MIL & 3rd hand smoke...am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all OP, your daughter's health takes priority over anyone's self-esteem. You are not responsible for making your MIL feel better. There are all sorts of toxins that are on the skin and clothing of a smoker, and you are not out of line to be concerned. The fact that your baby was born prematurely adds another level of concern. It is absolutely fine to proceed cautiously with this. I agree with others that talking with your pediatrician is best. Write down your questions and give the specific details of the situations with MIL about which you are concerned.

agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface what I am going to write by saying that any and all of these that lean no supportive to your views where this topic is concerned need to disclose if they smoke and if they hold close relationships to smokers.
I say this because smoking erodes one's olfactory abilities.
Simply put.... They can smell as at all as well as they claim.
In addition, smokers are often addicts in their own right; most succinctly the chain smokers.
Consequently addicts choose denial as oppose to reality.
Bottom line, I know too well your agony. Where I do not have a premie, I do have an allergy prone daughter who at the age of 12 got tubes.
She has just had severe seasonal and environmental allergies to the point of continuous retracted eardrums.
My mother chose to marry a chain smoker.
The reek emanates from their house 4 feet on a good day.
On the rare occasion he is not burning down 2 cigs at once... No exaggeration,
makes little difference due to the dozen years of stored carcinogen within the house.
Walk in there 5 mins, come out and you smell your hands.
They retain a copper smell as though you were holding a cigarette.
We strip down and wash our stuff after every visit and especially before we sit on our furniture.
It's that bad; so, all of your nay-Sayers need to step back.
I hate going over there. The pediatrician asked if we live with a smoker and I told her we visit my moms home.
She told me that my daughter should not be in that atmosphere.
My sister and children have asthma which is what your baby can develop from exposure to the gunk on a smoker.
My sister will not visit mom anymore. Breathing is a tad more important.
Again the addict smoker and his enabler don't get it; so, my sister is vilified as callous in keeping Grandkids from mom.
I do not fault my sister for protecting her children; she would be a neglectful parent if she didn't.
I will also add that my mom has the biggest heart and cleans my home; totally unsolicited, when I am at work.
Sometimes she takes laundry to her home to do.
Oh my heck. I have to redo them twice to rid the reek.
Most times I have to hold my breath just to keep from gagging around her,
and it's not her. It's her husband.
To give you an out get your OB/GYN to write up what is an acceptable enviornment and what is to be avoided at all costs.
Also the detriments of neglecting the basic prescription of post natal premie care.
I back you entirely. You are far from neurotic.
You are championing your daughter's health.
Do you know what a miracle it is that preemies have such a great prognosis?
And you know the fight for her health science her birth.
So, go for a well baby check up and especially if your infant is under a specialists care have them weight in, in writing.
That way when you start doubting yourself because of bullying within your family; because really that's what it is, pull out your doctors orders. E

That was a lovely poem, thank you.

[Anonymous]

I hope you also shield your child from fireplaces, grills, auto exhaust, and do not take her with you to the gas station.

You seem a little neurotic. I understand that you have a premie and I understand that she is extra-fragile at this point, however, you don't need to be cruel and have a little compassion for your weak mil. Washing hands, no smoking on way to your house, brushing teeth, blanket between her and baby are the limits if what you can ask -- unless you would rather just skype with her for the time being.

On the bright, though morbid side, you may not need to worry about her for too long.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a micro-preemie, and no, I do not think you are being unreasonable. Ask your MIL to shower before she comes over and to keep a change of clothes at your house. She must wash her hands, use hand sanitizer and wear a mask when holding the baby. Tell her it's doctor's orders, and leave it at that.

My DC was born at 26 weeks, and by definition had lung damage. No way would I let a smoker anywhere near my baby. I wouldn't even let any relatives come see or hold the baby until DC was a full year old. Yes, I lost a lot of friends that year, but DC is a healthy child now, and I don't regret it for a moment. A neighbor had a preemie (born at 34 weeks) who was hospitalized twice during his first year and has asthma. She took him everywhere his first year, let anyone hold him. I refused to take that risk.

You're the mom, you make the rules. I'm sorry if your MIL will suffer as a result, but your baby's health is your first priority. Your MIL is a grown up, and she'll get over it. But if your baby gets sick, well, you will have a tough time on your hands. Cigarette smoke, even 3rd hand, does not mix with a preemie's fragile lungs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you also shield your child from fireplaces, grills, auto exhaust, and do not take her with you to the gas station.

You seem a little neurotic. I understand that you have a premie and I understand that she is extra-fragile at this point, however, you don't need to be cruel and have a little compassion for your weak mil. Washing hands, no smoking on way to your house, brushing teeth, blanket between her and baby are the limits if what you can ask -- unless you would rather just skype with her for the time being.

