Do you invite MIL to shower?

[Anonymous]

My family and DH's family threw my baby shower jointly (they are both local) so I didn't have this issue but for my bridal shower, each side threw a separate affair. However, the mothers and sisters on the opposite were invited to both showers and, of course, attended. I think you need to at least bring it up to your mom or sister--it could be that they just didn't think about it and would gladly invite your MIL/SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

Unfortunately, while you get along great with them now, if you don't do something about this, you will start down the path to not having so great a relationship with them. As you've pointed out, this is the first grandchild on both sides. Your MIL is just as invested in this first child of the next generation as your mother is. While you may be able to understand her justification of such an egregious breach of etiquette and manners, your MIL probably will not and will feel that YOU were the one that prevented her from celebrating her first grandchild's welcome to the world. It is very strange when the parents of the child (e.g. you and your husband) are not consulted on the guest list. This is much like not consulting a bride and groom on who to invite to a wedding shower or wedding. Anyone excluded will automatically assume that you set the guest list and excluded those people you didn't want. You will be the one bearing the brunt of hurt feelings, in some cases, for years to come. If you are willing to accept that and have to make amends to those people you hurt, then go ahead, continue to be complacent and accept your mother's breach of etiquette. If you are not, then you need to speak up before those invitations go out. Otherwise, you are at fault for letting this happen.

[Anonymous]

I kinda don't think OP deserves the good results that come with following the advice here. Plus, even if she does with this, she clearly is going to f*ck up navigating the 1000000000 of things like this that will occur non-stop once the baby comes.

OP, do as you have planned and what you are convinced is right and appropriate. It's what you deserve and who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kinda don't think OP deserves the good results that come with following the advice here. Plus, even if she does with this, she clearly is going to f*ck up navigating the 1000000000 of things like this that will occur non-stop once the baby comes.

OP, do as you have planned and what you are convinced is right and appropriate. It's what you deserve and who you are.

I kind of agree, but as the mother of a son and the sister to a brother, I just feel so sad for the MIL and SIL involved. And OP's husband! Who just wants to celebrate the birth of his first child with his mom and sister.

[Anonymous]

No, usually she just jumps right in with me.

Wait - it seems as if you're discussing something different. Never mind.

[Anonymous]

Grandmas to be are usually the first people on the invite list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kinda don't think OP deserves the good results that come with following the advice here. Plus, even if she does with this, she clearly is going to f*ck up navigating the 1000000000 of things like this that will occur non-stop once the baby comes.

OP, do as you have planned and what you are convinced is right and appropriate. It's what you deserve and who you are.

I kind of agree, but as the mother of a son and the sister to a brother, I just feel so sad for the MIL and SIL involved. And OP's husband! Who just wants to celebrate the birth of his first child with his mom and sister.

I completely agree. I can't believe someone can be this selfish.

[Anonymous]

Oh relax everyone. We don't have all the details. Could be due to sheer size. My Dh is #11 out of 12 children, with 43 neices and nephews (until December, when it will be 44), its alot to ask of any hostess.

That said, I'm in favor of winning points with inlaws whenever possible. When practical, we invite them all over and just make it a cozy party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

Why did you ask and waste everyones time when you don't care what anyone says??

OP here. Sorry if you think this wasted your time. I'm just trying to explain my reasoning. I hear everyone saying I have to invite them, but I'm not the host. I wasn't asked for my input to the guest list. I understand a lot of you think I'm a horrible person, but I'm also not paying for the party. Thanks.

I think we all got that from your original post. You listed all of your excuses and we got the gist totally. If you think because you are not the host, then you CANNOT do anything here and SHOULD NOT, then that's your answer, go to it, and why ask us! You sound slow and clueless to me, and like this is just the start of your nightmare. Man, get ready for it, if you can't even see or navigate this.

Actually you sound like YOU do not want them there. That's cool. Feel free. Just be honest with yourself and be prepared to deal with the consequences. Man, the ILs got the raw deal in having you as the mother of their grandchild, nephew. You suck.

This is exactly right - OP is hanging on this 'I'm not paying, it's not my place" horseshit because, for some undisclosed reason, she doesn't want her inlaws there. And +1 for the "you suck."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother's wife and my mom are throwing me a shower. She said last night the guest list is done and the invitations can go out after I make a registry. I told DH we need to register, and he asked if I provided his mother's and sisters' addresses. I said no, my family didn't ask for them. They didn't ask for my friends' addresses either. I figure they want to keep it to my side of the family. After all, it's being held at my cousin's house 2 hours away.

DH was livid, demanded that I call her back and insist we invite his mom and sisters. I said no way, we should be grateful and let them throw the shower they want and invite who they want. They're paying for it. Then he said he would reimburse them the cost to invite his family. (which is us paying for them)

Now I'm not sure what to do. I feel strongly that we should butt out and be grateful; he feels strongly that his family should come. Help?

I think it's incredibly rude not to invite your DH's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh relax everyone. We don't have all the details. Could be due to sheer size. My Dh is #11 out of 12 children, with 43 neices and nephews (until December, when it will be 44), its alot to ask of any hostess.

That said, I'm in favor of winning points with inlaws whenever possible. When practical, we invite them all over and just make it a cozy party.

Unless he has 12 mothers, I'm not sure this is relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the responses. I am very grateful to my mom and SIL for throwing this shower for me. I'm uncomfortable demanding they invite the in laws when apparently they don't want to. I feel like my place is to show up, open presents, and thank everyone profusely. No?

and yes, this is everyone's first grandchild and nephew on both sides.

I get along great with the in laws, no issue there. It's been suggested I owe DH an apology but I don't feel like I did anything wrong, except get caught between families. Thx again.

Did you even ask your mom???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh relax everyone. We don't have all the details. Could be due to sheer size. My Dh is #11 out of 12 children, with 43 neices and nephews (until December, when it will be 44), its alot to ask of any hostess.

That said, I'm in favor of winning points with inlaws whenever possible. When practical, we invite them all over and just make it a cozy party.

Unless he has 12 mothers, I'm not sure this is relevant.

Exactly. His mom should be invited, period. There is no my side vs your side of the family when a child is involved. There shouldn't be, anyway. This kid is in for a lifetime of mom's family vs dad's family that will always split the family in half. Her husband is absolutely right to be fuming.

[Anonymous]

And just because no one else has said it, you owe your husband an apology because you have an obligation to stand up for him and facilitate the relationship b/w your unborn child and your DH's family. You're failing to meet that obligation, and then playing dumb about it. Part of marriage is putting your spouse's needs at least equal to your own, and inviting his mom and sister is something he shouldn't even have to ask for.

[Anonymous]

If you have an ounce of sense you would realize just how ridiculous it is to even consider not inviting your MIL to the shower. I really hope this is a fake post. You and your mother should be ashamed of yourselves for not including the MIL in the first place.

Think about it this way: how would you feel if your MIL threw the shower and didn't want to invite your mother??? Now try to understand that's how your dh feels right now. To be blunt: your dh probably thinks both you and your mother are heartless. Is that how you want your husband to think about you?