Reply to MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here - wow, this thread was revived after a long time!  My sweet girl is 9 months old.  Unfortunately, to keep my marriage intact, I chose to give in somewhat on having my MIL hold the baby.  She is supposed to wash her hands and face as soon as she arrives, but that generally only happens when I am here.  She used to wear an overshirt over her clothing but that really makes no difference -- the stench is everywhere in the house and all over the baby after she leaves.  I literally have to immediately give the baby a bath and I have to wash all of her clothing twice.

I don't believe I'm being neurotic about this...the first few times I only washed the baby's clothing once after she left, and I still felt like I smelled cigarettes on them, but I decided I was being paranoid.  Then a friend came over and held the baby and was like, "Wow, little one, have you been smoking?"  Now, I wash them twice in hot water with vinegar.

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated greatly.  When I was home for maternity leave, she offered to come over EVERY DAY to help and I had to keep tellng her no.  She would be no help to me -- the main thing I needed was for someone to hold the baby while I pumped milk, but I was so nervous and freaked out about the baby breathing around her that I could not relax to pump a drop if she was holding the baby that whole time.  My MIL was very angry one day and told my FIL that she thought I didn't like her, which he told me, so I called her to explain and say it wasn't that I didn't like her --- I blamed my own anxiety as a FTM and said I just couldn't stand the anxiety of having the baby around her smoke.  She was even more insulted than if it was just that I disliked her, and she's barely spoken to me since.

For the most part, now, she only comes over to see the baby when I'm not home.  My daughter had 5 severe ear infections in late fall and had ear tubes put in when she was 6 months old.  She's also had bronchiolitis (a precursor to asthma) three times this winter.  I can't say that that's my MIL's fault, but I'd feel better about myself as a mom if I protected my baby from her better.

Ultimately, though, I had to weigh the damage to my child from driving a bigger wedge between me and DH and the damage to my child from 3rd hand smoke, and I so far have tried to strike a balance between my marriage and my child's health.  Not sure how well I'm doing with either, but I appreciate the support and understanding from PP's here![/quote]

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