getting custody of a loser family member's child - long

[Anonymous]

I don't know enough about trying to get custody to Give advice on that front.
But I agree you should try to be the best aunt possible to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CPS - they can evaluate the family and at least have a preliminary psych eval done of the mother- at the very least, the mother may get some much-needed services,

i think your concerns about cleanliness, lack of food, and missed days of school are more than sufficient to be reportable.

OP, I want to second the post above. Lack of food -- really, they're having to catch fish in the river to provide a basic meal? They're "camping" when actually they are at that point homeless? -- is one real reason to get CPS involved now, not later. The missed school should already have had the school out looking for them.

You can call CPS anonymously, you know. When you do, don't wing it -- write out, in advance, what you want to say, so you don't miss anything. At the least, CPS can evaluate the mom's mental capacities. Be certain to mention that SIL is pregnant again and that you fear for the baby since the mom already is living "camping" at times, and is apparently not receiving any prenatal medical treatment.

Meanwhile, as someone else posted, do what you can for the little girl so she knows you are there for her.

[Anonymous]

She should go ahead and apply for SSI. I am not sure what the "REALLY" is about. What you have described here is enough for her to qualify. Her working in the past means she will like to work but the behaviors you have described so far convince me she cannot keep a job, she is mentally disabled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do anything in terms of rehoming her is if they are found unfit and lose custody. But as a PP noted, that will bring its own set of issues - including some serious psychological issues due to abandonment. Kids aren't removed from a home just because there is someone who can parent them better than the parents they have. The best you can all do is be there and be supportive.

I am the aunt of the grown up version of your niece and she has turned out to be a really great person. So, it's not a given that your niece is doomed. From the time my niece was born, my mom and I really pulled together for my niece and gave her opportunities. We babysat whenever we were needed. I once had her for a few weeks with no notice and no time to arrange Childcare while I worked. My mom and I bought most of her clothes. My mom took her grocery shopping every Sunday to buy breakfast cereal and food to pack for lunch. I took my niece out at least once a month and took her on vacations each year. We never missed a school function, even when I had to drive five hours each way. When I lived far away, I sent cards and little gifts for each holiday. It might have only been heart shaped erasers and red pencils for valentines, but she knew she was important. we bought all of her school supplies and paid for all field trips. We paid for camps. I would bring her to my house and we'd bake and cook so she could learn. I could keep going, but you probably have the idea. One thing is that through all of her growing up, we never made her feel bad about her parents- we kept our thoughts to ourselves. Even now that she's grown, I'd never share my feelings. Investing in my niece is one of the best things I've done with my life.

Best to you and your family.

This is amazing, God bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:; the man is 100% capable... I tell this long, long story, wondering if there's anything the family can do to get these kids.

No. MYOB and butt the fuck out.

OP, don't listen to this. These children need someone to look out for them and their well being. If drugs are being used in the house call CPS. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CPS - they can evaluate the family and at least have a preliminary psych eval done of the mother- at the very least, the mother may get some much-needed services,

i think your concerns about cleanliness, lack of food, and missed days of school are more than sufficient to be reportable.

OP, I want to second the post above. Lack of food -- really, they're having to catch fish in the river to provide a basic meal? They're "camping" when actually they are at that point homeless? -- is one real reason to get CPS involved now, not later. The missed school should already have had the school out looking for them.

You can call CPS anonymously, you know. When you do, don't wing it -- write out, in advance, what you want to say, so you don't miss anything. At the least, CPS can evaluate the mom's mental capacities. Be certain to mention that SIL is pregnant again and that you fear for the baby since the mom already is living "camping" at times, and is apparently not receiving any prenatal medical treatment.

+1. It will put them on CPS's radar & if the situation deteriorates, hopefully CPS will have more to work with. It may also link your SIL to a social worker who can convince her to accept medical care or at least see a doctor. I used to be a post partum nurse & cannot tell you how many babies were cleared by CPS to go home with parents with clear records of drug use and seriously questionable care skills. But that initial call gets them into the system and initiates some level of oversight.

Closer to home, I have also spent 15 yrs watching my niece grow up in miserable circumstances: brother & his ex are heavy smokers, drug users, hoarders (rooms packed to the ceilings with stuff, filthy & goat trails) and unable to hold jobs of any sort. They have no desire to change their lifestyles and avoid doctors like the plague. After breaking up, SIL obtained full custody and has had a parade of different boyfriends come in & out of niece's life. She also "homeschools" my niece, sending in enough proof to keep niece out of the public school system and quite isolated. At nearly 16, my niece is painfully shy, can barely do 3rd grade math and 6th grade reading, has no similar-age friends, and rarely sees a doctor. Ex SIL is paranoid, fractious & volatile. For example, if ex SIL feels like we are somehow upstaging her by wishing niece a happy birthday or trying to be FB friends with niece, ex SIL will take pictures of a bruise from a trip & fall accident and call the police to report that we beat her (never mind that we live two hours away & haven't seen her in 5 yrs..). These things get dismissed by the police & in court, but it is miserable for everyone.

