I'm in the Top 10% but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it

[Anonymous]

Pregnant PP here. I will say two things about timing the second child and your situation. First, frugality has gone out the window for the past few weeks. I end up buying a lot of food at work to stave off nausea, fatigue, and food aversions to the healthy lunch and snacks I packed. Second, it has put us behind in our plan to move. I can't prudently apply for jobs out of the area if it means and giving up the maternity leave I've earned here. Also, there are steps I could be taking now to be a more attractive candidate, but I've just been too damn tired.

Sweating the small stuff has been worth it if it means we can have housecleaners twice a month. That is a luxury that is worth cutting cable and not eating out so much and buying my daughter's winter coat on ebay.

[Anonymous]

I was a financial planner years ago, maybe you should consult one on a fixed fee basis or hourly charge. I'd look at your check register, payroll stubs, and credit cards to figure out where your money is going and focus on the big reoccurring charges.

Cable TV saves about $1,200 a year (get a $30 leaf style antenna instead), getting cheap basic prepaid cell phone service like you can get from AAA or the AARP saves about $1,200 to $1,500 a year. Sharing a car and relying on Zipcar saves about $1,000 on insurance, $2,000 in gas, $1,000 in maintenance, and $3K to 4K in car payments. Restaurant and pre-prepared meals were often a shockingly high amount, usually between $3K to $10K. Packing a sandwich and fruit for lunch saves a ton of money.

[Anonymous]

200k is the new 100k

[Anonymous]

DH and I are from the South. I will preface this by saying I KNOW if we still lived in the South we wouldn't have the HHI we do here (about $115k). But sometimes I allow myself to think of what life would be like if we DID still live there with this HHI and it makes me feel sick. Our rent here is $1760 for a 2 bedroom apartment- that rent would get us a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2 car garage where we're from. (In fact, we own a home where we're from and the entire mortgage on it is $760/month.) We got the oil changed in both cars 2 weeks ago to the tune of about $50 each. Went back to our home state last week for a visit and saw a million oil change places offering the same thing for $19.99. It makes you feel like a fucking CHUMP when you realize how far your money could go elsewhere... if only the money would actually FOLLOW you elsewhere, which it most likely won't.

It's just nuts to me that $115,000 is seen as *really* good money in many parts of the country, but here in Loudoun County (wealthiest county in the US, yay), we feel... okay. A little squeezed, and certainly not living the lifestyle I'd have envisioned $115k getting someone when I was little.

[Anonymous]

13:53 here again. The above items are not easy, but you do save a ton of money doing them. You just have to make a concerted effort to change your lifestyle to do without some stuff you are used to until you can build up some savings.

Another trick is to extend your payment period for the maximum time period allowed for your student loans. The rates are usually low and a $1,000 a month payment can drop down as low as $350. That extra $650 per month can be a meaningful difference. Similarly, a more drastic and expensive measure upfront would be to refinance the mortgage, as it would reset the time period for another 30 years. I hate recommending this, but lowering your 401(k) to the available employer match might be another way to increase your cash flow. You have to weigh your happiness for a second child or a more comfortable retirement that may mean working longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HHI (gross) is $160K. Bills include mortgage, credit cards (run up thanks to repairs to our old piece of shit house we shouldn't have bought in the first damned place), aftercare at school for one child, car payment, student loans, insurance, cable, utilities, phone, food, gas, personal debt owed to parents (again b/c of said piece of shit old house). We contribute to our 401K's so we don't have to rely on the kid or the government in the future but we have no savings. We bought a house that would sell for 1/3 of what we paid for it in our hometown. We have no family here. We don't work in the government, which makes it more ludicrous that we are here in the first damned place. Kid now has issues that are requiring us to work with specialists that don't accept insurance and take a shit ton of time off work to shuttle kid back and forth between all of the above. We pulled kid from daycare and put him in free charter for PS b/c we want to give kid a sibling but can't afford a mortgage and two daycare payments. Now one of said specialists is saying there are too many kids in his classroom causing too much stimulation and contributing to problems. WTF is our choice? Put kid back in daycare and put off having kid #2 for two more years? (We are in our mid to late 30's, so the clock is ticking). Get a nanny we can't afford? Live on one income (can't afford)? Move (thereby delaying kid #2 anyway while my eggs and DH's sperm become even more fucking geriatric)?

Seriously, what the fuck are we doing wrong? How is it possible to be in the top 10% of all households in the US and still feel as though you are barely keeping your head above water and every day is one big stressor after another? I just give up. Seriously. I want to crawl into my bed and cry every day. I won't, because my kid deserves better, but holy fucking hell.

Obviously, your biggest problem is debt sucking up your disposable Income. You won't feel normal or well off until that is taken care of. I can't advise on the seond child thig; I'm of biased as a I am firmly in the "one and done" camp.

But what I can tell you is to look at things this way. Debt payments aside, you can afford to pay for the specialist's care, a house, a car, and luxuries like cable and aftercare. And probably some other daily luxuries or occasional treats that you dont mention. For many, many people, those things are out of reach. You are living pretty well, and would be ale to do better without the debt, as you know.

