Inadvertently invited someone to my son's BDAY party. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you owe your son a huge apology. And I hope you two have the kind of relationship where in a couple of years from now he'll be able to tease you about your screwup and you'll both be able to laugh about it.

You can't un-invite the boy. Here's what I'd do:

When he arrived I'd say hi to him, and let him know that I know he and DS haven't been friends, but hopefully this party can be the beginning of a fresh start. It's okay if this party doesn't lead to a lifelong best friendship, but maybe it can lead to co-existing peacefully in school and around town. (And I'd warn DS that I was going to do this.)

Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

After the party, maybe at bedtime or something, I'd talk with DS about how proud I was of him dealing with a curveball graciously, being a good host no matter what, and being the bigger person (even though I accidentally forced him to do it). Then I'd tell him he earned something he's been wanting - to go to the movies with a friend without a parent, to go mini-golfing, some special outing.

I think this is a great idea. The kid needs to know that you know about his "reputation". He doesn't need to know that he's being watched. It could all turn out fine, but it's your son's birthday party and he deserves to have a good time, especially since you were the one that screwed up. I'd make sure your son knows that you are so, so sorry and that you will do everything you can to make sure that this particular boy doesn't ruin his day-but he has to come.

[Anonymous]

The kid needs to know you know about his reputation? So at a random time and place, and not in reaction to a specific incident, you pull the child aside to tell him you know he is a bad kid.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you owe your son a huge apology. And I hope you two have the kind of relationship where in a couple of years from now he'll be able to tease you about your screwup and you'll both be able to laugh about it.

You can't un-invite the boy. Here's what I'd do:

When he arrived I'd say hi to him, and let him know that I know he and DS haven't been friends, but hopefully this party can be the beginning of a fresh start. It's okay if this party doesn't lead to a lifelong best friendship, but maybe it can lead to co-existing peacefully in school and around town. (And I'd warn DS that I was going to do this.)

Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

After the party, maybe at bedtime or something, I'd talk with DS about how proud I was of him dealing with a curveball graciously, being a good host no matter what, and being the bigger person (even though I accidentally forced him to do it). Then I'd tell him he earned something he's been wanting - to go to the movies with a friend without a parent, to go mini-golfing, some special outing.

Whoa, terrible idea (except the last point about congratulating the son.) Pull the child aside as soon as he arrives and essentially tell him he's a little shit and is on notice? Thats as bad as uninviting him. You treat all your guests the same, period. Thats the lesson OP should be teaching her DS. If you tell the kid thats he's a bad kid and is essentially unwanted, how do you think he will behave? And tell his mother? Who will tell the other mothers.

Same with the freakout of having some kind of body guard stand guard. I think the parents can handle this. Keep an eye out. Don't jump on every little thing. This is NOT an opportunity for revenge, it is an opportunity to start over again.

Since th kid has behaved badly in the past its particularly essential that the grownups in this situation behave well.

Read what the PP wrote again and then ask yourself how on earth you translated that to telling him he is a little shit and is on notice. You are bizarre!

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of these ideas are not going to help the kid learn how to deal with the mean kid, or others like him in the future. Apologize to the birthday boy. Let him choose whether he wants to have the party or cancel it. If I was 10 and my mom had a talk like you are suggesting with a child in my class, I would have been absolutely humiliated.

[Anonymous]

Teach your kid to sucker punch and then let the little jerk have it when he's least suspecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not uninvite this boy. It's an opportunity to teach your child to be a gracious host. It's an opportunity to learn how to turn a bad relationship around by offering an olive branch. It's a test to see if the other kid can be someone worth knowing or if he's just a little jerk.

PP is correct because this is one of life's most important lessons: how to get along with all people.

[Anonymous]

Instead of making this about the mean kid, why not diffuse this issue? Invite a whole bunch more kids to the party, if you can -- or even the whole class. Then your kid won't even have to see the bully at his party. He'll just be one of the crowd.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posters who said that how mean the boy has been matters. If he has been guilty of physical violence or makes fun of your son in a way that's racist etc., I frankly don't think that you need to have him in your home or at your kid's birthday party. If he has already violated social norms to that extent, the consequences are generally being excluded from social events. Just call his parents and say that it has come to your attention that the boys don't get along.

If he is just annoying, then maybe the posters who suggested this can be a learning experience are correct.

