getting custody of a loser family member's child - long

[Anonymous]

You can call CPS to see if they will take a report re: neglect - I imagine they will.

Beyond that, I would be available to the kid/s and offer to babysit and/or take them on special outings. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Oh, and CPS won't be able to advise about custody issues or establishing a 529 for them - you need to consult a lawyer for this.

[Anonymous]

I think Mark Harmon and Pam Dawber did this with one of their messed up relatives. Might have been one of those Nelsons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My 25 year old sister in law is mentally challenged. ....
We've diagnosed her as OCD, per Dr. Google, but Lord only knows what else is wrong with her. She refuses to see a doctor for therapy or anti-anxiety medication and will not get on birth control. MIL now thinks they should have considered SSI...REALLY? Honestly, SIL has less sense than her 6 year old daughter. (I Am Sam comes to mind.)

Something is wrong with your mil
Why was she not diagnosed with mental retardation at school?
Why wait so long?

It's very complicated, and I don't fully understand myself. In some ways, she's exactly like the character from the movie. In other ways, she's a functioning adult. She was in some special ed classes in school (after administration fought w/her dad over her placement - they wanted it, dad did not) yet she can read and write and passed her classes. She understands welfare and bills and insurance, but like a 6 year old might, she thinks everyone should care for her and make sure she's got her basic needs. I'm guessing it's part parents' refusal to believe there was something wrong, thinking she was just a temperamental spoiled brat, and partly being lost in the shuffle (baby of 6 kids). At this point, it's too late to point fingers and say "you should have done this", I know my in-laws feel horrible about the situation they are party responsible for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Mark Harmon and Pam Dawber did this with one of their messed up relatives. Might have been one of those Nelsons.

hahaaa, I thought you were going to say ...made a Lifetime movie about this! I really feel like we're part of a Lifetime movie right when we talk about this.

[Anonymous]

20:42 here again. One other thing that I did was to create a lot of photo album pages for my niece from the positive times in her life - outings with me, birthday parties, dinners that I had with her parents, school events, you name it. Even when you are dealt a raw deal in life, there is a lot good and worth remembering. Not too long ago we had a girls weekend together and she brought the photo albums. We had a great time remembering the past.

[Anonymous]

20:42 has the right idea.

You can call CPS and probably should if they are fishing out of the river to eat and doing drugs in the house, not sending her to school, etc.

But no matter how that turns out, you can be there for her in many many significant ways and that will make a ig difference.

[Anonymous]

I could have wrote this about my older sister and her two children, now ages 10 and 11. Over the years my parents and I have tried a million things to intervene and they all failed. When my parents tried to get custody the courts told them that the kids smelling like smoke, eating terribly and moving from crummy apartment to crummy apartment wasn't enough for them to be removed from the home.

So we examined our motivations and pledged to do what was *best for the children*. And this was be there for them and not make them feel bad for loving their parents. Because as shitty as they are, they do love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do anything in terms of rehoming her is if they are found unfit and lose custody. But as a PP noted, that will bring its own set of issues - including some serious psychological issues due to abandonment. Kids aren't removed from a home just because there is someone who can parent them better than the parents they have. The best you can all do is be there and be supportive.

I am the aunt of the grown up version of your niece and she has turned out to be a really great person. So, it's not a given that your niece is doomed. From the time my niece was born, my mom and I really pulled together for my niece and gave her opportunities. We babysat whenever we were needed. I once had her for a few weeks with no notice and no time to arrange Childcare while I worked. My mom and I bought most of her clothes. My mom took her grocery shopping every Sunday to buy breakfast cereal and food to pack for lunch. I took my niece out at least once a month and took her on vacations each year. We never missed a school function, even when I had to drive five hours each way. When I lived far away, I sent cards and little gifts for each holiday. It might have only been heart shaped erasers and red pencils for valentines, but she knew she was important. we bought all of her school supplies and paid for all field trips. We paid for camps. I would bring her to my house and we'd bake and cook so she could learn. I could keep going, but you probably have the idea. One thing is that through all of her growing up, we never made her feel bad about her parents- we kept our thoughts to ourselves. Even now that she's grown, I'd never share my feelings. Investing in my niece is one of the best things I've done with my life.

Best to you and your family.

You sound like a lovely person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My 25 year old sister in law is mentally challenged. ....
We've diagnosed her as OCD, per Dr. Google, but Lord only knows what else is wrong with her. She refuses to see a doctor for therapy or anti-anxiety medication and will not get on birth control. MIL now thinks they should have considered SSI...REALLY? Honestly, SIL has less sense than her 6 year old daughter. (I Am Sam comes to mind.)

Something is wrong with your mil
Why was she not diagnosed with mental retardation at school?
Why wait so long?

It's very complicated, and I don't fully understand myself. In some ways, she's exactly like the character from the movie. In other ways, she's a functioning adult. She was in some special ed classes in school (after administration fought w/her dad over her placement - they wanted it, dad did not) yet she can read and write and passed her classes. She understands welfare and bills and insurance, but like a 6 year old might, she thinks everyone should care for her and make sure she's got her basic needs. I'm guessing it's part parents' refusal to believe there was something wrong, thinking she was just a temperamental spoiled brat, and partly being lost in the shuffle (baby of 6 kids). At this point, it's too late to point fingers and say "you should have done this", I know my in-laws feel horrible about the situation they are party responsible for.

