Men raising children that are not theirs without knowing about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is not the father of one of our children. We were not married at the child's conception and he knew from the beginning. The child is now 13 and doesn't know he isn't the biological father (we don't plan to tell).

That is really sad, PP. The child deserves to know the truth. What about his biological family? What if there are illnesses or something that is passed on to him, he doesn't even know his own medical history?

No illnesses have been passed on. The "father" has enough kids (10+) to keep the rest of his family busy with his offspring.

You have NO IDEA if there are any illnesses. Do you think they all show up the first 13 years? Wrong!

Wait til he finds out. He's going to hate you.

Yeah she should have had an abortion instead. Right? At least she was honest with her now husband and she conceived BEFORE her marriage so give her an fing break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bil put his name on the birth certificate of a child he knew wasn't his. He lied for years about it, although the family pretty much knew all along. The good thing is his now ex can not come after him for child support.

I know that sounds harsh, but that is only a small snippet of the train wreck that relationship was. He hasn't seen his "son" in 13 years now.

In many states if a man "holds himself out" as a child's father (puts his name on the birth cert, says that he is the child's father, acts like the child's father) he is considered the child's father in the eyes of the law, even if he is not biologically related to the child. So, BIL may still end up paying.

well, they were split up by the time the kid was 2, but she still was using credit cards in his name and living in the house he bought. She also came and stole his car when hers was repossessed. He was bankrupt by 25 with no visitation rights and a restraining order against him (she claims he hit her in a dispute about money, which no one believes because even her own family knows she's a pathological liar). He hasn't seen the kid since he was 4 (although we have several times, as have my in-laws). The psycho has him believing that my BIL was beating him, which is ludicrous - he may be dumb, but he's not an abuser.

Kid is about to head to college (hopefully), so no chance in hell there will be any child support at this point. He was paying her voluntarily until they were officially divorced (for the second time - seriously twisted tale) - around the same time he filed for bankruptcy and moved home. We actually had a call from psycho woman explaining that she was going to try to file for child support from the real dad so my BIL was going to have to do a paternity test. Don't think she ever really followed through with that - this was several years back now.

I do understand this is the case in some states, though - just didn't happen in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bil put his name on the birth certificate of a child he knew wasn't his. He lied for years about it, although the family pretty much knew all along. The good thing is his now ex can not come after him for child support.

I know that sounds harsh, but that is only a small snippet of the train wreck that relationship was. He hasn't seen his "son" in 13 years now.

In many states if a man "holds himself out" as a child's father (puts his name on the birth cert, says that he is the child's father, acts like the child's father) he is considered the child's father in the eyes of the law, even if he is not biologically related to the child. So, BIL may still end up paying.

well, they were split up by the time the kid was 2, but she still was using credit cards in his name and living in the house he bought. She also came and stole his car when hers was repossessed. He was bankrupt by 25 with no visitation rights and a restraining order against him (she claims he hit her in a dispute about money, which no one believes because even her own family knows she's a pathological liar). He hasn't seen the kid since he was 4 (although we have several times, as have my in-laws). The psycho has him believing that my BIL was beating him, which is ludicrous - he may be dumb, but he's not an abuser.

Kid is about to head to college (hopefully), so no chance in hell there will be any child support at this point. He was paying her voluntarily until they were officially divorced (for the second time - seriously twisted tale) - around the same time he filed for bankruptcy and moved home. We actually had a call from psycho woman explaining that she was going to try to file for child support from the real dad so my BIL was going to have to do a paternity test. Don't think she ever really followed through with that - this was several years back now.

I do understand this is the case in some states, though - just didn't happen in this case.

I think we have the same friend He paid for years, voluntarily. The child (now 21) has no idea he's not her dad. The ex bashed him to the child, would have her call looking for $$ for computers, back to school clothes, if the support was a day late, etc.

The child has severe mental illness, as her bio father is schizophrenic. Again, she has no idea and refuses treatment.

And for the PP about not having an abortion but told her current husband the truth? No one said she shouldn't have had the child. But why doesn't the child deserve the same truth? Growing up knowing this man CHOSE to stay in his life and loves him is a great thing. Could be a valuable life lesson.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has a teenage DD. Her DH is not the father of the DD and he does not know. He thinks that she is his biological child She had a quick ONS with a former BF during a rough patch in their marriage and the DD was conceived during this time. She said that she always knew that the BF would not really be father material and could not provide the way her DH would be able to provide. Her DH and his parents (paternal grandparents) love and adore her DD. My friends feels that it is best to leave things the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is not the father of one of our children. We were not married at the child's conception and he knew from the beginning. The child is now 13 and doesn't know he isn't the biological father (we don't plan to tell).

Everyone deserves to know the truth.
What is done in the dark will come to the light.
What is there to hide?
What a beautiful story that this man loved this child despite their being no biological connection.
How sad to shroud this secrecy in lies and shame.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my BIL who married a woman who was pregnant and said the kid was he. He must have been suspicious and had a paternity test without her knowing when the kid was around three or four years old. Now they are separated and going through a divorce. I feel really bad for the guy since he has two kids from a previous marriage. His ex took the kids back to her home country and he sends money to support those kids. Now he lives apart from this other kid and apparently doesn't get access to him since he has been sent to her parents' home in another state. They don't live in the US so I'm not sure how things go there. As a (non-practicing) lawyer it drives me crazy hearing second-hand about all this stuff since his family talks about it like BIL has no rights. I think that regardless of where you live if you are the one listed on the birth certificate as the father, you are the father until you have that right taken away voluntarily or involuntarily. I don't think they have a separation agreement, which to us in the US would seem odd. I'm starting to believe that he may be preparing to cut the cord. I understand the biological father is now in the picture. I know it's harsh but I don't really blame the guy if he is looking for an exit. This may be his last chance for having a family of his own. It's hard to believe that given his economic situation, he would be able to support three kids and have his own family as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think we have the same friend He paid for years, voluntarily. The child (now 21) has no idea he's not her dad. The ex bashed him to the child, would have her call looking for $$ for computers, back to school clothes, if the support was a day late, etc.

