Inadvertently invited someone to my son's BDAY party. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you owe your son a huge apology. And I hope you two have the kind of relationship where in a couple of years from now he'll be able to tease you about your screwup and you'll both be able to laugh about it.

You can't un-invite the boy. Here's what I'd do:

When he arrived I'd say hi to him, and let him know that I know he and DS haven't been friends, but hopefully this party can be the beginning of a fresh start. It's okay if this party doesn't lead to a lifelong best friendship, but maybe it can lead to co-existing peacefully in school and around town. (And I'd warn DS that I was going to do this.)
Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

After the party, maybe at bedtime or something, I'd talk with DS about how proud I was of him dealing with a curveball graciously, being a good host no matter what, and being the bigger person (even though I accidentally forced him to do it). Then I'd tell him he earned something he's been wanting - to go to the movies with a friend without a parent, to go mini-golfing, some special outing.

For an adult to do that is very awkward for the child, very unwelcoming and could really make a kid feel bad. It's better to monitor the kids behavior and step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you owe your son a huge apology. And I hope you two have the kind of relationship where in a couple of years from now he'll be able to tease you about your screwup and you'll both be able to laugh about it.

You can't un-invite the boy. Here's what I'd do:

When he arrived I'd say hi to him, and let him know that I know he and DS haven't been friends, but hopefully this party can be the beginning of a fresh start. It's okay if this party doesn't lead to a lifelong best friendship, but maybe it can lead to co-existing peacefully in school and around town. (And I'd warn DS that I was going to do this.)

Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

After the party, maybe at bedtime or something, I'd talk with DS about how proud I was of him dealing with a curveball graciously, being a good host no matter what, and being the bigger person (even though I accidentally forced him to do it). Then I'd tell him he earned something he's been wanting - to go to the movies with a friend without a parent, to go mini-golfing, some special outing.

Whoa, terrible idea (except the last point about congratulating the son.) Pull the child aside as soon as he arrives and essentially tell him he's a little shit and is on notice? Thats as bad as uninviting him. You treat all your guests the same, period. Thats the lesson OP should be teaching her DS. If you tell the kid thats he's a bad kid and is essentially unwanted, how do you think he will behave? And tell his mother? Who will tell the other mothers.

Same with the freakout of having some kind of body guard stand guard. I think the parents can handle this. Keep an eye out. Don't jump on every little thing. This is NOT an opportunity for revenge, it is an opportunity to start over again.

Since th kid has behaved badly in the past its particularly essential that the grownups in this situation behave well.

[Anonymous]

Also, do you really think these kids are thinking about "lifelong friendships" and "coexisting?"

[Anonymous]

Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

We are talking about 10 year old kids here. How many random adults do you think are going to be there to monitor kids at the party?

[Anonymous]

I would do what your son asked in this instance. It is HIS birthday, he didn't make the mistake. I don't think the PPs statements that it is a learning experience are wrong and unfair.
As a grown adult and if my husband invited someone that was cruel to me to my birthday party, I would be livid and want to cancel the party. It is his birthday, bottom line. Reschedule it.

[Anonymous]

Another thought on this - it really could work out better than you think. I know this involves much younger kids, but my son was 5 and I made him invite all of the boys in his class to his birthday party, even a kid that he hated who has hit him, punched him, called him a baby, and scratched his face. The kid pretty much acted like a wild animal at the party, and I can see why DS disliked him. But right after the party, they started getting along better at school to the point that they can be civil to each other, and accept each other. No, they didn't become BFFs, but I would definitely classify them as acquaintances as opposed to enemies now.

[Anonymous]

Don't cancel the party, it would be in poor taste and send a terrible message to your son. I know you are in a tough spot, but you sound thoughtful and you are clearly respectful of your son's feelings. This tells me that even if he's upset, he'll know that you made an honest mistake that that, together, you both need to do the right thing. I'm sure it will go just fine (lots of distractions at a boy's party), but you will probably owe your son some kind of special treat after

[Anonymous]

PP here. Spme of these responses are terrible advice. We're all over the map, so I am offering the op another choice on how to approach. With your son, answer the following:

* which actions would be best for your child at school the following Monday?

* which actions would be the best for your relationship with your kid?

Your child should feel safe, loved and respected and protected. Your child should know that sometimes families "take one for the team.".

You should know that not every experience has to be a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anyone know the book "Enemy Pie," by Derek Munson? It's for younger kids, but it basically tells the story of a kid being forced to spend a whole day with his "enemy," and the two of them becoming friends.

If this happened to me, I'd have my son read it and then we could discuss what to do next. I know that it's over-optimistic to think that the party would lead them to becoming best buds over night, but I do think that sometimes a little fun time outside of school can help kids identify more with each other.

(To me, it does matter what he has specifically done in the past. If he's just a jerk who makes mean comments to everyone, I think some positive interaction would be a good thing. But if he's sadistic--then, no.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wroteon't uninvite the offensive kid.

Your kid is 10. This is a great age to learn how to be kind, gracious, and forgiving.



On the other hand.. 10 is a great age to learn that being a jerk means sometimes people exclude you.

If it was my kid, I would cancel and reschedule for another day. I would tell my son it was a simple date error that I the parent made and provide no other explanation to him. That way all he can tell his friends is that his mom got dates mixed up.

Maybe, but you aren't teaching either child anything with your suggestion of lying to everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Then, I'd pull aside an adult at the party (DH, FIL, my best guy friend, etc.) and point out the boy. And I'd tell them "I need you to make this kid your project for the next two hours. You need to stay right on top of him, and if he even BEGINS to step out of line, I need to know you will be all over it, shutting him down immediately. DS really went out on a limb having this kid, he's tense about it, and I don't want this kid in ANY way wrecking today's party." If the kid teases DS, the Watcher pulls him away from the group, tells him no teasing and if he does it again then you'll have to call his parents to pick him up early, then sends him back to the group. If he plays too harshly, same thing - gets pulled away, gets a talking-to, etc.

We are talking about 10 year old kids here. How many random adults do you think are going to be there to monitor kids at the party?

Myself and DH, the grandparents, and the moms of my kids best friends would absolutely offer to stay and help.

[Anonymous]

I really would like to know what the other boy did to your son and weight that to make a decision. I think your child and his special day is the priority. If he legitimately treated your son badly, I would call his parents and speak to them first, and express concern that your son has this issue and you just wanted to let them know what he told you about their son. Depending on what the situation is, and whether the boy did or did not treat your son badly, then weigh the options. This whole, "this is a teaching lesson" crap is BS. Do what's best for your son, and screw what anyone else thinks.

In my mind the options are un-invite the kid, or have the kid come to the party. Canceling the party is ridiculous and not necessary. But 10 year-olds are not little kids, so just make sure your son will be okay emotionally with your decision, and that he'll be able to go to school on Monday! )

[Anonymous]

In my mind the options are un-invite the kid, or have the kid come to the party.

If you uninvite only the particular kid, how is that possibly not going to make the situation between the two boys escalate exponentially? To me, it seems like the choices are either deal with having the kid there, or cancel the party.

[Anonymous]

I can assure you that if you uninvite the boy you will be the baddie, and your reputation will linger. Seriously, has anyone on these boards ever had a child uninvited to a party? Ever seen it happen? It is such an unusual thing that it would really be seen as outrageous.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are talking about the Hell's Angels, exclusion is a bad policy. At every party the hosts have a descending scale of most to least liked or appreciated guests. Wasting time worrying about who should be invited or who should not be present will only diminish the quality of the event.