Once the debt is off your back, you will see how good you really have things. Cut what you have to to get it paid off. And imagine making half of what you do and how that would suck. That should get you out of bed in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HHI (gross) is $160K. Bills include mortgage, credit cards (run up thanks to repairs to our old piece of shit house we shouldn't have bought in the first damned place), aftercare at school for one child, car payment, student loans, insurance, cable, utilities, phone, food, gas, personal debt owed to parents (again b/c of said piece of shit old house). We contribute to our 401K's so we don't have to rely on the kid or the government in the future but we have no savings. We bought a house that would sell for 1/3 of what we paid for it in our hometown. We have no family here. We don't work in the government, which makes it more ludicrous that we are here in the first damned place. Kid now has issues that are requiring us to work with specialists that don't accept insurance and take a shit ton of time off work to shuttle kid back and forth between all of the above. We pulled kid from daycare and put him in free charter for PS b/c we want to give kid a sibling but can't afford a mortgage and two daycare payments. Now one of said specialists is saying there are too many kids in his classroom causing too much stimulation and contributing to problems. WTF is our choice? Put kid back in daycare and put off having kid #2 for two more years? (We are in our mid to late 30's, so the clock is ticking). Get a nanny we can't afford? Live on one income (can't afford)? Move (thereby delaying kid #2 anyway while my eggs and DH's sperm become even more fucking geriatric)?

Seriously, what the fuck are we doing wrong? How is it possible to be in the top 10% of all households in the US and still feel as though you are barely keeping your head above water and every day is one big stressor after another? I just give up. Seriously. I want to crawl into my bed and cry every day. I won't, because my kid deserves better, but holy fucking hell.

Obviously, your biggest problem is debt sucking up your disposable Income. You won't feel normal or well off until that is taken care of. I can't advise on the seond child thig; I'm of biased as a I am firmly in the "one and done" camp.

But what I can tell you is to look at things this way. Debt payments aside, you can afford to pay for the specialist's care, a house, a car, and luxuries like cable and aftercare. And probably some other daily luxuries or occasional treats that you dont mention. For many, many people, those things are out of reach. You are living pretty well, and would be ale to do better without the debt, as you know.

Once the debt is off your back, you will see how good you really have things. Cut what you have to to get it paid off. And imagine making half of what you do and how that would suck. That should get you out of bed in the morning.

Not OP but THANK YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HHI (gross) is $160K. Bills include mortgage, credit cards (run up thanks to repairs to our old piece of shit house we shouldn't have bought in the first damned place), aftercare at school for one child, car payment, student loans, insurance, cable, utilities, phone, food, gas, personal debt owed to parents (again b/c of said piece of shit old house). We contribute to our 401K's so we don't have to rely on the kid or the government in the future but we have no savings. We bought a house that would sell for 1/3 of what we paid for it in our hometown. We have no family here. We don't work in the government, which makes it more ludicrous that we are here in the first damned place. Kid now has issues that are requiring us to work with specialists that don't accept insurance and take a shit ton of time off work to shuttle kid back and forth between all of the above. We pulled kid from daycare and put him in free charter for PS b/c we want to give kid a sibling but can't afford a mortgage and two daycare payments. Now one of said specialists is saying there are too many kids in his classroom causing too much stimulation and contributing to problems. WTF is our choice? Put kid back in daycare and put off having kid #2 for two more years? (We are in our mid to late 30's, so the clock is ticking). Get a nanny we can't afford? Live on one income (can't afford)? Move (thereby delaying kid #2 anyway while my eggs and DH's sperm become even more fucking geriatric)?

Seriously, what the fuck are we doing wrong? How is it possible to be in the top 10% of all households in the US and still feel as though you are barely keeping your head above water and every day is one big stressor after another? I just give up. Seriously. I want to crawl into my bed and cry every day. I won't, because my kid deserves better, but holy fucking hell.

Obviously, your biggest problem is debt sucking up your disposable Income. You won't feel normal or well off until that is taken care of. I can't advise on the seond child thig; I'm of biased as a I am firmly in the "one and done" camp.

But what I can tell you is to look at things this way. Debt payments aside, you can afford to pay for the specialist's care, a house, a car, and luxuries like cable and aftercare. And probably some other daily luxuries or occasional treats that you dont mention. For many, many people, those things are out of reach. You are living pretty well, and would be ale to do better without the debt, as you know.

Once the debt is off your back, you will see how good you really have things. Cut what you have to to get it paid off. And imagine making half of what you do and how that would suck. That should get you out of bed in the morning.

Not OP but THANK YOU.

I am OP and thank you, I know. I just took a walk, grabbed some lunch, called my sister and I feel better. I know I am a bourgeois asshole and that life could be much worse.

Also decided to tell these "specialists" for the kid to eat shit. The more that I think about it, there is nothing wrong with my kid that not being 3.5 anymore won't fix.

