What age will you consider your kids "grown up" and no longer bail them out?

[Anonymous]

OP,

What does write him off mean? Cut him out? Not clear.

Also, I understand why you wouldn't want to disclose the nature of the legal matter, but it does depend. Drunk driving is one thing. Disturbing the peace by hosting a loud party another.

My son is 16. At this stage, my thinking is case by case, and of course it would depend on the infraction. I am a big believer in second chances, too. That's not soft. Remember, the brain doesn't mature until age 25.

[Anonymous]

OP - how often does your son get in trouble? This would be a major factor me.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to legal matters I would be inclined to "bail him" at least once. Legal issues/records can stay with you forever -- long after the son has straightened out his life. Might cost him (and you, in heartache) way more that $1500.

[Anonymous]

If the legal issue can be wiped away for money, I am assuming it is a civil vs. criminal matter? Or is it something that could be criminal but can be resolved via restitution etc.? I would consider bailing my child out, but I would definitely expect repayment (as you say you do). If the repayment didn't happen, I would cut off further financial support.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever had to face consequences? Is he remorseful? Genuinely? Do you. Think it was a wake up call and he will try to do better? Or is he just desperate to get out of the current jam?

I used to work in Baltimore City jails when I was in my early 20s with no real life experience. What I learned was that "anyone" from any walk of life can end up in legal trouble. But there was a big difference in mentality between those one-timers who were scared shitless and those who were repeated offenders and/or didn't think too much of it.

I'd likely bail him out either way at such a young age, but impose the types of requirements you are thinking about. I'd also try to figure out what may have prompted his behavior. Is it stemming from depression, anxiety, possible substance use/abuse, anger management, failed love? Try to address any underlying issue as well. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think its very useful to consult a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. I have had very different crises with my kids and have found that professional advice is incredibly helpful. There's no way that strangers on the internet can know the situation well enough to give advice that matters. Talking it through with someone who can both learn the situation and have experience with kids like your DS would be the best approach. Go with your DH. It might help resolve your conflict.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is in agreement. Yes, bail him out, but be clear that it is once and that you must be paid back. This is the once.

[Anonymous]

I do not care the circumstances, I would not bail him out. Be honest, you are paying for his college, his car, his food, the clothes on his back, and the condoms he fucks his girlfriend with, while probably not even working. The least he could do is stay away from any legal troubles. I would not bail him out.

[Anonymous]

I was 18, as were my siblings. I never went back and asked for them to bail me out, but I did ask for advice. At 26 I am successful, financially stable and comfortablex and able to take on what the world throws at me. I think they were correct.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the insightful and thought out comments. We agreed to help him out but put several stipulations including requiring him to start seeing a therapist regularly while away at school. He has slight learning disability and depressive tendacies and sees psychologist while home, but just calls psychiatrist for med mgmt while away. He's a student athlete on full ride scholarship, so that sport is his job during school, but his ass is mine this summer, earning every penny back. There goes rest and relaxation. I'm not sure what hubby would have done by "writing him off". I think sometimes hubby makes these absolute statements knowing ill come back as voice of reason and come up with a plan. It's shitty, but that's how it goes and is what I chose so whatever. Ds seems very remorseful. It was a misdemeanor and scared him to death. He has trouble with impulse control and thrill seeking, but until now, its always been silly things like pranks or jokes gone a notch too far. Apologies, extra classes, and a lot of stress to dad and I has always taken care of his problems before, but this is the first time hes really needed us to be involved to this extent. I hope he is being truthful. I couldn't bring myself to say it is a one-strike you are out deal, though, because I hats when I cant stick to my word. Inside though, ive taken that comment to heart. Thank you all again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not care the circumstances, I would not bail him out. Be honest, you are paying for his college, his car, his food, the clothes on his back, and the condoms he fucks his girlfriend with, while probably not even working. The least he could do is stay away from any legal troubles. I would not bail him out.

I respectfully believe this is short sighted. They've probably "invested" hundreds of thousands into this child already. He's at a critical point in his life and has stumbled. If they don't provide him need now height make a bad turn from which it will be very difficult to reverse. If I were OP I'd double down. I would be there to "bail him out" for several more years and of course couple that with counseling and even closer involvement and engagement. Takes some boys til there close to 30. Some even need to really hit bottom and go to rehab etc. thankfully the tough cases in my extended family have turned out well, but OP this could be the tip of an iceberg of hell and you and husband need to remember this is you flesh and blood and with tons of love he will repay you later in spades. At least that's based on my own observation with some family.

[Anonymous]

I would add, I would imagine what it would feel like to get the call that he is dead, or walk in on him overdosed and dead in his room on summer break. How would you feel? Could you get over it? Maybe some can. I would want to know I have him everything I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would add, I would imagine what it would feel like to get the call that he is dead, or walk in on him overdosed and dead in his room on summer break. How would you feel? Could you get over it? Maybe some can. I would want to know I have him everything I could.

Op here and I wanted to comment again. This has gone thru my mind, but didn't play a part in this decision. But I do wonder if this is what goes thru the mind of the parents bailing out their 40 year old children? This is exactly why I wondered if there is an age where it all must stop. I guess a parent of a 2, 20 or 40 year old is still just a parent.

[Anonymous]

Former jail employee again. Not sure what he did but the courts in the jurisdiction might have some diversion programs that include classes, counseling, and community service work in exchange for not prosecuting. If its a good program, it might be really helpful to him for the long run. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Not aware that parenting stops at a magic age...I will always help my kids, as my parents have always helped me...no one is perfect and a good person does not leave the lost sheep, rather finds the lost sheep and brings him home(in heart). It's called love, its called grace. Something parents should always have and offer unconditionally.