MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

OP here - wow, this thread was revived after a long time! My sweet girl is 9 months old. Unfortunately, to keep my marriage intact, I chose to give in somewhat on having my MIL hold the baby. She is supposed to wash her hands and face as soon as she arrives, but that generally only happens when I am here. She used to wear an overshirt over her clothing but that really makes no difference -- the stench is everywhere in the house and all over the baby after she leaves. I literally have to immediately give the baby a bath and I have to wash all of her clothing twice.

I don't believe I'm being neurotic about this...the first few times I only washed the baby's clothing once after she left, and I still felt like I smelled cigarettes on them, but I decided I was being paranoid. Then a friend came over and held the baby and was like, "Wow, little one, have you been smoking?" Now, I wash them twice in hot water with vinegar.

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated greatly. When I was home for maternity leave, she offered to come over EVERY DAY to help and I had to keep tellng her no. She would be no help to me -- the main thing I needed was for someone to hold the baby while I pumped milk, but I was so nervous and freaked out about the baby breathing around her that I could not relax to pump a drop if she was holding the baby that whole time. My MIL was very angry one day and told my FIL that she thought I didn't like her, which he told me, so I called her to explain and say it wasn't that I didn't like her --- I blamed my own anxiety as a FTM and said I just couldn't stand the anxiety of having the baby around her smoke. She was even more insulted than if it was just that I disliked her, and she's barely spoken to me since.

For the most part, now, she only comes over to see the baby when I'm not home. My daughter had 5 severe ear infections in late fall and had ear tubes put in when she was 6 months old. She's also had bronchiolitis (a precursor to asthma) three times this winter. I can't say that that's my MIL's fault, but I'd feel better about myself as a mom if I protected my baby from her better.

Ultimately, though, I had to weigh the damage to my child from driving a bigger wedge between me and DH and the damage to my child from 3rd hand smoke, and I so far have tried to strike a balance between my marriage and my child's health. Not sure how well I'm doing with either, but I appreciate the support and understanding from PP's here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your baby would be exposed to more harmful chemicals on a street corner than from your MIL. From your household cleaner. Your dirty air filter. So many things. Why do you ignore these rational thoughts?

In psychology, this might be called "catastrophizing" or just "OCD" or anxiety. Honestly OP, you are not making sense. Like a PP said, it sounds like you really hate smoke, which I understand stinks etc. But this is way overboard.

OP here. My baby doesn't smell like the street corner or a dirty air filter or household cleaner for 6 hours after exposure as she does after spending time with her grandmother. My baby's nose doesn't run and doesn't cough after a visit to the street corner as she does after being with her grandmother.

When she's been over to the house, even 5-6 hours before I get home from work, as soon as I open the door I know she has visited. My own nose starts running almost immediately. Our furniture reeks for days afterward, and my allergies act up.

I do have heightened anxiety because of her early birth and NICU stay. But really, you'd smell my MIL from 20 feet away if you have a decent sense of smell. You'd understand if this could be a scratch and sniff post.

[Anonymous]

I usually think FTM are being neurotic about a lot of things. I cringe when I think of some of the silly stuff I did and said. However, I am a 47 yr old preemie baby. My mom smoked for a lot of of my childhood, my mom (and grandparents) smoked... and my drove a PINTO with the windows rolled up! My mom quit smoking, and to this day she apologizes for smoking at least every 2-3 months. Her apologizing is almost worse than the freaking smoking. Smoking is not to be played with. I am so sorry your MIL has such low self-esteem and distrust of doctors. I am even sorrier that your DH is more afraid of his mom than the ill-effects of 3rd hand smoke. Is there anyway to approach your DH again regarding this issue. Since you seem to have a like for MIL maybe it can be approached from the perspective of caring for her health as well as that of the baby? Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm having the same problem with my own mom who smoked while preggers with me and my siblings and whose house reeks of Marlboros to this very day. It's so bad I hate bringing my one year old around her. I have asthma because of her, I'm certain of it. Good luck OP with figuring this thing out. It's an uphill battle I know all too well.

[Anonymous]

Oof. How can DH possibly defined his mom on this? Health of a premie baby versus...what? Not to mention your physical reaction in your own home after having MIL over.

Is there any way to keep the visits to public places now that the baby is older?

Your DH is so out of line here, as is your overbearing MIL.

