What age will you consider your kids "grown up" and no longer bail them out?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
I'm completely with you. If you protect a kid from consequences of his actions, his actions are likely to keep getting worse and worse until he hits a consequence that you can't protect him from. I'd rather my kid learn early and let him face authentic consequences for minor problems, so he will develop his own self-discipline. Hopefully, he will become stronger and more responsible because I'm not taking responsibility for his mistakes. I contrast this with how my stepdaughter was parented by my DH and his ex...until mid-high school, they bailed her out of every small mistake she made because, well, don't you want to make life easier for your kids? So if she forgot her history homework at home, they'd leave work to go home to pick it up and drop it off for her at school. If she left her ballet shoes at the other parent's house, one parent would be sure to drop them off so she didn't miss a ballet class. If she was failing a class, they'd blame the teacher for not explaining things clearly rather than holding her responsible for her failure to even attempt assignments. She's a sweet girl and I love her very much, but she's hobbled emotionally. She's just had it SO easy that now, at 19, when any small hurdle comes in her way, she has a complete meltdown. When she misses a deadline, she blames everyone else. She failed her first semester at college and she's completely lost about what to do next. It's ROUGH to learn responsibility and self-confidence as an adult, where nearly everything is high stakes. I wish she didn't have to go through what she's going through, and I won't put my son through that suffering. |
Anonymous
| The stepparents and toddler parents on DCUM are always so wise! |
Anonymous
| You are saying this tongue in cheek, apparently. |
Anonymous
|
16:01 Are you serious? This child had to grow up between two homes, and you call a parenting getting the ballet slippers she forgot at another's BAILING HER OUT?
Your other examples have merit. This girl could well have learning or attention issues. Was she tested? Please come back in 20 years. |
Anonymous
The consequences of continual enabling and minimizing impact of personal poor choices and allowing children to shirk responsibility time and time again can also be incredibly harsh and damaging. Many people can tell stories of having parents who were afraid to show any tough love and most of these stories don't have happy endings. I don't think her husband sounds like a jerk at all. If you have raised your kids to be independent and responsible once they are adults they should be able to take on responsibility for themselves. Support them - yes. Enable them and allow them to avoid personal responsibility - no. Loving someone doesn't mean you allow them to take advantage of you and use you. |
Anonymous
I am serious. The ballet slippers were just one example of all the things, big and small, that could have been her responsibility as a teenager but for which both parents accepted complete responsibility. Her parents split up when she was 11, and I first started dating her dad when she was 14, a year of forgotten books, homework, ballet shoes, etc. I can't think of a single time when she was inconvenienced or faced a consequence. I initially thought a huge part of DH and his ex's behavior was guilt that the divorce was hard on her, but my husband said they did the same when she was younger and they all lived together, too. For the record, for most of this time she lived with each parent 50/50 and they lived just a mile apart. But she was never even encouraged to walk from one house to another by herself in a very safe neighborhood. Everything would be brought to her. She was tested for learning disabilities in 7th grade but there were no major deficiencies or discrepancies between her tests and her academic achievement up to that point. I'm a high school teacher, though, and I immediately suspected ADD. Turns out her dad has ADD, too, and found great relief a couple of years ago with a mild stimulant and some new coping skills. After her dad was diagnosed, he talked with her and had teachers fill out ADD screening questionnaires, and she clearly showed many of the typical behaviors. Her mom refused to let her take Adderall, though, calling it a crutch. I found it ironic because they both had been disabling crutches for her for so long...and here was a chance for a crutch that could ENable her! Oh well. Still working on that one. 