On the bright, though morbid side, you may not need to worry about her for too long.

You obviously have never had a preemie. Speak when you know what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Is there now "4th hand" smoke? Do the chemicals ever dissipate? Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you also shield your child from fireplaces, grills, auto exhaust, and do not take her with you to the gas station.

You seem a little neurotic. I understand that you have a premie and I understand that she is extra-fragile at this point, however, you don't need to be cruel and have a little compassion for your weak mil. Washing hands, no smoking on way to your house, brushing teeth, blanket between her and baby are the limits if what you can ask -- unless you would rather just skype with her for the time being.

On the bright, though morbid side, you may not need to worry about her for too long.

You obviously have never had a preemie. Speak when you know what you are talking about.

PP here. You are wrong. And I briefly let a much-beloved great-uncle cigar-smoker hold DS. Great-uncle died within a year. The photos are priceless to me.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to people who say you r being neurotic. You're following the guidance of experts.

Have your mother-in-law leave a couple of outfits at your house that r smoke free. Tell her she has to immediately take off her clothes, put them in a garbage bag, and take a shower where she washes her hair and brushes her teeth and then changes into the new outfit before getting near your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you also shield your child from fireplaces, grills, auto exhaust, and do not take her with you to the gas station.

You seem a little neurotic. I understand that you have a premie and I understand that she is extra-fragile at this point, however, you don't need to be cruel and have a little compassion for your weak mil. Washing hands, no smoking on way to your house, brushing teeth, blanket between her and baby are the limits if what you can ask -- unless you would rather just skype with her for the time being.

On the bright, though morbid side, you may not need to worry about her for too long.

You obviously have never had a preemie. Speak when you know what you are talking about.

She is not being neurotic at all!!! She has a premie, it's flu season and she has a MIL who is a smoker and doesn't listen to doctors. I feel for you op! You need to look out for your child. At the very least take dh with you to the pediatrician so you are both on the same page. Congrats on your new baby! Mom to 34 week twins who are now 12 with a MIL who still is mad at me that I made her wash her hands every time she walked in the door . Do what's best for the baby -- that's most important!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you also shield your child from fireplaces, grills, auto exhaust, and do not take her with you to the gas station.

You seem a little neurotic. I understand that you have a premie and I understand that she is extra-fragile at this point, however, you don't need to be cruel and have a little compassion for your weak mil. Washing hands, no smoking on way to your house, brushing teeth, blanket between her and baby are the limits if what you can ask -- unless you would rather just skype with her for the time being.

On the bright, though morbid side, you may not need to worry about her for too long.

This!

You are being irrational. If no 3rd or 4th or 5th hand smoke, then CERTAINLY no exposure whatsoever to cars or buses or grilling. So no going outside ever basically.

Try not to be OCD/neurotic. Just ask MIL to please wash her hands before holding the baby because she is a smoker. End of story. Then just try to casually limit how often she holds the baby so as not to gross you out and everything will be fine.

, or being outside

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you are being overprotective, but understandably so. I think saying you would rather she never hold your baby is a little unreasonable though.

Reasonable - the change of clothes
Veering into unreasonable territory - showering

I'm wondering how bad the smoke really is. You clearly have issues with smokers and might be imagining how bad the smell is. My brother is like this.

Disagree almost entirely. Showering is not even close to unreasonable.

And everyone should have issues with smokers. It's disgusting, unhealthy, and harms others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all OP, your daughter's health takes priority over anyone's self-esteem. You are not responsible for making your MIL feel better. There are all sorts of toxins that are on the skin and clothing of a smoker, and you are not out of line to be concerned. The fact that your baby was born prematurely adds another level of concern. It is absolutely fine to proceed cautiously with this. I agree with others that talking with your pediatrician is best. Write down your questions and give the specific details of the situations with MIL about which you are concerned.

This times a thousand.

[Anonymous]

You do realize that docs and social workers exaggerate so that people will do half of what they suggest?

The bad smell won't harm your newborn. The tar in your MIL's lung is in there: unless she's giving the baby mouth to mouth, it won't waft it's way into your baby's lungs and settle. If she washes hands, maybe changes her shirt, you are fine.

[Anonymous]

My daughter wasn't a premie, and I made my husband wash his hands and face and change his shirt before he held her. I think you're being totally reasonable OP.

[Anonymous]

Your baby would be exposed to more harmful chemicals on a street corner than from your MIL. From your household cleaner. Your dirty air filter. So many things. Why do you ignore these rational thoughts?

In psychology, this might be called "catastrophizing" or just "OCD" or anxiety. Honestly OP, you are not making sense. Like a PP said, it sounds like you really hate smoke, which I understand stinks etc. But this is way overboard.