Do you invite MIL to shower?

[Anonymous]

I cannot even imagine the shitstorm that would ensue if this happened in my family. I'd cancel the whole damn thing before I let myself in for the years of hurt and snark that would follow. Because, OP, it will always be your fault. General consensus is that mothers are consulted for shower invite lists, so it will appear to be an intentional slight. And you won't have DH at your back.

You really don't want to stay on this course.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 13:11. If my mother demanded to throw a shower without MIL, which of course OP's mother hasn't done, we just don't know, I would tell my mother I can't have the shower then.

Are you for sale, OP? Your family pays for the shower and they get to make all the shots?

[Anonymous]

Um, will adding two more guests to the party break the bank? Of course not! Unless the hosts are giving away brand new cars as party favors, I don't even see how price is an issue. This is family!! And they may not attend but still send a gift: win-win!! OP needs to grow a spine and speak with her own mother about inviting two in-laws. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

You don't have to DEMAND. But this is your MOTHER not some stranger. Give her your MIL and SIL's addresses and politely ask that they be included since this baby is related to them too. It is in NO WAY unreasonable or impolite of you to ask that they be included. Frankly, it's pretty inconsiderate (or absent-minded) of your mother not to think that the other FIRST TIME grandmother might want to attend. Are your mom or SIL not on good terms with your in laws? Is your family exceedingly formal that you cannot ask? I ask these things not to be cheeky but because this just does not seem like an unreasonable request AT ALL. It's two people. One of whom is the kid's grandmother and who your mother will presumably be sharing MANY occasions with because of said child. Muster up your courage and do the right thing. (BTW, if I were the MIL, I would be very hurt if I learned it happened and was NOT invited--I would think YOU didn't want me there. Don't ruin your great relationship with them.)

For my baby shower across the country, my MIL and SIL were invited but didn't come. For my baby shower here my mom (who lives across the country) was invited and came. I just hosted a shower and invited about 10 people from the west coast including the mom to be's family. This is standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

Why did you ask and waste everyones time when you don't care what anyone says??

OP here. Sorry if you think this wasted your time. I'm just trying to explain my reasoning. I hear everyone saying I have to invite them, but I'm not the host. I wasn't asked for my input to the guest list. I understand a lot of you think I'm a horrible person, but I'm also not paying for the party. Thanks.

I think we all got that from your original post. You listed all of your excuses and we got the gist totally. If you think because you are not the host, then you CANNOT do anything here and SHOULD NOT, then that's your answer, go to it, and why ask us! You sound slow and clueless to me, and like this is just the start of your nightmare. Man, get ready for it, if you can't even see or navigate this.

Actually you sound like YOU do not want them there. That's cool. Feel free. Just be honest with yourself and be prepared to deal with the consequences. Man, the ILs got the raw deal in having you as the mother of their grandchild, nephew. You suck.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier. And have a new comment: NOT inviting your MIL is almost guaranteed to generate ill-will. Giving your mother the benefit of the doubt as a caring, loving woman she will be open to inviting them *because it will make life better for you*, the child she supposedly loves. And while you certainly can't force them to invite your ILs, to not at least ask is just sad.

Consider this the first time you need to (wo)man-up and do something uncomfortable because it is in the best interests of your child. Because you're not the only one who will suffer from family resentment - that unborn baby you are carrying will get caught in the middle too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother and SIL are in the wrong, both for throwing a shower in the first place and for not asking you who you wanted to be invited.

If you don't feel like you can ask them to include some members of your husband's family then there is something bigger going on here and you have my sympathy. But if you don't, gently, nip in it the bud now not it will get bigger and bigger after the baby comes.

It HAS to be this. Is there some issue between you and your mom OP? Because you have 100% agreement (seriously, a DCUM first) that it is in no way rude to ask your mom to include your MIL in this shared joy and in fact, that you should have been consulted and MILs are always invited. If you have a great relationship with your in laws I suggest you try to preserve it. This can impact a lifetime of interactions over this child. SERIOUSLY, start off on the best foot possible.

[Anonymous]

There must be more to the story here. Do your parents come from a culture where families celebrate these milestones separately?

I'm begging you, OP. Please speak with your mother. Don't demand, speak. She's your mother. You're close. She won't be offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Sure it's not proper etiquette to add guests to the guest list but it's your mom and your SIL throwing it, not just friends."

Also not proper etiquette for family members to host wedding/baby showers.[/quote]

+1 the etiquette train a long time ago with this whole situation so you might want to stick with the right thing to do- i.e. invite your MIL and SIl who are now your FAMILY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

Why did you ask and waste everyones time when you don't care what anyone says??

OP here. Sorry if you think this wasted your time. I'm just trying to explain my reasoning. I hear everyone saying I have to invite them, but I'm not the host. I wasn't asked for my input to the guest list. I understand a lot of you think I'm a horrible person, but I'm also not paying for the party. Thanks.

I think we all got that from your original post. You listed all of your excuses and we got the gist totally. If you think because you are not the host, then you CANNOT do anything here and SHOULD NOT, then that's your answer, go to it, and why ask us! You sound slow and clueless to me, and like this is just the start of your nightmare. Man, get ready for it, if you can't even see or navigate this.

Actually you sound like YOU do not want them there. That's cool. Feel free. Just be honest with yourself and be prepared to deal with the consequences. Man, the ILs got the raw deal in having you as the mother of their grandchild, nephew. You suck.

+1

I really took it as her needing advice from the original post, but now i see she was just hoping for some back up and refuses to get a clue

[Anonymous]

"Hey mom, I'm just confirming that you sent an invitation to Dave's mom. I'd imagine her feelings will be pretty hurt if she's not invited to the shower for her first grandchild. Oh, and we should probably include his sister too. Thanks mom, I appreciate you doing all of this for me."

Is it that hard?

[Anonymous]

WOW OP - You 100% need to invite them unless your husband is estranged from them. They ARE your family....shame of you for not thinking to mention it to your mom in the first place. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, I beg of you to think about it this way. Pretend that your best friend was throwing you a baby shower - the exact one that's being planned right now, but instead of your mother and sister planning it, it was your best friend. And she invited your MIL but omitted your mother and sister....to their first grandchild's/niece or nephew's shower. And you were all excited about the shower. Would you be concerned about leaving your mother and sister out?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you could explain why you aren't comfortable having that conversation with your mom? Are the two of you estranged? Is your MIL of a color/culture/religion that your mother hates? Why are you so afraid of what to most people would be a no-brainer - asking your mom about inviting your MIL.

[Anonymous]

i dont know if this is strange or not but I find it very easy to talk to my mother about any and everything
she would NEVER be offended if i asked to invite my husbands mother and sister to something that they should be involved in...maybe they are so wrapped up in planning the shower it slipped their mind
I also know they would never want to offend or hurt my husband or marriage in any way and would in no way take offense to such a small request
YOU are making a big deal out of something small
do you have a really distant awkward relationship with your own mother??