What age will you consider your kids "grown up" and no longer bail them out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen brains are different. Ages 15-25 can be challenging for many. Not coincidentally, that's the largest age group in jail.

Their brains are different in that it is harder for them to apply what they know. A lot of that has to do with how they have been taught and raised, and the life experiences they have had to date. All ages of life can be challenging - the angst of the teen years is not about having a brain that isn't sufficiently developed for the expectations of their age. Your stats are a little off.

The average age of inmates is 39. http://www.bop.gov/news/quick.jsp

Age group / % of prison population. Taken from: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/p11.pdf
18–19 1.5%
20–24 12.4%
25–29 16.4%
30–34 16.6%
35–39 13.8%
40–44 12.6%
45–49 11.1%
50–54 7.7 %
55–59 4.1%
60–64 2.1%
65 or older 1.7%

In 2010 there were about 70,000 juveniles who were incarcerated. Rather than this being a brain development issue, stats tell us that life is playing a hefty role:
Office of Juvenile Justice and Deliquency Prevention and U.S. Department of Justice...
70% of youth in custody reported that they had “had something very bad or terrifying” happen to them in their lives.
67% reported having seen someone severely injured or killed; 26% of those surveyed said felt as if “life was not worth living,"
22% reported having tried to commit suicide at some point in their lives;
84% of the youth surveyed said they had used marijuana, compared to a rate of 30% among their peers in the general population;
30% reported having used crack or cocaine, compared with only 6% in the general population.
63% of girls reported having problems with anger, whereas 47% of boys did;
49% of girls reported having hallucinatory experiences, whereas only 16% of boys did;
37% of girls reported having suicidal thoughts and feelings, whereas only 18% of boys did.

ACHA report: http://www.acha-ncha.org/docs/ACHA-NCHA-II_ReferenceGroup_ExecutiveSummary_Spring2012.pdf
20% of college students have never drank alcohol, 34% haven't had a drink in the last month
68.5% have never smoked a cigarette and 85% haven't smoked in the last month
63% have never used marijuana, and 83% haven't used in the last month
29% have not had a sexual partner in the last 12 months, 27% have never had oral sex, 30% have never had PIV sex, and 76% have never had anal sex.

Basically there are many, means teens and young adults out there who have impulse control, who make good decisions, who are able to take responsibility, to control themselves. This is not a universal underdeveloped brain issue.

[Anonymous]

My theory is let the kids make the small mistakes to learn consequences. DD is 10, and nothing she does will have lifelong impact.

OTOH, if there was something serious (e.g. long term impact), such as legal issues, I would do everything in my power to assist my DD.

Let her learn the consequences from things that seem like a big deal to her now, but really are not. (a missed homework assignment in the fifth grade may hurt her grade for the term, but will not keep her out of college).

[Anonymous]

The average age of a prison population is a misleading statistic. Crime peaked in 1994 and the population is aging. People are most likely to be arrested between ages 15-25. That stat stays pretty constant.

Of course there are other factors other than brain development involved. Nothing is ever so straightforward. And nobody is saying kids can't make good decisions per se. But you need to be aware as a parent that this is statistically a difficult time for humans. Boys/men especially. OP's kid may get arrested. Others get in car accidents, drive drunk,try drugs, get STDs, get pregnant, get in debt, fail school, cheat, etc. it's a rough age and parents shouldn't hide their heads in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The average age of a prison population is a misleading statistic. Crime peaked in 1994 and the population is aging. People are most likely to be arrested between ages 15-25. That stat stays pretty constant.

Of course there are other factors other than brain development involved. Nothing is ever so straightforward. And nobody is saying kids can't make good decisions per se. But you need to be aware as a parent that this is statistically a difficult time for humans. Boys/men especially. OP's kid may get arrested. Others get in car accidents, drive drunk,try drugs, get STDs, get pregnant, get in debt, fail school, cheat, etc. it's a rough age and parents shouldn't hide their heads in the sand.

It really comes down to how good of a job as parents you have done preparing your children to be adults. the problem is now that parents treat teens like children and then wonder why young adults can cope with the basic expectations of being a young adults. It is a time of increasing independence however if teens have had lots of responsibility and independence built into their lives, with consequences that have impacted them and life experiences that have taught them the importance of how they act, most will actually get through those years without being arrested or any other horrible things happening. Having taught high school I can pretty much tell you which kids are the ones that are going to get in trouble - they either don't have parents involved or they have parents who will swing in and rescue them so they can avoid consequences. Parents who say - it isn't his fault, his brain isn't sufficiently developed to be able to do the right thing, poor Johnny, he is really a victim in this, he meant well, he just got carried away.

[Anonymous]

If it can be taken care of with $1000-1500, make him take care of it on his own. His mistake, his problem. If he doesn't have the money, he needs to earn it.

We may help kids (as kids and as young adults) figure out solutions but we don't do it for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average age of a prison population is a misleading statistic. Crime peaked in 1994 and the population is aging. People are most likely to be arrested between ages 15-25. That stat stays pretty constant.

Of course there are other factors other than brain development involved. Nothing is ever so straightforward. And nobody is saying kids can't make good decisions per se. But you need to be aware as a parent that this is statistically a difficult time for humans. Boys/men especially. OP's kid may get arrested. Others get in car accidents, drive drunk,try drugs, get STDs, get pregnant, get in debt, fail school, cheat, etc. it's a rough age and parents shouldn't hide their heads in the sand.

It really comes down to how good of a job as parents you have done preparing your children to be adults. the problem is now that parents treat teens like children and then wonder why young adults can cope with the basic expectations of being a young adults. It is a time of increasing independence however if teens have had lots of responsibility and independence built into their lives, with consequences that have impacted them and life experiences that have taught them the importance of how they act, most will actually get through those years without being arrested or any other horrible things happening. Having taught high school I can pretty much tell you which kids are the ones that are going to get in trouble - they either don't have parents involved or they have parents who will swing in and rescue them so they can avoid consequences. Parents who say - it isn't his fault, his brain isn't sufficiently developed to be able to do the right thing, poor Johnny, he is really a victim in this, he meant well, he just got carried away.

Nobody said it isn't the kid's fault. Explanation is not an excuse. In order to be the best parent possible, we need to understand all aspects of our children's behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it can be taken care of with $1000-1500, make him take care of it on his own. His mistake, his problem. If he doesn't have the money, he needs to earn it.

We may help kids (as kids and as young adults) figure out solutions but we don't do it for them.

I agree with this. My DH got in some serious legal trouble at 18 and had to pay his own legal bills, and to this day that made quite an impression on him as the fees and the consequences were significant. His parents did not pay - he got a credit card and paid it off while working at a job. He says it is one of the great lessons of his life (that he wish he didn't have to learn.)