Inadvertently invited someone to my son's BDAY party. Help!

[Anonymous]

This post seems very insensitive. I feel sorry for this poster's kids. He/she seems like one of those people who brush kid's feelings aside with a "get over it." Feelings are just that, feelings, and they are there and need to be dealt with for what they are.

I disagree. Yes, the birthday boy will have upset feelings, and yes, mom should apologize to him, but unless the invited kid is overtly dangerous or a complete psychopath, the birthday boy is going to have to cope with those negative feelings. By the time that kids are 10, they need to begin learning to deal with frustration, disappointment, and things not going their way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something similar happened to me in school when I was about 12 or 13..daughter of a school priest (was not a good friend/barely a friend, more of an acquaintance, two grades below me, annoyed the heck out of me) heard I was having a party, ASSumed she was invited, started talking about what time she should come over, etc.

I was furious. Mom said it would be the right thing to do to let her come even though we hadn't invited her and that I should be nice to her, etc.

The girl was kinda needy, and maybe had other problems. My mom felt sorry for her and when her dad/the priest asked about dropoff arrangements Mom just said oh sure 2pm or whatever - didn't tell him his little snowflake was not included.

I was not happy but dealt with it and it did not ruin my party. Therere were plenty of other classmates to hang out with and we went swimming and did other stuff. In the end it didn't matter much.

Reading this reminded me that something like this happened for my 6th birthday. I had invited all the girls in my K class I believe and one of the invitees with parents that recently immigrated assumed they could bring along a neighbor who I did not care for. I complained--but it didn't matter at all in the end. In fact, I had forgotted about it until I read your post!

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you mean Pastor or Preacher not Priest, right? that in itself would be a quandary!

Anonymous wrote:Something similar happened to me in school when I was about 12 or 13..daughter of a school priest (was not a good friend/barely a friend, more of an acquaintance, two grades below me, annoyed the heck out of me) heard I was having a party, ASSumed she was invited, started talking about what time she should come over, etc.

I was furious. Mom said it would be the right thing to do to let her come even though we hadn't invited her and that I should be nice to her, etc.

The girl was kinda needy, and maybe had other problems. My mom felt sorry for her and when her dad/the priest asked about dropoff arrangements Mom just said oh sure 2pm or whatever - didn't tell him his little snowflake was not included.

I was not happy but dealt with it and it did not ruin my party. Therere were plenty of other classmates to hang out with and we went swimming and did other stuff. In the end it didn't matter much.

[Anonymous]

I was the uninvited show up one year!

I was good friends with this boy down the street. we played together after school all the time. I had gone to all his birthdays. The year he turned 8, I didn't get an invite but I heard lots of kids talking about the party. I assumed because I had always gone to his party I was naturally invited. I didn't even think about the possibility I wasn't!. So I told my mom, we bought a gift and she dropped me off at the door. I rang the bell and his mom answered the door, saw me in my party clothes with a gift and didn't know what to do. Then she told me that this year the party was only for boys. I thought that was really stupid as I was his friend and friends to go each others parties. His mom didn't really know what to do so then she told me to go out back and I could drop off the gift to him but then I had to go. I went out back and all the boys said - why is there a girl here? My friend told them he didn't know and that he hadn't invited me. So I went back home! Was mad for a day that I wasn't allowed to go to a party because I was a girl. The End.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sure you mean Pastor or Preacher not Priest, right? that in itself would be a quandary! "



No, her dad was a priest, he was an Episcopal priest, they can marry and have children

[Anonymous]

I think it's okay to lay out all the options with your child and choose the best one for him. Tell him there are certain parameters:

1. The boy cannot be treated meanly. Your son already knows how that feels. It feels bad! And we don't want to be mean. [Lay out all the things that means--no talking about him badly, saying he shouldn't have been invited, etc.]

2. You are willing to talk with the boy's parents, but you will keep it civil. You will NOT uninvite him to a party. What's done is done.

3. If the offending boy comes, you'll be sure to stick by him to make sure that he does not behave badly. If the offending boy behaves badly, you'll call his parents to have him picked up, and you'll take the blame. You'll give your child some strategies for how to handly meanness.

4. You can cancel the party, but you'll have to wait a full month or more before sending out new invitations. You will have to be VERY discreet about it. NO telling anyone the real reason why you're cancelling, because that would be mean. We can be strong, confident, and assert ourselves, but we cannot be cruel.

You can pretend you're Hillary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice (whatever your party affiliation is ) coming together to solve an international/inter-household crisis. Put your diplomatic thinking caps on.

[Anonymous]

pS: Another option. Ask that boy's parents to come, help you chaperone the party. Think they'd be up for it? Then they'd be RIGHT THERE and hopefully will keep an eye on their kid. Or at least you can be right there and point out when their kid might need some, you know, attention.

[Anonymous]

Don't uninvite. If it's 10 plus boys going, then mean boy will blend in with the crowd and be fine. If 5 or less boys going, then either invite more or keep a close eye during the party. Apologize to your kid, give him an extra gift as an apology, and tell him to deal.

[Anonymous]

14:21 here. Cancelling the party would be ridiculous, and it would make a much bigger deal out of the situation. Have the party. In another month, your son won't even think of it.

[Anonymous]

I would love for the OP to updated and tell us what she did...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you mean Pastor or Preacher not Priest, right? that in itself would be a quandary!

Anonymous wrote:

Do you know that not everyone with a priest is Catholic? She meant priest.

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear how this turned out -- good I hope. I did the same thing when my son was 9. We were new and this parent glommed onto me, and I thought my son was friends with this boy -- not! This boy had serious problems and disrupted the whole party in so many mean ways, including waking up at 5AM to light some leaves on fire in the yard. What a nightmare that was. Now I check and double check the list. Son forgave me; it was a misunderstanding. In hindsight, I would consider cancelling and a reschedule.

[Anonymous]

I wonder why so many posters care about not offending the bully (at least in the eyes of the birthday boy), but don't care about the birthday boy's feeling. Not everything should be a learning experience, especially if it a preventable thing. Why ruin someone's feelings? I would call his parents, make up a reason about why he is uninvited and apologize (e.g. "you accidentally included them in evite, and in any other circumstances you would be happy to have this boy over, but the party place has a guest limit. You, of course, would drop off a piece of cake and a goody bad after the party. And you are so so sorry!").

[Anonymous]

PP here. After the party (above) with the boy who started the fire, my DS just ended the "friendship." It wasn't real in the first place, so he just stopped accepting playdates (from the mother). The other boy went on to find other friends like himself. It wasn't that big a deal -- we were not friends in the first place, and there were no repercussions. It was not our responsibility to make a perfect experience for that boy, or make our son's birthday a "learning experience." I learned that our son's birthday is very important to us as a family and it is a special time for our family, our son, and his friends.