I'm not heartless; I love the kid. But the ballet shoes were not an isolated incident. Never once did the kid have to sit out or miss out or get a 0 if her parents could bail her out of all those little mistakes. But now they can't fix everything for her, and she's completely unable to cope. It's not fair. Her parents honestly, and with love, just wanted to make life easier for her. And get childhood WAS easy. But now adulthood seems impossibly hard, and is way harder than it had to be because she has had so few experiences with successes that were truly her own. She hasn't been given an opportunity to trust herself, to screw up and then fix it, to be imperfect and then get better at something. I say this with no animosity toward her...she is a sweet girl; we get along well. And I know her dad bailed her out all those times because he never wanted to see her suffer. But now she's suffering SO much more than a few zeroes in high school or a missed ballet class or three. And he can't fix it, and she doesn't believe she can either. FWIW, it's easy to dismiss me as an evil stepmom or to say because my son is young, I'll feel differently. But her dad feels even more strongly than me that he really hurt her by making life do easy for her, by insulating her from feeling any discomfort from her mistakes. And I speak more from seeing the kids I have taught over the years whose parents have protected them from every scrape, defend them reflexively no matter how unacceptable the behavior. It's doing them no favors in the long run. |
Anonymous
|
Well every case is different, 19:02. Some children like your SD grow out of these habits and, despite accommodating parents, manage to navigate college. Your husband shouldn't beat himself up over it -- maybe things would have been worse for her if her parents hadn't been so accommodating. She may have acted out in school or turned to drugs without their support. (I think it was reasonable that they not make her walk the mile between homes!)
Is she in therapy? Something sounds amiss. He can't fix it, but he can still try and fix it not by bailing her out but by being there for her. Give guidance, if she's open to it. Encourage her to do a gap year program, if that makes sense. Get to therapy. She's 19 now, maybe your husband can revisit the Adderall issue without interference from the mother. |
Anonymous
It is funny though how addiction can just sneak up on you. My cousin's DD was at an Ivy League school with a 3.9 GPA. She was three weeks from graduation. She accidentally OD'd. Ended up in the hospital, fortunately not jail. She'd been legitimately prescribed Percoset for severe pain. After her scripts ran out, she started buying on the street, but my cousin and his wife never knew about the addiction problem. They live across the country from the school, so they flew in when she was hospitalized and going thru detox. She wouldn't let her parents see her. Eventually, they talked her into going into a rehab program for young adults. She bull shitted her way thru that program and was released early. Back to using. Another stint in rehab. Back to using. Another trip to rehab. Lived in a sober living facility for several months. She is finally clean, she is going to NA meetings. She is tutoring and working in a bakery. When or if she finishes her degree (it has been a year and a half) is unclear. The addiction specialists my cousin and his wife were working with told them that if she uses again she is not allowed back into the house. This was very difficult for them to hear. Fortunately, they have not had to test that because she has been clean. So on top of her tuition, they've paid about $100,000 in rehab costs (which they really don't have and some of which we loaned them the money for). Was it worth it? Yes, their DD is clean now. But the DD knows that it is it. No more bail outs. None at all. This seems to have been a wake up for her. Before this, I would have said anything having to do with addiction was not something I would deal with. We believe you help family and second chances are out there. This went beyond second chances, but I think the money was well spent. She's clean and I hope she stays that way. She knows she is on her own from here on out. Tough issues. |
Anonymous
O holier than thou one- Your kid is four years old. You have not a clue how you will feel when your own child- not a stepchild- gets into trouble. Obviously, if you have a 26 year old stepson, you are old- and most likely set in your ways. I feel sorry for you kid. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
|
To 16:01 and 19:02 -
I could have been your stepdaughter. After my mom died in middle school, my father remarried quickly. My stepmom, while a great person in many ways, believed that my siblings and I had been spoiled by previous parenting and decided she was going to lay down the law. My dad basically acquiesced. I cannot describe how lonely and misunderstood I felt. How ashamed I became whenever I'd screw up, and how angry and betrayed I felt too. It really was hell. I know my stepmother's intentions were good, but it wasn't her place to discipline us and my father allowing her to be so harsh just sent the message that I was an unacceptable human being. It took many years of positive adult life experiences and therapy to undue this damage. I say this realizing your situation is different than mine was. I guess I want to make a plea for love first, discipline second. Tough love is important, but the love needs to be there first. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry you went through that hell. To be clear, I have not been involved in disciplining my stepdaughter in any way. I wish I had had a chance to develop a relationship with her that might have allowed for that, if we had had time to develop love and trust, but I didn't even start dating her dad until she was 14, and I knew well that even after 3 years together, I wasn't going to step in and assert any attempt at authority over her. Her dad and I very deliberately waited until she had turned 18 and graduated from high school to get married, and we included her in our plans and made sure she knew that everything would be consistent for her until HS ended. (In contrast, her mom met a guy, had him move in, married him, and divorced him all within 18 months of the poor kid's soph-junior years.) We wanted her to know she was her dad's first priority, and I know well that as a teenager, if my dad fell in love with some woman when I was 14, wen if my parents had been divorced for years (as hers were), I would have been threatened an angry, no matter who she was. So what I'm focusing on is just welcoming her into the home we have together now, offering her support, asking about her life, and giving her time alone with her dad as much as she's up for hanging out with him. I don't know if/when we'll ever be close, but I try to just communicate care and welcome without being pushy. I'm not sure if I can ever explain my perspective well enough, but my feeling that she needed real consequences isn't punitive. She's not a brat who needs to be punished. She's just a kid who has never had real consequences for small missteps, so she has never built the skills to recover from them herself. I just think that puts her at a huge disadvantage, the biggest of which is that she doesn't have a strong self-concept. She's so used to her parents bailing her our that I fear she'll never feel confident out in the world unless she has a guy to rescue her or folks to support her. The last thing I want to do is further damage her self-concept, so I REALLY appreciate your perspective. I'm going to be thinking a lot about what you wrote. Thanks. (And I think you are very fair to your stepmother in what you wrote. I hope you've been able to develop a better relationship with her since then.) |
Anonymous
|
23:21, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Coincidentally I was 14 when I lost my mother and my father remarried. It sounds like you have been sensitive to your stepdaughter's needs. Being a stepparent can't be easy under the best of circumstances. I think your DH can have a positive impact if he takes the lead in trying to help her be more responsible. If they have a solid relationship that could help a lot. He probably needs to be honest with her if he feels it should have been a bit tougher in the discipline department. Hopefully your stepdaughter will come to understand this as she continues to mature.
I'm happy to report that my relationship with my stepmom did improve over the years. While there were some lingering tensions we did develop an affection and respect for one another. She passed away a few months ago, and I'm thankful that not all my memories of our time together are negative. |
Anonymous
This sounds like something you read in a tabloid. I don't think you understand brain development. Teens have very developed brains....they are capable of making good decisions and taking responsibility. Of course they will continue to mature and as they have more life experience, they will better be able to apply what they know. Their bodies continue to develop too but we don't say they kicked the ball poorly because they might still grow another inch. Teens around the world are taking on many, many adult responsibilities and doing it competently. Many rights and privileges are given to teens, young adults and their brains are more than able to manage this. They may not act responsible if they have never been held responsible or always rescued or had a golden path paved for them through life but they are not walking around with underdeveloped brains. Your brain will continue to change throughout your entire life. It doesn't reach more magical point of development. Executive functioning for example peaks in the 20s. A late teen will have more executive functioning skills (even if not yet fully developed) than a 40 year old. A 40 yr old will hopefully have more experience and better application. Studies have shown that teens as young as 14 have pretty much the same decisions making ability as those in their 20s and 30s - just not the life experience to always apply it well. It is however not a lack of rain development that has someone rendered them unable to make decisions. Normally developed brain + raised to be independent and responsible + life experience = well adjusted, competent youth. There are people who make irresponsible and impulsive and poor decisions at every age and stage in life. Read the news or visit a jail - it is not somethings specific to teens. Look at the PP above - her son did something stupid - and dealt with the consequence of not having a car and hasn't done the same thing since. It wasn't that his brain suddenly went through a massive development, it was a lesson learned through life experience. Teens can be incredibly responsible, creative, innovative and make a big impact on the world around them. IMO Should OP bail out her son (at no cost to him) - no. She could pay and also at the same time negotiate the terms of her payment and how what consequences there will be, how ultimately he will be responsible for it and there is a high cost to him. |
Anonymous
| Teen brains are different. Ages 15-25 can be challenging for many. Not coincidentally, that's the largest age group in jail. |