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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - wow, this thread was revived after a long time!  My sweet girl is 9 months old.  Unfortunately, to keep my marriage intact, I chose to give in somewhat on having my MIL hold the baby.  She is supposed to wash her hands and face as soon as she arrives, but that generally only happens when I am here.  She used to wear an overshirt over her clothing but that really makes no difference -- the stench is everywhere in the house and all over the baby after she leaves.  I literally have to immediately give the baby a bath and I have to wash all of her clothing twice.

I don't believe I'm being neurotic about this...the first few times I only washed the baby's clothing once after she left, and I still felt like I smelled cigarettes on them, but I decided I was being paranoid.  Then a friend came over and held the baby and was like, "Wow, little one, have you been smoking?"  Now, I wash them twice in hot water with vinegar.

My relationship with MIL has deteriorated greatly.  When I was home for maternity leave, she offered to come over EVERY DAY to help and I had to keep tellng her no.  She would be no help to me -- the main thing I needed was for someone to hold the baby while I pumped milk, but I was so nervous and freaked out about the baby breathing around her that I could not relax to pump a drop if she was holding the baby that whole time.  My MIL was very angry one day and told my FIL that she thought I didn't like her, which he told me, so I called her to explain and say it wasn't that I didn't like her --- I blamed my own anxiety as a FTM and said I just couldn't stand the anxiety of having the baby around her smoke.  She was even more insulted than if it was just that I disliked her, and she's barely spoken to me since.

For the most part, now, she only comes over to see the baby when I'm not home.  [b]My daughter had 5 severe ear infections in late fall and had ear tubes put in when she was 6 months old.  She's also had bronchiolitis (a precursor to asthma) three times this winter.  I can't say that that's my MIL's fault, [/b]but I'd feel better about myself as a mom if I protected my baby from her better.

Ultimately, though, I had to weigh the damage to my child from driving a bigger wedge between me and DH and the damage to my child from 3rd hand smoke, and I so far have tried to strike a balance between my marriage and my child's health.  Not sure how well I'm doing with either, but I appreciate the support and understanding from PP's here![/quote]

I don't think the ear infections, need for tubes or bronchitis is your MIL's fault.  It would be different if your mother was actually smoking around your baby.  I think all of those things probably have more to do with the fact that your baby was a premature baby.   I think it's actually wrong of you to blame her, and even though you say you "can't say," it's pretty clear that you blame her.  To hold out anger because you blame someone for something that is a bit of a stretch and impossible to prove or disprove is really unfair.

There are toxins everywhere and on everything; we live in an urban environment.  The only reason you are singling out smokers is because you can smell it.  Lots of things have toxins and are carcinogenic but have barely any odor.  If someone has been standing near bus, for example, or was driving with their window down, then they likely have just as much toxins on them as your MIL has on her.  They just don't smell as bad.

That said, by all means, protect your baby.  There is a reason preemies are basically put in plastic bubbles.  If it was just smokers that were the problem, then they wouldn't need to be isolated from *everyone*.  And frankly, it's the invisible stuff that you need to worry about -- the things you can't see or smell.

I don't blame anyone for not wanting people to smoke around their children or for wanting a relative who smokes to wash hands, maybe wear a cover or blanket over their chest when they hold the baby.  But I think some people unfairly single out smokers.  Honestly, if you have a preemie, you should be nervous about anyone coming over.  It's not just the relatives who smoke or the relatives who didn't get the flu shot that you need to worry about.

I think people like to single out particular things because it gives them the facade of control.  If it's just the smokers or the MIL who won't get a flu shot, then you can pretend as if you really are in control.

I would, frankly, subject all people to the rule of washing hands, putting something over their clothes before the preemie, et cetera.  Not just the ones who smelled bad.[/quote]

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