I throw an annual holiday party every year. One invitee showed up with a mutual acquaintance that I deliberately had not invited because she is a whiny ball of negativity. I dealt.

ANother friend of mine dated a crazy woman who attacked him and sent him to the emergency room. Some other mutual friends still interact with her because they have no idea of her history of violence. If they showed up with her, I would have no problem turning her away from my door if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Why would the mean kid even accept the party invitation?? If the boys don't like each other, why would the mean kid even want to come and celebrate your son's birthday?

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses sound like they are from parents of younger kids... At least I hope so, because the idea of calling a 10yo's parents and alerting them to prior alleged bad behavior made me laugh out loud. C'mon OP and all you PPs who used the cringe-worthy phrase "special day": these are 10yoboys. They are reasonably resilient and if not yet mature they at least have some capacity for reason. Canceling the party or dis inviting the other kid are ridiculous outcomes unless the child is overtly dangerous. Otherwise, chalk it up to one blip on the radar that won't impact your son's ability to enjoy his bday unless you make this into a bigger drama than it deserves (which sounds like where you are at OP, what with the talk of heartbreaking and such.) a party is just a party - a couple of hours where the kids get to eat cake, presumably do some kind of Activity, and then go home. Your son will have friends to celebrate with him and if there is a kid he doesn't like in the room, what is the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not uninvite the boy, and please do not let him or anyone else find out the invitation was an accident--that would be hurtful and terribly poor behaviour.


WHile I'm sure your son is upset and feels the other boy was "mean" to him, most likely the other boy feels your son was "mean". They are little kids--that's how it goes. Teach your son to be a gracious host and to be the first to try to mend a relationship--as others have said, they may never be best friends....but then again, they might in a couple of years. They're still young and sorting things out. At any rate, it will certainly be a good way to teach your son how to 'rise above'.

And definitely keep an eye on the party for any signs of exclusion or 'mean boy' behaviour. None of our kids are perfect.

Exactly. You have the perfect chance to teach your son an awesome life lesson. If your son cannot do this graciously, then he is just as in the wrong as the other boy.

[Anonymous]

yea to 6:14. while well meaning, so many of these responses seem overblown to me (in both dorections). it is a 10 yr old's bday party, let's keep it in context. sure i get why the bday boy is disappointed, but move on and he will, too (and he will have a great time at his party anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses sound like they are from parents of younger kids... At least I hope so, because the idea of calling a 10yo's parents and alerting them to prior alleged bad behavior made me laugh out loud. C'mon OP and all you PPs who used the cringe-worthy phrase "special day": these are 10yoboys. They are reasonably resilient and if not yet mature they at least have some capacity for reason. Canceling the party or dis inviting the other kid are ridiculous outcomes unless the child is overtly dangerous. Otherwise, chalk it up to one blip on the radar that won't impact your son's ability to enjoy his bday unless you make this into a bigger drama than it deserves (which sounds like where you are at OP, what with the talk of heartbreaking and such.) a party is just a party - a couple of hours where the kids get to eat cake, presumably do some kind of Activity, and then go home. Your son will have friends to celebrate with him and if there is a kid he doesn't like in the room, what is the big deal?

This post seems very insensitive. I feel sorry for this poster's kids. He/she seems like one of those people who brush kid's feelings aside with a "get over it." Feelings are just that, feelings, and they are there and need to be dealt with for what they are.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened to me in school when I was about 12 or 13..daughter of a school priest (was not a good friend/barely a friend, more of an acquaintance, two grades below me, annoyed the heck out of me) heard I was having a party, ASSumed she was invited, started talking about what time she should come over, etc.

I was furious. Mom said it would be the right thing to do to let her come even though we hadn't invited her and that I should be nice to her, etc.

The girl was kinda needy, and maybe had other problems. My mom felt sorry for her and when her dad/the priest asked about dropoff arrangements Mom just said oh sure 2pm or whatever - didn't tell him his little snowflake was not included.

I was not happy but dealt with it and it did not ruin my party. Therere were plenty of other classmates to hang out with and we went swimming and did other stuff. In the end it didn't matter much.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Not sure if you've posted since your original post. How big is this party? I agree, you can't uninvite him, you can't tell the parents now about the history (that would be inappropriate), and canceling the party seems extreme.

I am also curious about how mean and how long ago.

Good luck.