What age will you consider your kids "grown up" and no longer bail them out?

[Anonymous]

I used to think going to college was the magic cut off. now that I see my nieces and nephews just starting out in college and really how young and scared they can be and making poor decisions quite often as they are finding their way, I would say up until my child graduates from college and lands their first "real" job. Before that I would help them out of a situation like the OP described.

[Anonymous]

OP, we were in a similar situation with our oldest. He was sophomore in college when he got in trouble. He's a senior now.

Our story - I got a frantic phone call from my son from jail. He was driving back to school after being home for a few weeks over the summer.
(1) going 85 miles an hour in a 55 zone
(2) with a suspended license - It was suspended because he failed to pay a minor traffic violation a year prior. He claims he "didn't know" it had been suspended.
(3) No registration on his car - He claims he "forgot" to do the paperwork after he bought the car.
(4) He was in Tifton County, Georgia. That won't mean anything to you unless you are from the south.

Our logic - This was a series of really bad decisions. We felt like at 20, he should have known better. But, he was in JAIL! I was terrified. And they would not release him unless he paid $1600 because he was from out-of-state. As a college kid, he didn't have nearly enough money and the judge just didn't really care. We didn't want to rush to bail him out because we didn't want the pattern to continue.

Here's what we did - We told him we would pay the fines and get him out of jail if he agreed to sell his car to pay us back. It was a painful lesson. But one that stuck. He's never done anything like that again.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that the brain hasn't fully developed at age 20, and so for that reason alone, I would not be ready to write an adult child off at that age.

I would not wait until the summer to begin pay-back though. He would have to get a job now, and if you give him money each week/month, I would reduce that amount a smidge, with that extra $20 or whatever going towards paying you back.

[Anonymous]

75, but maybe I will sing a different tune if my son changes.

I do think 20 is way too young to let his life get ruined because you won't float him $1,500. Not forgivable.

[Anonymous]

I am a criminal defense attorney and I post every so often. Please, bail your adult children out forever. I need to pay my mortgage! I am only half kidding. If it was a matter of paying money to make something go away, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. I am the queen of accountability, but I would go a long way for a long time to help avoid a criminal conviction. The hard part is then holding your child accountable for it. Making them pay you back and limiting the amount of "service" you give them. I see families struggle with this quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not care the circumstances, I would not bail him out. Be honest, you are paying for his college, his car, his food, the clothes on his back, and the condoms he fucks his girlfriend with, while probably not even working. The least he could do is stay away from any legal troubles. I would not bail him out.

I respectfully believe this is short sighted. They've probably "invested" hundreds of thousands into this child already. He's at a critical point in his life and has stumbled. If they don't provide him need now height make a bad turn from which it will be very difficult to reverse. If I were OP I'd double down. I would be there to "bail him out" for several more years and of course couple that with counseling and even closer involvement and engagement. Takes some boys til there close to 30. Some even need to really hit bottom and go to rehab etc. thankfully the tough cases in my extended family have turned out well, but OP this could be the tip of an iceberg of hell and you and husband need to remember this is you flesh and blood and with tons of love he will repay you later in spades. At least that's based on my own observation with some family.

Sorry, but it is thinking like this that keeps men "boys" until they are 30. Your adult child will never be responsible if you constantly take responsibility for him and his mistakes.

Personally, I would not bail the kid out...as in, I would not accept responsibility. If he came to me in a one-time legal crisis and asked for a loan of money, one time, I would consider coming up with a plan to help him identify where he went wrong, how he was going to change to make sure he never repeated the mistake, and if I thought he took it seriously enough, I would set up a short-term repayment plan. That might mean major sacrifices on his part, like even postponing a semester at school so that he feels an immediate and real consequence.


For the most part, the OP sounds like she's on a similar path, which is great. I'd only be concerned that the results of my adult child's impulsivity seem to be escalating rather than the opposite with maturity. I think her requirement for mandatory counseling is a good one.

[Anonymous]

My kid's 4 and I don't bail him out. By which I mean, i have made the choice now not to view his mistakes as my problem. I am here for him to offer advice, support, coaching, sounding board, resources, etc., but ultimately I try to let him take the lead with problem solving. I am hyper aware of this, because I watched as my (now 26) stepson went through late childhood/adolesence/early adulthood and his mom bailed him out every time. It wasn't until he was convicted on some drug charges and she COULDN'T bail him out that he finally started to turn around. I won't let that happen to my son.

[Anonymous]

For the scenario OP describes, never. DH and I were both raised with the belief that you help family, including grown children. In the absence of violence or addiction I would continue to help.

[Anonymous]

The reality is that the brain hasn't fully developed at age 20, and so for that reason alone, I would not be ready to write an adult child off at that age.

As the mother of five children, three of them over the age of 19, I respectfully disagree. I know what the science says. But I don't think a brain needs to be "fully developed" to understand the consequences of bad behavior.

Not too many years ago a 20 year old was actually considered an adult.

[Anonymous]

00:25 Please report back in 20 years. We all think we know how we are going to handle the teen years and early adulthood. You can't know until you are there.

[Anonymous]

7:59 Brain development is not so much about understanding the consequences, but the risk analysis that the undeveloped adolescent mind applies. Teens and young adults think they're exempt from getting caught, etc.. They engage in magical thinking ... They know what will happen if they get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the insightful and thought out comments. We agreed to help him out but put several stipulations including requiring him to start seeing a therapist regularly while away at school. He has slight learning disability and depressive tendacies and sees psychologist while home, but just calls psychiatrist for med mgmt while away. He's a student athlete on full ride scholarship, so that sport is his job during school, but his ass is mine this summer, earning every penny back. There goes rest and relaxation. I'm not sure what hubby would have done by "writing him off". I think sometimes hubby makes these absolute statements knowing ill come back as voice of reason and come up with a plan. It's shitty, but that's how it goes and is what I chose so whatever. Ds seems very remorseful. It was a misdemeanor and scared him to death. He has trouble with impulse control and thrill seeking, but until now, its always been silly things like pranks or jokes gone a notch too far. Apologies, extra classes, and a lot of stress to dad and I has always taken care of his problems before, but this is the first time hes really needed us to be involved to this extent. I hope he is being truthful. I couldn't bring myself to say it is a one-strike you are out deal, though, because I hats when I cant stick to my word. Inside though, ive taken that comment to heart. Thank you all again.

I am speaking from experience--I got into legal trouble in HS. Really wrong place, wrong time -- it looked far far, worse than it was. I still think it was a set up to protect someone else. Very traumatic for a young person. Parents paid to fix the record/represent in court. Never had trouble again and it has been 30 years! Have faith in your son!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid's 4 and I don't bail him out. By which I mean, i have made the choice now not to view his mistakes as my problem. I am here for him to offer advice, support, coaching, sounding board, resources, etc., but ultimately I try to let him take the lead with problem solving. I am hyper aware of this, because I watched as my (now 26) stepson went through late childhood/adolesence/early adulthood and his mom bailed him out every time. It wasn't until he was convicted on some drug charges and she COULDN'T bail him out that he finally started to turn around. I won't let that happen to my son.

And that would be two extremes. As usual, the answer is more likely somewhere in the middle (as it sounds OP is doing).

[Anonymous]

9:38 Also, this is second hand, we don't have the mother's version. She may have been working with therapists, etc.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I know of a mother who kicked out her druggy son in the name of tough love and he ended up overdosing. She wishes she'd given him more time before she resorted to tough love. These are tough choices.