assumptions and possibly breaking trust. Reassess based on whether his behavior to you improves or not.

I agree. I don't think the relationship is inappropriate in any way. You can't control who your DH chooses to confide in, nor should you attempt to do so. Your SIL seems to be a friend to your marriage and has spoken up on your behalf.

This. I am surprised that so many people see so much negativity in this. My older sisters have been married to their DH's since I was a teen. Over the past 20 years, my BIL's have become MY brothers. And yes, they have counseled me and giving me the "man's perspective" of issues within my own marriage.

Do women on here really think you can regulate who your DH talks to - especially within the family? Honestly, I would rather my DH confide in his brother's wife (who was positive) than a co-worker who I don't know. But to not expect him to confide in someone and to make his DW the be-all in communication is an unrealistc expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Honestly, I would rather my DH confide in his brother's wife (who was positive) than a co-worker who I don't know.

This.....

Or post on DCUM or a forum similar to this with more of a male bias where advice is freely given without a full appreciation of all the circumstances including exhortations to end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So H and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 7 (!) years. I know he has confided in his brother and SIL about our troubles but honestly, they are constantly talking without me. It makes me feel very left out. Which is one of the issues I have.

Anyway, SIL sent H an email on Tuesday, after a family weekend (his side) at their home this past weekend

SIL:
Hey:
I know that sometimes we tend to overlook all the good things and all the things that are right and well....but your wife really did a lot for the family, was very flexible, and most importantly...really stood up for your parents! I really wanted you to know that she is really doing a lot of things and obviously for you!!! You guys do make a cute couple!!! It really has been fun hanging out with you all this weekend.

H: Thanks for sending this. She has definitely gotten more flexible, which is good. I’m curious about the “stood up for my parents” – what do you mean?

SIL : Call me at home when you are free..

What do you guys think? I think (hope) she's trying to stand up for me but it just feels so intrusive. I don't know.

Did no one else notice the tense in her initial email? It's all in the past. OP, why is she talking about you like you are no longer part of the family? It would certainly make me paranoid that he was about to leave. Sorry. Given what you've said about reading his email because of trust issues, I'd also see the "call me at home" part as a massive red flag. He knows you read his email, she does too, she has something to say that she doesn't want you to know.

Have you had marital therapy? It might be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So H and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 7 (!) years. I know he has confided in his brother and SIL about our troubles but honestly, they are constantly talking without me. It makes me feel very left out. Which is one of the issues I have.

Anyway, SIL sent H an email on Tuesday, after a family weekend (his side) at their home this past weekend

SIL:
Hey:
I know that sometimes we tend to overlook all the good things and all the things that are right and well....but your wife really did a lot for the family, was very flexible, and most importantly...really stood up for your parents! I really wanted you to know that she is really doing a lot of things and obviously for you!!! You guys do make a cute couple!!! It really has been fun hanging out with you all this weekend.

H: Thanks for sending this. She has definitely gotten more flexible, which is good. I’m curious about the “stood up for my parents” – what do you mean?

SIL : Call me at home when you are free..

What do you guys think? I think (hope) she's trying to stand up for me but it just feels so intrusive. I don't know.

Did no one else notice the tense in her initial email? It's all in the past. OP, why is she talking about you like you are no longer part of the family? It would certainly make me paranoid that he was about to leave. Sorry. Given what you've said about reading his email because of trust issues, I'd also see the "call me at home" part as a massive red flag. He knows you read his email, she does too, she has something to say that she doesn't want you to know.

Have you had marital therapy? It might be a good idea.

+1. She is using the past tense, and she is a little too involved. He should be talking to you or to his brother. The SIL is not as close a relationship to confide about intimate marital dynamics. Talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So H and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 7 (!) years. I know he has confided in his brother and SIL about our troubles but honestly, they are constantly talking without me. It makes me feel very left out. Which is one of the issues I have.

Anyway, SIL sent H an email on Tuesday, after a family weekend (his side) at their home this past weekend

SIL:
Hey:
I know that sometimes we tend to overlook all the good things and all the things that are right and well....but your wife really did a lot for the family, was very flexible, and most importantly...really stood up for your parents! I really wanted you to know that she is really doing a lot of things and obviously for you!!! You guys do make a cute couple!!! It really has been fun hanging out with you all this weekend.