[Anonymous]

Hey, we don't have cable and we didn't have internet until a short time ago. We did all internet related things at our offices and/or, in a pinch, the library. We still don't have cable. Partly by living this way, we have paid off all student loans, have a huge emergency fund, are saving for retirement and child's college education, have paid for IF treatments out of pocket (which were unsuccessful), have paid for one adoption out of pocket and are currently in process of adopting #2 (both adoptions, international). Do not, NOT, tell me, "Cutting little things like cable doesn't make a difference." Other things we have done: lived with one car until we could afford to pay cash for a 2nd one; and rented out 2 extra bedrooms in our house. Yeah, we seriously did that too. If you want something, it is amazing what you can sacrifice to make sure you get it. Your problem (OP and some others) is that you are saying you want everything. Cannot have everything all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would counsel you to NOT have another child in the situation you are in. Really, listen to me now: another kid does NOT mean you will just double your expenses. The increased cost will be exponential. Few people will tell you this--they just want you to join in their misery. Don't do it. The cost of living in the DC area is insanely high in general, but the biggest factor here? Private school tuitions. NO OTHER AREA IN THE COUNTRY with the exception of the upper west and east sides of Manhattan has a more$$$ or insanely overvalued cadre of private schools. My theory is that racial politics drives this. NY and DC have high # minority population. People are crazily terrified of their kids going to school with too many AA's, asians or latinos (bizarre and unfounded imo)--so the private schools can just charge monopoly money for tuition and get it.

This prompted me to look up my and my sister's old private schools back in the Cleveland area just to check. I have to say that the cost for high school was roughly comparable to what we paid for my dd here. Of course, it may be that the lower grades were cheaper or that that there are cheaper schools in the Cleveland area. I don't know. But I was surprised to see they were so expensive after all. Of course, when it comes to racial politics and white anxiety, there's plenty of that going on in Cleveland as well.

Yeah, my private school in Boston is the same as the ones here. And I am sure it's the same for LA, San Fran, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, we don't have cable and we didn't have internet until a short time ago. We did all internet related things at our offices and/or, in a pinch, the library. We still don't have cable. Partly by living this way, we have paid off all student loans, have a huge emergency fund, are saving for retirement and child's college education, have paid for IF treatments out of pocket (which were unsuccessful), have paid for one adoption out of pocket and are currently in process of adopting #2 (both adoptions, international). Do not, NOT, tell me, "Cutting little things like cable doesn't make a difference." Other things we have done: lived with one car until we could afford to pay cash for a 2nd one; and rented out 2 extra bedrooms in our house. Yeah, we seriously did that too. If you want something, it is amazing what you can sacrifice to make sure you get it. Your problem (OP and some others) is that you are saying you want everything. Cannot have everything all the time.

Congratulations on saving so much!

I would feel iffy if I saved all of my internet related tasks for my work computer-- since that means I am using work time and resources to get personal tasks done and inputting personal information on my work computer. Once in a while--sure I have logged in from work to make sure that I paid a credit card, but on a regular basis? That seems extra galatic cheep to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, we don't have cable and we didn't have internet until a short time ago. We did all internet related things at our offices and/or, in a pinch, the library. We still don't have cable. Partly by living this way, we have paid off all student loans, have a huge emergency fund, are saving for retirement and child's college education, have paid for IF treatments out of pocket (which were unsuccessful), have paid for one adoption out of pocket and are currently in process of adopting #2 (both adoptions, international). Do not, NOT, tell me, "Cutting little things like cable doesn't make a difference." Other things we have done: lived with one car until we could afford to pay cash for a 2nd one; and rented out 2 extra bedrooms in our house. Yeah, we seriously did that too. If you want something, it is amazing what you can sacrifice to make sure you get it. Your problem (OP and some others) is that you are saying you want everything. Cannot have everything all the time.

Penny wise and pound foolish. SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Please do not take this the wrong way, but DO NOT have another child until you are financially comfortable to add another one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not take this the wrong way, but DO NOT have another child until you are financially comfortable to add another one.

And until you are emotionally stable. Zoloft isn't a good answer to financial strains. Is there more going on here, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, we don't have cable and we didn't have internet until a short time ago. We did all internet related things at our offices and/or, in a pinch, the library. We still don't have cable. Partly by living this way, we have paid off all student loans, have a huge emergency fund, are saving for retirement and child's college education, have paid for IF treatments out of pocket (which were unsuccessful), have paid for one adoption out of pocket and are currently in process of adopting #2 (both adoptions, international). Do not, NOT, tell me, "Cutting little things like cable doesn't make a difference." Other things we have done: lived with one car until we could afford to pay cash for a 2nd one; and rented out 2 extra bedrooms in our house. Yeah, we seriously did that too. If you want something, it is amazing what you can sacrifice to make sure you get it. Your problem (OP and some others) is that you are saying you want everything. Cannot have everything all the time.

Penny wise and pound foolish. SAHM?

Nope -- working.