MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

You aren't overreacting. Insist on hand washing upon entering the house, have a robe/sweater/covering garment that she only wears at your house and insist that she not "go outside to smoke" while at your house. My FIL is very much the same as your MIL and, yes, he totally poo-pooed us and said we were brainwashed and all kinds of stuff, but I wasn't bending and I was fine being the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to get your pediatrician's advice on this issue. If he/she says no holding, no holding. If he/she says holding with specified precautions, enforce them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In the NICU, the March of Dimes social worker and the neonatologist were both clear that the baby should not be in a smiker's house or held by a smoker.

Like, as in never? The baby can never be held by a smoker?

Not a preemie newborn who has spent time n the nicu.

Defn do not go to her house. Tell her if she showers and changes in to clean clothes you provide, then bags her clothes and puts them in her car, she can hold the baby. She will make fun of you for this, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to get your pediatrician's advice on this issue. If he/she says no holding, no holding. If he/she says holding with specified precautions, enforce them.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, would you not trust your MIL to comply if you told her that she needed to shower at her own house before coming over, and not smoke in the interim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should talk to your baby's ped about this. If it were me, I'd be harsh. "Marge, you can tell me that you only smoke outside until the cows come home, but by the way your clothing, hair and home smell, I think we both know that's not the truth. If you need to lie to me to preserve your feelings that's fine, I can go along with that. But when a premature newborn is in the mix, I can't go along with it anymore. You're a kind woman who means well. And I acknowledge and greatly appreciate that. I would love for you to have the opportunity to be the involved grandma I know you want to be. But I just can not let you be around DD with you smelling SO heavily of smoke. I wouldn't be able to respect myself as a mother. I'm sorry."

I think "not believing in doctors" is bullshit. I "don't believe in smoking." Since you are the mother, you hold the power. Your defenseless baby's health trumps your grown mother in law's fragile emotional and dillusional mental state. Marge can go screw herself. I don't play around.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so concerned with her feelings? My son was full term with healthy lungs and we planned to ask FIL to wear a robe to hold him because the smoke smell was so bad. He actually shocked us all by quitting smoking on his own before the baby came.

I do not think you are unreasonable at all for asking her to shower and put on new clothes. Your tiny daughter and her fragile lungs are much more important than protecting your MIL's feelings. If she freaks out you can offer to bring her to a doctors appt. If she refuses, oh well.

Did she are the baby in the nicu with the tubes and wires? Maybe if he saw some pictures she would understand the dry serious and long term risks that differentiate her from a full term baby.

[Anonymous]

For all you know if you let her hold the baby, the baby may start crying from the sickening smell. And then you get to take it away and tell grandma that the baby can't handle the smell of smoke. Just like children and adults, infants don't like to feel unsafe and uncomfortable. The baby could decide this for you with a load of wailing while in gmom's arms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your MIL come with you to the pediatrician a appointment and have yor pedi tell her what she needs to do to keep your preemie baby healthy. She may not be upset if the news is coming from a professional.

OP here. I love this idea, but I can't see it ever happening. MIL "doesn't believe in doctors" and I can't fathom how I would spin accompanying us to an appointment.

In the NICU, the March of Dimes social worker and the neonatologist were both clear that the baby should not be in a smiker's house or held by a smoker. My SIL smokes and never had an objection to MIL visiting or holding her baby boy, so of course I look like I'm overreacting in contrast. But our baby is a preemie. The stakes are much different. (I'd definitely object to spending time at her house with a full term infant, but I don't think I'd be as concerned as I am about her holding the baby in clean clothes at our house.)

Will she believe in doctors when she gets lung cancer and may not live to see her grandchild graduate kindergarten?

[Anonymous]

You are not being unreasonable. Please don't let her hold your baby. Your little baby needs you to look out for her
(BTW, My DH has asthma and allergies and his doctor told him it's probably due to his mother's smoking. Same is probably true for you.)

[Anonymous]

What gestational age are we talking about? A former 24 weeker? I understand the concern. A former 33 weeker? I think you are being a bit over the top. I am a preemie mom, so I get your concern, but try not to be over the top about things.

[Anonymous]

Complicated situation. For our preemie, the doc said "the rules are different for a preemie" Give them two months after the due date and them evaluate. A one minute hold probably is not going to hurt, but much more than a few minutes, I would be concerned. Preemies are delicate and they need extra care for some time. Tell your mIL that the doc said, "nobody, the baby needs sterile non smoke environment" for 2 more months.

[Anonymous]

^^ no one outside you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Let me preface what I am going to write by saying that any and all of these that lean no supportive to your views where this topic is concerned need to disclose if they smoke and if they hold close relationships to smokers.
I say this because smoking erodes one's olfactory abilities.
Simply put.... They can smell as at all as well as they claim.
In addition, smokers are often addicts in their own right; most succinctly the chain smokers.
Consequently addicts choose denial as oppose to reality.
Bottom line, I know too well your agony. Where I do not have a premie, I do have an allergy prone daughter who at the age of 12 got tubes.
She has just had severe seasonal and environmental allergies to the point of continuous retracted eardrums.
My mother chose to marry a chain smoker.
The reek emanates from their house 4 feet on a good day.
On the rare occasion he is not burning down 2 cigs at once... No exaggeration,
makes little difference due to the dozen years of stored carcinogen within the house.
Walk in there 5 mins, come out and you smell your hands.
They retain a copper smell as though you were holding a cigarette.
We strip down and wash our stuff after every visit and especially before we sit on our furniture.
It's that bad; so, all of your nay-Sayers need to step back.
I hate going over there. The pediatrician asked if we live with a smoker and I told her we visit my moms home.
She told me that my daughter should not be in that atmosphere.
My sister and children have asthma which is what your baby can develop from exposure to the gunk on a smoker.
My sister will not visit mom anymore. Breathing is a tad more important.
Again the addict smoker and his enabler don't get it; so, my sister is vilified as callous in keeping Grandkids from mom.
I do not fault my sister for protecting her children; she would be a neglectful parent if she didn't.
I will also add that my mom has the biggest heart and cleans my home; totally unsolicited, when I am at work.
Sometimes she takes laundry to her home to do.
Oh my heck. I have to redo them twice to rid the reek.
Most times I have to hold my breath just to keep from gagging around her,
and it's not her. It's her husband.
To give you an out get your OB/GYN to write up what is an acceptable enviornment and what is to be avoided at all costs.
Also the detriments of neglecting the basic prescription of post natal premie care.
I back you entirely. You are far from neurotic.
You are championing your daughter's health.
Do you know what a miracle it is that preemies have such a great prognosis?
And you know the fight for her health science her birth.
So, go for a well baby check up and especially if your infant is under a specialists care have them weight in, in writing.
That way when you start doubting yourself because of bullying within your family; because really that's what it is, pull out your doctors orders. E

[Anonymous]

Tell her to wear the hospital gown you bought her, wash her hands and up to her elbows, make her wear a surgical mask. Oh and the shoe booties too. Might as well have the whole outfit.

My FIL claims he has COPD from my MIL's smoking. Since she smoked outside, he claims he got it from smelling smoke on her. So silly.