H: Thanks for sending this. She has definitely gotten more flexible, which is good. I’m curious about the “stood up for my parents” – what do you mean?

SIL : Call me at home when you are free..

What do you guys think? I think (hope) she's trying to stand up for me but it just feels so intrusive. I don't know.

Did no one else notice the tense in her initial email? It's all in the past. OP, why is she talking about you like you are no longer part of the family? It would certainly make me paranoid that he was about to leave. Sorry. Given what you've said about reading his email because of trust issues, I'd also see the "call me at home" part as a massive red flag. He knows you read his email, she does too, she has something to say that she doesn't want you to know.

Have you had marital therapy? It might be a good idea.

+1. She is using the past tense, and she is a little too involved. He should be talking to you or to his brother. The SIL is not as close a relationship to confide about intimate marital dynamics. Talk to him.

Really? Maybe he tried to talk to his brother and his brother said "get a woman's perspective - Talk to Diane" The SIL is not a close relationship? Doesn't that depend on the dynamics of a particular family? I posted earlier that I do not see the problem and I still don't. In thinking about it, I still do not see what the OP's problem is. He is seeking advice/counsel from another family member! My God, people do it ALL THE TIME!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a daughter-in-law, and subsequently sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, etc., to a whole passel of folks, I wouldn't read any subtext into this. Some guys just tend to delegate a lot of extended family stuff to their wives, and then you can't be surprised when those wives kind of get entrenched. Personally, I moved across the country well over a decade ago when I got married and, in a way, my BILs are more brothers to me than my flesh and blood brother is.

Should your husband be more communicative to you? Certainly! And it is a goal he should show progress toward. But in the meantime, at least he's communicating with someone and not just stewing in his own baggage.

I would wait and see what kind of fruit this bears, rather than rushing in with assumptions and possibly breaking trust. Reassess based on whether his behavior to you improves or not.

I agree. I don't think the relationship is inappropriate in any way. You can't control who your DH chooses to confide in, nor should you attempt to do so. Your SIL seems to be a friend to your marriage and has spoken up on your behalf.

This. I am surprised that so many people see so much negativity in this. My older sisters have been married to their DH's since I was a teen. Over the past 20 years, my BIL's have become MY brothers. And yes, they have counseled me and giving me the "man's perspective" of issues within my own marriage.

Do women on here really think you can regulate who your DH talks to - especially within the family? Honestly, I would rather my DH confide in his brother's wife (who was positive) than a co-worker who I don't know. But to not expect him to confide in someone and to make his DW the be-all in communication is an unrealistc expectation.

Were you on the brink of divorce?

it might shock you, but my DH doesnt confide in anyone about our marriage. When there are issues, we talk it over, I sometimes talk about it but only with other women. It's not that unusual. I am shocked that you think this kind of talk about marriage with another woman is nothing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So H and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 7 (!) years. I know he has confided in his brother and SIL about our troubles but honestly, they are constantly talking without me. It makes me feel very left out. Which is one of the issues I have.

Anyway, SIL sent H an email on Tuesday, after a family weekend (his side) at their home this past weekend

SIL:
Hey:
I know that sometimes we tend to overlook all the good things and all the things that are right and well....but your wife really did a lot for the family, was very flexible, and most importantly...really stood up for your parents! I really wanted you to know that she is really doing a lot of things and obviously for you!!! You guys do make a cute couple!!! It really has been fun hanging out with you all this weekend.

H: Thanks for sending this. She has definitely gotten more flexible, which is good. I’m curious about the “stood up for my parents” – what do you mean?

SIL : Call me at home when you are free..

What do you guys think? I think (hope) she's trying to stand up for me but it just feels so intrusive. I don't know.

Why do you know what your husband's e-mail says?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a daughter-in-law, and subsequently sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, etc., to a whole passel of folks, I wouldn't read any subtext into this. Some guys just tend to delegate a lot of extended family stuff to their wives, and then you can't be surprised when those wives kind of get entrenched. Personally, I moved across the country well over a decade ago when I got married and, in a way, my BILs are more brothers to me than my flesh and blood brother is.

Should your husband be more communicative to you? Certainly! And it is a goal he should show progress toward. But in the meantime, at least he's communicating with someone and not just stewing in his own baggage.

I would wait and see what kind of fruit this bears, rather than rushing in with assumptions and possibly breaking trust. Reassess based on whether his behavior to you improves or not.