But you and DH should have told her sooner, like, while the baby was in the NICU, that she couldn't come over or hold the baby except under certain circumstances. Letting her call every day and say no without flat out boundaries to begin with cost you--though maybe having a MIL like that you don't have to see is not such a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you felt like you had to give in. This is your little girl's health you are talking about. No way would I allow MIL near her. Tell her she needs to quit smoking if she wants to be a part of DD's life at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - wow, this thread was revived after a long time! My sweet girl is 9 months old. Unfortunately, to keep my marriage intact, I chose to give in somewhat on having my MIL hold the baby. She is supposed to wash her hands and face as soon as she arrives, but that generally only happens when I am here. She used to wear an overshirt over her clothing but that really makes no difference -- the stench is everywhere in the house and all over the baby after she leaves. I literally have to immediately give the baby a bath and I have to wash all of her clothing twice.

I don't believe I'm being neurotic about this...the first few times I only washed the baby's clothing once after she left, and I still felt like I smelled cigarettes on them, but I decided I was being paranoid. Then a friend came over and held the baby and was like, "Wow, little one, have you been smoking?" Now, I wash them twice in hot water with vinegar.

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated greatly. When I was home for maternity leave, she offered to come over EVERY DAY to help and I had to keep tellng her no. She would be no help to me -- the main thing I needed was for someone to hold the baby while I pumped milk, but I was so nervous and freaked out about the baby breathing around her that I could not relax to pump a drop if she was holding the baby that whole time. My MIL was very angry one day and told my FIL that she thought I didn't like her, which he told me, so I called her to explain and say it wasn't that I didn't like her --- I blamed my own anxiety as a FTM and said I just couldn't stand the anxiety of having the baby around her smoke. She was even more insulted than if it was just that I disliked her, and she's barely spoken to me since.

For the most part, now, she only comes over to see the baby when I'm not home. My daughter had 5 severe ear infections in late fall and had ear tubes put in when she was 6 months old. She's also had bronchiolitis (a precursor to asthma) three times this winter. I can't say that that's my MIL's fault, but I'd feel better about myself as a mom if I protected my baby from her better.

Ultimately, though, I had to weigh the damage to my child from driving a bigger wedge between me and DH and the damage to my child from 3rd hand smoke, and I so far have tried to strike a balance between my marriage and my child's health. Not sure how well I'm doing with either, but I appreciate the support and understanding from PP's here!

I don't think the ear infections, need for tubes or bronchitis is your MIL's fault. It would be different if your mother was actually smoking around your baby. I think all of those things probably have more to do with the fact that your baby was a premature baby. I think it's actually wrong of you to blame her, and even though you say you "can't say," it's pretty clear that you blame her. To hold out anger because you blame someone for something that is a bit of a stretch and impossible to prove or disprove is really unfair.

There are toxins everywhere and on everything; we live in an urban environment. The only reason you are singling out smokers is because you can smell it. Lots of things have toxins and are carcinogenic but have barely any odor. If someone has been standing near bus, for example, or was driving with their window down, then they likely have just as much toxins on them as your MIL has on her. They just don't smell as bad.

That said, by all means, protect your baby. There is a reason preemies are basically put in plastic bubbles. If it was just smokers that were the problem, then they wouldn't need to be isolated from *everyone*. And frankly, it's the invisible stuff that you need to worry about -- the things you can't see or smell.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting people to smoke around their children or for wanting a relative who smokes to wash hands, maybe wear a cover or blanket over their chest when they hold the baby. But I think some people unfairly single out smokers. Honestly, if you have a preemie, you should be nervous about anyone coming over. It's not just the relatives who smoke or the relatives who didn't get the flu shot that you need to worry about.

I think people like to single out particular things because it gives them the facade of control. If it's just the smokers or the MIL who won't get a flu shot, then you can pretend as if you really are in control.

I would, frankly, subject all people to the rule of washing hands, putting something over their clothes before the preemie, et cetera. Not just the ones who smelled bad.

[Anonymous]

I realize this is an old thread, but just wanted to say that our pediatrician said many kids get lead poisoning from smokers because it is in cigarettes, thus easily transfers to their hands and anything the smokers touch.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. Not with a preemie. Not happening. I do not mess around with my preemie child's health. We went through way too much to be derailed by people who don't get it or the risks. And if my spouse gave me issues and didn't support me on this, I would be beside myself. Get the doctors involved. They will back you up and you can use them as the bad guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - wow, this thread was revived after a long time! My sweet girl is 9 months old. Unfortunately, to keep my marriage intact, I chose to give in somewhat on having my MIL hold the baby. She is supposed to wash her hands and face as soon as she arrives, but that generally only happens when I am here. She used to wear an overshirt over her clothing but that really makes no difference -- the stench is everywhere in the house and all over the baby after she leaves. I literally have to immediately give the baby a bath and I have to wash all of her clothing twice.