Rather insulting to intellectually challenged ("mentally retarded") people with children who live stable, functional lives and don't act like this person, and who raise their children with stability, common sense, and without mental illness. Intellectually challenged people do not need therapy for mental illness or anxiety and low IQ does not equal bad behavior, mental illness, and instability and bad child rearing. You really have some stereotyped and antiquated and ugly notions of people with intellectual disabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My 25 year old sister in law is mentally challenged. ....
We've diagnosed her as OCD, per Dr. Google, but Lord only knows what else is wrong with her. She refuses to see a doctor for therapy or anti-anxiety medication and will not get on birth control. MIL now thinks they should have considered SSI...REALLY? Honestly, SIL has less sense than her 6 year old daughter. (I Am Sam comes to mind.)

Something is wrong with your mil
Why was she not diagnosed with mental retardation at school?
Why wait so long?

It's very complicated, and I don't fully understand myself. In some ways, she's exactly like the character from the movie. In other ways, she's a functioning adult. She was in some special ed classes in school (after administration fought w/her dad over her placement - they wanted it, dad did not) yet she can read and write and passed her classes. She understands welfare and bills and insurance, but like a 6 year old might, she thinks everyone should care for her and make sure she's got her basic needs. I'm guessing it's part parents' refusal to believe there was something wrong, thinking she was just a temperamental spoiled brat, and partly being lost in the shuffle (baby of 6 kids). At this point, it's too late to point fingers and say "you should have done this", I know my in-laws feel horrible about the situation they are party responsible for.

Rather insulting to intellectually challenged ("mentally retarded") people with children who live stable, functional lives and don't act like this person, and who raise their children with stability, common sense, and without mental illness. Intellectually challenged people do not need therapy for mental illness or anxiety and low IQ does not equal bad behavior, mental illness, and instability and bad child rearing. You really have some stereotyped and antiquated and ugly notions of people with intellectual disabilities.

OP here, I'm sorry this hurt and offended you. I didn't mean to stereotype, and I'm sure the PP didn't mean to either. Of course her disability doesn't mean she couldn't live a wonderful and productive life, as those with intervention and the right education do daily. Unfortunately, she wasn't offered those opportunities, which I think is the point the PP was trying to make.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had friends who went to court in VA to try to get their nieces. The nieces had basically been abandoned to them for about 18 months. The parents had severe issues. But the court refused.

I think it's pretty hard to get the courts to terminate parental rights/give custody to someone else. If you are serious, you should consult a lawyer. Ask for cases where the plantiff like you actually won. Don't waste a lot of time and money if it's hopeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way you can do anything in terms of rehoming her is if they are found unfit and lose custody. But as a PP noted, that will bring its own set of issues - including some serious psychological issues due to abandonment. Kids aren't removed from a home just because there is someone who can parent them better than the parents they have. The best you can all do is be there and be supportive.

I am the aunt of the grown up version of your niece and she has turned out to be a really great person. So, it's not a given that your niece is doomed. From the time my niece was born, my mom and I really pulled together for my niece and gave her opportunities. We babysat whenever we were needed. I once had her for a few weeks with no notice and no time to arrange Childcare while I worked. My mom and I bought most of her clothes. My mom took her grocery shopping every Sunday to buy breakfast cereal and food to pack for lunch. I took my niece out at least once a month and took her on vacations each year. We never missed a school function, even when I had to drive five hours each way. When I lived far away, I sent cards and little gifts for each holiday. It might have only been heart shaped erasers and red pencils for valentines, but she knew she was important. we bought all of her school supplies and paid for all field trips. We paid for camps. I would bring her to my house and we'd bake and cook so she could learn. I could keep going, but you probably have the idea. One thing is that through all of her growing up, we never made her feel bad about her parents- we kept our thoughts to ourselves. Even now that she's grown, I'd never share my feelings. Investing in my niece is one of the best things I've done with my life.

Best to you and your family.

This gave me chills as well. For people who grow up in a dysfunctional home, having a person like you in their lives can really alter the course of their future.

[Anonymous]

Could you do it gently maybe-as in "how about I take (child's name) for awhile this summer through your pregnancy so you can get some rest? And go from there one step at a time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you do it gently maybe-as in "how about I take (child's name) for awhile this summer through your pregnancy so you can get some rest? And go from there one step at a time?

I think it's really wonderful that you and your DH would consider doing this. Like PPs have mentioned, it's really difficult to do this official if the parents are willing. I think the PPs advice to do it one step at a time (how 'bout we take her for the summer?) is a good idea. See what happens after that. If nothing else, you can make she knows you're there for here no matter what and not be judgmental (at least in front of her) about her parents. As a PP noted, even though their shitty parents, the kids do love them. Best of luck to you and ignore the flamers.