I agree. I don't think the relationship is inappropriate in any way. You can't control who your DH chooses to confide in, nor should you attempt to do so. Your SIL seems to be a friend to your marriage and has spoken up on your behalf.

This. I am surprised that so many people see so much negativity in this. My older sisters have been married to their DH's since I was a teen. Over the past 20 years, my BIL's have become MY brothers. And yes, they have counseled me and giving me the "man's perspective" of issues within my own marriage.

Do women on here really think you can regulate who your DH talks to - especially within the family? Honestly, I would rather my DH confide in his brother's wife (who was positive) than a co-worker who I don't know. But to not expect him to confide in someone and to make his DW the be-all in communication is an unrealistc expectation.

Were you on the brink of divorce?

it might shock you, but my DH doesnt confide in anyone about our marriage. When there are issues, we talk it over, I sometimes talk about it but only with other women. It's not that unusual. I am shocked that you think this kind of talk about marriage with another woman is nothing to worry about.

How do you know that your DH does not confide in anyone? That's a strong statement to make. You also must be easily shocked. Anyhow, if it were a woman that worked with him that I did not know? Yea, I would wonder about that. But his brother's wife - a family member? Not at all. Honestly I would rather him talk to a family member who knows me and can do what SIL did - see me in a postive light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a daughter-in-law, and subsequently sister-in-law, niece-in-law, cousin-in-law, etc., to a whole passel of folks, I wouldn't read any subtext into this. Some guys just tend to delegate a lot of extended family stuff to their wives, and then you can't be surprised when those wives kind of get entrenched. Personally, I moved across the country well over a decade ago when I got married and, in a way, my BILs are more brothers to me than my flesh and blood brother is.

Should your husband be more communicative to you? Certainly! And it is a goal he should show progress toward. But in the meantime, at least he's communicating with someone and not just stewing in his own baggage.

I would wait and see what kind of fruit this bears, rather than rushing in with assumptions and possibly breaking trust. Reassess based on whether his behavior to you improves or not.

I agree. I don't think the relationship is inappropriate in any way. You can't control who your DH chooses to confide in, nor should you attempt to do so. Your SIL seems to be a friend to your marriage and has spoken up on your behalf.

This. I am surprised that so many people see so much negativity in this. My older sisters have been married to their DH's since I was a teen. Over the past 20 years, my BIL's have become MY brothers. And yes, they have counseled me and giving me the "man's perspective" of issues within my own marriage.

Do women on here really think you can regulate who your DH talks to - especially within the family? Honestly, I would rather my DH confide in his brother's wife (who was positive) than a co-worker who I don't know. But to not expect him to confide in someone and to make his DW the be-all in communication is an unrealistc expectation.

Were you on the brink of divorce?

it might shock you, but my DH doesnt confide in anyone about our marriage. When there are issues, we talk it over, I sometimes talk about it but only with other women. It's not that unusual. I am shocked that you think this kind of talk about marriage with another woman is nothing to worry about.

How do you know that your DH does not confide in anyone? That's a strong statement to make. You also must be easily shocked. Anyhow, if it were a woman that worked with him that I did not know? Yea, I would wonder about that. But his brother's wife - a family member? Not at all. Honestly I would rather him talk to a family member who knows me and can do what SIL did - see me in a postive light.

Because I know. It might happen one day, but that would be a bad sign, not something normal.

SILs are not related by blood, so certainly feelings are possible, especially since she is held by OPs husband as a model wife. What?? This is not just asking for a woman's perspective, this is an outsider mightily meddling in ones already very rocky marriage. This marriage has a poor prognosis and SIL is definitively NOT helping.

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my BIL. Always have. He's a fun guy to be around and I've even gone on day trips with him, his kids, my kids WITHOUT our spouses. Just BIL, me and the kids. I don't talk to him about his wife and their marital issues behind his wife's back. I just don't. And I don't talk about my husband with BIL behind dh's back.

I don't think it's normal for people to involve themselves in other peoples' marriages like that.

[Anonymous]

@16:25 - Well we can agree to disagree.

Honestly, IMO, when it comes to relationships and marriages. what is "normal" for one family is not normal for another.

So to answer the OP's question, based on what goes on in my family where my BIL's (who I knew long before DH) have always treated me like a little sister, I do not see a problem.

But like I said, everyone has different family dynamics.