I don't believe I'm being neurotic about this...the first few times I only washed the baby's clothing once after she left, and I still felt like I smelled cigarettes on them, but I decided I was being paranoid. Then a friend came over and held the baby and was like, "Wow, little one, have you been smoking?" Now, I wash them twice in hot water with vinegar.

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated greatly. When I was home for maternity leave, she offered to come over EVERY DAY to help and I had to keep tellng her no. She would be no help to me -- the main thing I needed was for someone to hold the baby while I pumped milk, but I was so nervous and freaked out about the baby breathing around her that I could not relax to pump a drop if she was holding the baby that whole time. My MIL was very angry one day and told my FIL that she thought I didn't like her, which he told me, so I called her to explain and say it wasn't that I didn't like her --- I blamed my own anxiety as a FTM and said I just couldn't stand the anxiety of having the baby around her smoke. She was even more insulted than if it was just that I disliked her, and she's barely spoken to me since.

For the most part, now, she only comes over to see the baby when I'm not home. My daughter had 5 severe ear infections in late fall and had ear tubes put in when she was 6 months old. She's also had bronchiolitis (a precursor to asthma) three times this winter. I can't say that that's my MIL's fault, but I'd feel better about myself as a mom if I protected my baby from her better.

Ultimately, though, I had to weigh the damage to my child from driving a bigger wedge between me and DH and the damage to my child from 3rd hand smoke, and I so far have tried to strike a balance between my marriage and my child's health. Not sure how well I'm doing with either, but I appreciate the support and understanding from PP's here!

I don't think the ear infections, need for tubes or bronchitis is your MIL's fault. It would be different if your mother was actually smoking around your baby. I think all of those things probably have more to do with the fact that your baby was a premature baby. I think it's actually wrong of you to blame her, and even though you say you "can't say," it's pretty clear that you blame her. To hold out anger because you blame someone for something that is a bit of a stretch and impossible to prove or disprove is really unfair.

There are toxins everywhere and on everything; we live in an urban environment. The only reason you are singling out smokers is because you can smell it. Lots of things have toxins and are carcinogenic but have barely any odor. If someone has been standing near bus, for example, or was driving with their window down, then they likely have just as much toxins on them as your MIL has on her. They just don't smell as bad.

That said, by all means, protect your baby. There is a reason preemies are basically put in plastic bubbles. If it was just smokers that were the problem, then they wouldn't need to be isolated from *everyone*. And frankly, it's the invisible stuff that you need to worry about -- the things you can't see or smell.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting people to smoke around their children or for wanting a relative who smokes to wash hands, maybe wear a cover or blanket over their chest when they hold the baby. But I think some people unfairly single out smokers. Honestly, if you have a preemie, you should be nervous about anyone coming over. It's not just the relatives who smoke or the relatives who didn't get the flu shot that you need to worry about.

I think people like to single out particular things because it gives them the facade of control. If it's just the smokers or the MIL who won't get a flu shot, then you can pretend as if you really are in control.

I would, frankly, subject all people to the rule of washing hands, putting something over their clothes before the preemie, et cetera. Not just the ones who smelled bad.

I agree with this. I am asthmatic with severe allergies and i was never around smoke as a child. My brother has two kids - the oldest has asthma and the 7 month old has had very similar breathing issues as Ops baby (she was a 34 weaker) and neither of them have been around smokers. To assume her daughter has only had breathing issues because her MIL occasionally comes over isn't fair to the MIL. I am not for being around smokers - they trigger asthma attacks for me however I also get sick easily and l have lots of breathing problems from all kinds of triggers and often for no known reason. It isn't like my breathing is fabulous unless I am around a smoker.

[Anonymous]

You're being crazy. I think it's a little much to request that grandma change clothes. Most people would throw a receiving blanket over grandma's shoulder/chest and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're being crazy. I think it's a little much to request that grandma change clothes. Most people would throw a receiving blanket over grandma's shoulder/chest and call it a day.

Most people also don't have premies who spend weeks/ months in the NICU. OP I would rather have an ex husband than a child with breathing issues I could have prevented. I have a 28weeker (who's now 3) so I get it. I know your baby is now 9months but STOP the visits, your MIL is doing damage to your child lungs.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried baking soda in the laundry to get rid of the smoky smell?

[Anonymous]

She doesn't believe in doctors but you do, 100%, and your MIL knows this - your baby was in the NICU, for Pete's sake. Talk to your ped and take the recommended precautions.