The child has severe mental illness, as her bio father is schizophrenic. Again, she has no idea and refuses treatment.

Nah, different details. But good to know that there are that several psycho baby mommas in the world

Seriously, it really makes me worry for mankind/civilization/etc. that people can live life like this and get away with it. My BIL is no catch, but being involved with this chick damaged him for life. Of course, he then went on to create 2 kids with another loser who left all of them....but I digress.

I have advocated for him either being celibate for the rest of his life or sterilized, so as not to add more jerry springer drama.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who says that paternity testing should be mandatory is insane. Why would you want to give the government that kind of power? Anyone who wants a paternity test can get one. Thinking that it has to be mandated is the type of fascist thinking that leads to the world of 1984 (or North Korea).

[Anonymous]

I think it's amazing that some PPs have more sympathy for a man who bails on his child who has never known any other father once he finds out he's not the biodad. Where is the sympathy for the child who loses his father due to the sins of his mother before he was even born? I think the old-school laws that presume a husband is the father of his wife's kids and require the payment of child support if a man holds himself out as the child's father are morally right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't something new. They should be doing mandatory paternity testing at birth before putting a name on a birth certificate.

mandatory? even if it were reasonable (and legal) to force new mothers to submit their newborns to unnecessary tests like this, shouldn't at least the father/husband/supposed-father have a right to decide he doesn't need such a test?

The military acts on this suspicion by mandating rhogam shots to every mother. I had to fight so hard to not be subjected to it. I told the OB that we were high school sweethearts and that there was no way I could fool anyone, since we are two different races and it would be obvious I was right, but they refused to back off. I was so naive at the time, it took me a while to realize that they did not trust that the father was who I said it was, period.

What on earth are you talking about.

We are a long time military family with young kids and have never heard of anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's amazing that some PPs have more sympathy for a man who bails on his child who has never known any other father once he finds out he's not the biodad. Where is the sympathy for the child who loses his father due to the sins of his mother before he was even born? I think the old-school laws that presume a husband is the father of his wife's kids and require the payment of child support if a man holds himself out as the child's father are morally right.

I really think it depends on the circumstances. There are 2 sides to every story. Do I think one should bail on a child they have raised as their own automatically after finding out the child is not biologically theirs? No. But there is usually more going on.

We didn't cut off ties with my BIL's not-son even after all was finally revealed. We have tried to remain a part of his life as much as his crazy mother and distance will allow. He's getting old enough now to maintain contact with us on his own (he found me on facebook). Eventually, the truth will be told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's amazing that some PPs have more sympathy for a man who bails on his child who has never known any other father once he finds out he's not the biodad. Where is the sympathy for the child who loses his father due to the sins of his mother before he was even born? I think the old-school laws that presume a husband is the father of his wife's kids and require the payment of child support if a man holds himself out as the child's father are morally right.

Where is the responsibility on the woman to not use a man to raise her children by lying and scheming? Why is the mother never held responsible for the choices she made?

I recently met a man who found out after 42 years of marriage that his wife had been cheating the entire time and that none of his three kids who he raised were his. One had significant disabilities and this man had been the primary caregiver at night then working 16 hours days to financially support the family while his wife ran around on him. I am sure many woman here will find a way to blame the man and call him names for not knowing sooner and cheer the woman for her skill in using him so well. Did he stick around - yes, still is the main caregiver for his now 30 year old son but I have absolutely no problem judging the woman for this. The devastation she caused this man and the whole family lies solely on her.

[Anonymous]

I can understand how ppl thought less of begin caught before the 20tth-21st century, when there was more ethnic homogeneity and no knowledge of blood types & DNA. But now? Parents are routinely tested if the kid has certain types of health issues. Even absent the health concerns, all you need is some saliva swab or hair sample to find the truth. Who thinks they can get away with passing the kid as another man's anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That is really sad, PP. The child deserves to know the truth. What about his biological family? What if there are illnesses or something that is passed on to him, he doesn't even know his own medical history?

This line of argument is so over-rated.... People have lived for thousands of years without as much as being aware that there are genes. And all of a sudden, unless a child doesn't have a fully sequenced genome of both parents at his disposal, he is somehow crippled. I have no dog in this fight but I can totally understand that some parents would chose not to tell their children.

I agree with the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is not the father of one of our children. We were not married at the child's conception and he knew from the beginning. The child is now 13 and doesn't know he isn't the biological father (we don't plan to tell).

That is really sad, PP. The child deserves to know the truth. What about his biological family? What if there are illnesses or something that is passed on to him, he doesn't even know his own medical history?

It sounds like you have a stable family now-and that's good for all of you. After growing up with a lot of riduculousness in my own family of origin, my motto for my family is "No secrets, no lies." Would it really be so harmful for your son to know the truth: that he has a dad who chose to love him and raise, but another man is his biological father. I think it can be easier to have that knowledge from a young age than to learn it later in life-and in my family, and in others I know, family members do start spilling secrets.

It would cause more harm than good. This child is a middle child. Going through puberty is hard enough without suddenly feeling like you're the "outsider" in the family. I may evaluate when my child is an adult, but, as of now, I have no plans to reveal anything.