I've used countless days off clearing out room after room at my brother's place & scrubbing down the kitchen & bath in the hopes of having a reasonably clean place for my niece when she visits; but everything returns to status quo quickly. I've tried to set up psych appointments for brother, but he won't go. Offers to "host" niece for any amount of time or send her to summer camp have been met with suspicion & fury from ex SIL and just results in further estrangement, so we don't do that any more. My parents & I tiptoe and have resorted to doing small things that might make a difference: sending presents, supplies, books, etc via my brother, who has occasional access to her. We have extra savings in the hopes that niece can get remedial education and make it to college eventually; her parents don't know. Somehow, my niece has managed to survive 16 yrs - in two more years, she will be emancipated & it will be far easier to get her help without having to go through her parents. So we do what we can, report what we can and hold our breaths. Time passes. Try to give what support you can and a line of communication open. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have a same-age first cousin who grew up in a house like this. Now she hates all of us for not doing something about it, and for letting her grow up in hell. I can see her point; it must have been so hard for her to see the stable, comfortable home that my brothers and I, and our other cousins, enjoyed, while she had to go home to a double wide, a shrill, neglectful mother, and the mom's deadbeat boyfriend.

I think you should do whatever it takes to get that kid out of there.

[Anonymous]

THIS IS A 2012 THREAD

2012
2012
2012
2012

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THIS IS A 2012 THREAD

2012
2012
2012
2012

Thank you. Why do people dig up old posts to respond to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do anything in terms of rehoming her is if they are found unfit and lose custody. But as a PP noted, that will bring its own set of issues - including some serious psychological issues due to abandonment. Kids aren't removed from a home just because there is someone who can parent them better than the parents they have. The best you can all do is be there and be supportive.

I am the aunt of the grown up version of your niece and she has turned out to be a really great person. So, it's not a given that your niece is doomed. From the time my niece was born, my mom and I really pulled together for my niece and gave her opportunities. We babysat whenever we were needed. I once had her for a few weeks with no notice and no time to arrange Childcare while I worked. My mom and I bought most of her clothes. My mom took her grocery shopping every Sunday to buy breakfast cereal and food to pack for lunch. I took my niece out at least once a month and took her on vacations each year. We never missed a school function, even when I had to drive five hours each way. When I lived far away, I sent cards and little gifts for each holiday. It might have only been heart shaped erasers and red pencils for valentines, but she knew she was important. we bought all of her school supplies and paid for all field trips. We paid for camps. I would bring her to my house and we'd bake and cook so she could learn. I could keep going, but you probably have the idea. One thing is that through all of her growing up, we never made her feel bad about her parents- we kept our thoughts to ourselves. Even now that she's grown, I'd never share my feelings. Investing in my niece is one of the best things I've done with my life.

Best to you and your family.

Wow. Bless you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:; the man is 100% capable... I tell this long, long story, wondering if there's anything the family can do to get these kids.

No. MYOB and butt the fuck out.

I don't know if you're a pathetic troll or this is truly your opinion, but either way you're a cruel and nasty person who either hates kids or just hates yourself so much you wish harm on everyone else. Even if you're a pot-stirring troll, it's still true, because who says this after reading a post where real kids are in real jeopardy except someone who has huge issues of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should go ahead and apply for SSI. I am not sure what the "REALLY" is about. What you have described here is enough for her to qualify. Her working in the past means she will like to work but the behaviors you have described so far convince me she cannot keep a job, she is mentally disabled.

Why? Why did you dig this up from 4 years ago and respond to it?

[Anonymous]

Even if the SW finds some kind of abuse, the kids aren't necessarily being removed just like that. Taking the kids out of the home is a last resort - after parenting classes, monitoring visits, etc have failed - or if there's a life threatening situation.

Then, if the kids are removed, it will be years before parental rights are terminated, if they are to be terminated at all. Kinship care if the go-to choice in this situation, but the closest relative with an established relationship who is found fit by the courts to be a temporary guardian may or may not be you. If it's not you, you may not get visitation rights while the kid is assigned to a relative on the other side of the family who doesn't know you - or assigned to just straight up neighbors.

This is such a crap shoot. Do it if you believe your niece is in danger. Don't do it because you think it means you'll get to keep her - that's selfish and foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the SW finds some kind of abuse, the kids aren't necessarily being removed just like that. Taking the kids out of the home is a last resort - after parenting classes, monitoring visits, etc have failed - or if there's a life threatening situation.

Then, if the kids are removed, it will be years before parental rights are terminated, if they are to be terminated at all. Kinship care if the go-to choice in this situation, but the closest relative with an established relationship who is found fit by the courts to be a temporary guardian may or may not be you. If it's not you, you may not get visitation rights while the kid is assigned to a relative on the other side of the family who doesn't know you - or assigned to just straight up neighbors.

This is such a crap shoot. Do it if you believe your niece is in danger. Don't do it because you think it means you'll get to keep her - that's selfish and foolish.

OP is long-gone. This was almost four years ago. Give..it..up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you want to help? open a 529 for the kids and don't announce it.

otherwise, you don't get a say now.

Give me a break! That girl has about a zero chance of going to college and will probby end up a teenage mom like her mother. Call CPS, but they won't do anything.