MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?
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Anonymous
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My MIL has a good heart and I like her. I don't enjoy her company in great quantities because she is the most pathologically anxious person on the planet, so it is exhausting to be in her presence, but I have sympathy for her condition (which she refuses to treat b/c she doesn't believe in doctors) and I recognize that her constant terror for everyone's safety is motivated by a good heart.
Here's the thing: she is a chain smoker, and she reeks of smoke. Reeks of it. Anything she brings into our house smells from a room away. She lives locally, and DH and I rarely go to her house because (even though she claims she only smokes outside) it is oppressively stinky there -- not just cigarette smoke but also air fresheners, scented candles, etc to disguise the smell. I joke that it's a cross between a smoker's lounge and a French whorehouse. When we get home, we smell do bad we immediately have to strip out clothes off and take showers before we sit on our upholstery. We now have a premature infant, her first granddaughter, who she desperately wants to hold. When the baby was in the NICU, DH and I agreed that her little lungs were much too fragile to be exposed to Grandma's 3rd hand smoke on her clothes, skin, and hair. Now that the baby is home and close to her due date, DH wants to let his mom hold her. The thought of those carcinogens hitting her little lungs freaks me out...if my nose runs and my eyes tear up when she's 5 feet away, I can't stand the thought of my baby in her arms. The thing is, she has REALLY low self esteem, and her feelings are very easily hurt. She fastidiously bathes; she has no idea she smells so awful. And my DH doesn't smell it as acutely as I do b/c he's used to it, plus I'm asthmatic so more sensitive. I would honesly rather that she never hold the baby. I know that will hurt her, but our baby's lungs are hineakt more important than her feelings about her smoke smell. I've compromised, though, and DH and I agreed that we will tell her she needs to keep a set of clothes here at our house and change into them before she holds him. But I honestly want her to shower here first, so she'll wash off anything in her hair or on her skin. DH thinks that is unnecessary and insulting. I wish I could capitalize on her anxiety and oppressive concern for everyone's safety by appealing rationally to her concern for the baby's health, but she is so easily insulted that I can't even attempt the conversation. The thing is, my parents smoked and I survived. (With asthma and allergies, but survived.) A grandma chain smoker who doesn't smoke in the baby's presence is much safer than what I know to be survive able. But after watching my baby in an isolette in the NICU, hooked up to all sorts of tubes and wires..I can't imagine voluntarily exposing the baby to all those carcinogens just to cushion his grandmother's feelings. Am I being unreasonable here? Overprotective? Or would you be similarly reluctant to let a very smoky-smelling chain smoker hold your baby? |
Anonymous
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Yes you are being overprotective, but understandably so. I think saying you would rather she never hold your baby is a little unreasonable though.
Reasonable - the change of clothes Veering into unreasonable territory - showering I'm wondering how bad the smoke really is. You clearly have issues with smokers and might be imagining how bad the smell is. My brother is like this. |
Anonymous
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ask your pediatrician. i'm one and the advice i give is that the smoker should shower and change and brush teeth before holding the preemie baby. smoke particles do stick to clothes and hair and are in her breath and if she holds baby without getting rid of all the particles, its essentially the same as smoking a cigarette over the crib.
that's my 2 cents, but i encourage you to talk to your pediatrician to come up with a reasonable plan for the first year and beyond, as preemies are already at higher risk of lung disease, rsv, lung infections, and chronic asthma. |
Anonymous
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OMG are you for real? You are way neurotic.
I sympathize that she reeks bad and its nasty. But her stinkiness and "3rd hand smoke" every once in a while is not going to harm the baby except to stink. And if the baby cries because she stinks, then just take the baby in your arms and if grandma looks baffled every time just say that "she smells the smoke on you, sorry." |
Anonymous
Same poster - I forgot to add that I do feel you regarding going to her house - I wouldn't - hell no. If it's that smoky/stinky, then no. DH needs to be honest and tell his mother look mom, I know you claim you don't smoke at home, but it reeks in there and we prefer not to bring the baby over there, especially with DW having asthmatic issues since she was a baby due to smoke. |
Anonymous
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My son was born at 32 weeks and spent 2weeks in the NICU, all hooked up. He is now 8, has asthma, and has pulmonary complications nearly every time he goes down with something.
My chain-smoking parents change their smoking habits every time we visit. They do not smoke indoors, and even though their clothes and bodies do smell, they make every effort to aerate their house and clothing. They hate scents of any kind. Could your MIL do this? She needs to live with open windows, and keep a clean house (wash her curtains regularly, etc). That will eliminate the need for those horrible scented candles, etc. If she is willing to wash her hands and face in the powder room, and change her clothing when she visits, it is very good of her. No smoking inside your house, of course. You need to separate the very real fear you have for your fragile baby (I know!) from the reasonable demands you can make of your MIL. Good luck to your little one. |
Anonymous
But the MIL is local, so it probably wouldn't be "every one in a while." Presumably, it could be a few times a week or more. If I were OP, I'd cite something like what the pediatrician PP said. Couch it in language that appeals to her sense of anxiety but do so in a way that is depersonalized so she is less likely to take offense. If you really feel compassion and fondness for her, those feelings will come through and ease the sting of the message. FWIW, OP, I'd have the same concerns as you-- and I'm not even (currently!) a hormonal, new first-time mother. |
Anonymous
| I think you should talk to your baby's ped about this. If it were me, I'd be harsh. "Marge, you can tell me that you only smoke outside until the cows come home, but by the way your clothing, hair and home smell, I think we both know that's not the truth. If you need to lie to me to preserve your feelings that's fine, I can go along with that. But when a premature newborn is in the mix, I can't go along with it anymore. You're a kind woman who means well. And I acknowledge and greatly appreciate that. I would love for you to have the opportunity to be the involved grandma I know you want to be. But I just can not let you be around DD with you smelling SO heavily of smoke. I wouldn't be able to respect myself as a mother. I'm sorry." |
Anonymous
| Talk to your ped or lung specialist. I don't think u r crazy. |
Anonymous
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First of all OP, your daughter's health takes priority over anyone's self-esteem. You are not responsible for making your MIL feel better. There are all sorts of toxins that are on the skin and clothing of a smoker, and you are not out of line to be concerned. The fact that your baby was born prematurely adds another level of concern. It is absolutely fine to proceed cautiously with this. I agree with others that talking with your pediatrician is best. Write down your questions and give the specific details of the situations with MIL about which you are concerned.
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Anonymous
| Can you have a robe or something to put over her clothing? Something you only keep at your house? |
Anonymous
| Have your MIL come with you to the pediatrician a appointment and have yor pedi tell her what she needs to do to keep your preemie baby healthy. She may not be upset if the news is coming from a professional. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
OP here. I love this idea, but I can't see it ever happening. MIL "doesn't believe in doctors" and I can't fathom how I would spin accompanying us to an appointment. In the NICU, the March of Dimes social worker and the neonatologist were both clear that the baby should not be in a smiker's house or held by a smoker. My SIL smokes and never had an objection to MIL visiting or holding her baby boy, so of course I look like I'm overreacting in contrast. But our baby is a preemie. The stakes are much different. (I'd definitely object to spending time at her house with a full term infant, but I don't think I'd be as concerned as I am about her holding the baby in clean clothes at our house.) |
Anonymous
Like, as in never? The baby can never be held by a smoker? |