Inadvertently invited someone to my son's BDAY party. Help!

[Anonymous]

I inadvertently invited to my son's 10th birthday party a boy whom he does not get along with, and who has been very mean to him in the past. (Long story about email lists! I goofed! :shock. The boy's parent accepted. They have no idea about the negative history between the boys. I only found out about their acceptance when reviewing responses on Evite.

My son is extremely upset about this, and is even considering cancelling his birthday party because of this, which would break his heart and mine.

At this point, short of cancelling and moving the party or doing something drastic like that, which I don't want to do, how do I handle the situation? I would really like to be able to uninvite the other boy, without hurting his/the parents' feelings and being mean to them. Is that even possible. How do you even have that conversation without coming across as mean-spirited?

What are your thoughts about how to handle this? I really appreciate your insight as to how to handle this without causing unnecessary hurt.

Thank you, and no mean comments please.

[Anonymous]

You cannot uninvite him. I might email the other parents and say, "Timmy is really sensitive. Roy has hurt his feelings before. We are excited to have Roy at the party but could you talk to him about being nice to Timmy at the party?"

[Anonymous]

You cannot uninvited the boy now. Maybe you can help redirect/keep them apart?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have to deal with it. It's a good teaching opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Do not uninvite this boy. It's an opportunity to teach your child to be a gracious host. It's an opportunity to learn how to turn a bad relationship around by offering an olive branch. It's a test to see if the other kid can be someone worth knowing or if he's just a little jerk.

[Anonymous]

You and your son might be surprised at how making this little boy feel wanted can change their relationship. By taking them out of the school or sports environment, the two of them might actually connect (or at least dislike each other less.) Hold everyone to a high expectation and hopefully he'll respond.

Let us know how it goes!

[Anonymous]

Uninviting is not an option. At 10 your child is old enough to understand that things can be great even if they are not perfect and old enough to learn to be gracious--modeled by you of course.

[Anonymous]

You cannot uninvite, but you can talk to the other parent as long as you treat the problems as a two-way street: "I just wanted to touch base with you because I know the boys have had their problems in the past and while I'm glad to see that they may be moving past it, if your son decides that he's not up for this after all, I understand. They've got another 8 years to figure this out, so we don't have to rush them."

[Anonymous]

Please do not uninvite this little boy. There is no gracious way to do this. This may be an opportunity to see if a little kindness changes the boys relationship.

Also, please make sure your son does not tell anyone that this boy was invited by mistake. It would be embarrassing and mean to the other child.

[Anonymous]

Don't uninvite the boy. I would talk to his parents, saying nothing about whether the invite was intentional. Represent that there have been problems in the past between the kids, but you guys want to start fresh wit this party. Tell them you are talking to your kid about appropriate behavior, and ask if they will do so with their kid too. Who knows, maybe this event will help things between them some. They likely won't become BFFs, but it could lead to a detente.

[Anonymous]

Please do not uninvite the boy, and please do not let him or anyone else find out the invitation was an accident--that would be hurtful and terribly poor behaviour.


WHile I'm sure your son is upset and feels the other boy was "mean" to him, most likely the other boy feels your son was "mean". They are little kids--that's how it goes. Teach your son to be a gracious host and to be the first to try to mend a relationship--as others have said, they may never be best friends....but then again, they might in a couple of years. They're still young and sorting things out. At any rate, it will certainly be a good way to teach your son how to 'rise above'.

And definitely keep an eye on the party for any signs of exclusion or 'mean boy' behaviour. None of our kids are perfect.

[Anonymous]

OP, in what way has this boy been mean to your child? My responds to this would depend upon how mean the boy has been.

I'd say these aren't little kids -- they are 10! And this isn't really a learning lesson for your child -- it is your goof!

Your son has actually come up with a solution -- cancel the party. I would certainly give him that option! You can always celebrate his half birthday instead -- that's far enough away that it would be totally normal to invite not all the same people.

I would talk honestly though with your son, that he didn't cause this social etiquette problem, but he has to deal with it. Give him the option to cancel and reschedule in 6 months, or suggest that you have the boy come, and possibly some good could come of it. Really, your son is in the best position to know whether he is wiling to give this boy a try.

Some kids that age really are just mean, and being invited ot a birthday party wouldn't change anything.

Other times, you invite the class bully and it turns out he becomes your best friend!

Leave it up to your son whether he wants to chance it or not, and promise him if he goes through with the party, you or your husband will be watching the boy with an eagle eye.

You cannot call the parent now, after you have invited the child, and say "By the way, our kids have a strained history!"

[Anonymous]

I would give him the option of canceling the party, but not of a half bday party, and not of canceling and then telling anyone WHY he canceled. If he decides he doesn't want this party, he opts our, and that's his choice, but he doesn't get a redo, and he doesn't get to make an invited child feel bad. Grow up and accept it one way or the other. Mistakes happen. Sorry the kid was invited. Party with him or no party without him. I would talk to the other kids parents about how to behave to move forward though. They are probably completely unaware. Make it a great experience all around. You may be borrowing trouble.

[Anonymous]

I would give him the option of canceling the party, but not of a half bday party, and not of canceling and then telling anyone WHY he canceled. If he decides he doesn't want this party, he opts our, and that's his choice, but he doesn't get a redo, and he doesn't get to make an invited child feel bad. Grow up and accept it one way or the other. Mistakes happen. Sorry the kid was invited. Party with him or no party without him.

This seems reasonable to me as well. He doesn't have to have the party, but if he chooses to cancel it, it is cancelled and not to be rescheduled.

[Anonymous]

ALTERNATIVELY.... np here.

I understand the importance of teaching your child about inclusion, etc. But it is HIS party, and it seems like he has a legitimate reason not to want this boy here, if he's been mean in the past.

You could call the family and say there was an error within your address book and it accidentally invited everyone/all people with letter C/etc.

Yes, it's a lie. It will be awkward and that may end your relations with that family. But your son should be able to celebrate his day with people who make him feel good, not bad, about himself.