getting custody of a loser family member's child - long
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Anonymous
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I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes:
My 25 year old sister in law is mentally challenged. She has been in prison (accomplice when her boyfriend was robbing homes). Her boyfriend is a convicted felon (just released from a 3 year term last year for same robbery and probation violation). They are both unemployed, on welfare, medical card, etc. They are both healthy enough to work; the man is 100% capable, and even with her challenges, my sister in law has held small fast food or grocery store type jobs before. She's got horrible self-esteem, and has stayed with this guy through jail, adultery, drugs and I even think some abuse. She knows the family will only try to talk her away from him, so she doesn't tell us any of the bad stuff anymore. She says she's in love with him, and when they're separated, she's nervous and obsessive, wondering what he's doing, where he is, is he mad at her, when will she see him again, etc. We've diagnosed her as OCD, per Dr. Google, but Lord only knows what else is wrong with her. She refuses to see a doctor for therapy or anti-anxiety medication and will not get on birth control. MIL now thinks they should have considered SSI...REALLY? Honestly, SIL has less sense than her 6 year old daughter. (I Am Sam comes to mind.) Anyway, along with their 6 year old, she's currently pregnant. To paint a better picture of SIL, her OB asked if she had brain damage. A family doctor said he won't deal with her anymore because he said it's like talking to a brick wall. She throws tantrums like a toddler when she's mad. She is like a teenager, thinking if she needs $10, my MIL is obligated to give it to her. She puts her daughter in a cold bath because SIL doesn't like hot water. She makes my niece do homework at midnight because SIL was running around w/her all evening. My niece wears jeans and tennis shoes all through the summer because SIL herself doesn't like shorts. SIL can't stand a messy ponytail, so she brushes her daughter's head until it's raw. Now on one hand, I say, nothing listed here is horribly harmful, really, and she's doing the best she can, bathing her and making sure she does her homework, but on the other, her methods seem so damaging to her DD. A few years ago, my husband and I took in SIL. She only stayed a few months, then went home to be with the boyfriend. She and her daughter have stayed off and on with MIL & FIL, but they won't allow boyfriend to stay, so she ends up leaving as soon as they find another place. They move from trailer to apt to house, always with multiple other people of the same ilk. They don't interact with my niece. She's very much left on her own. She misbehaves in school and is constantly in trouble. They frequently do not have food, and have resorted to catching fish from the river for dinner. They have been know to "go camping" when they have no where else to stay. My SIL yells at my niece all the time, but we don't believe there's any abuse. They don't qualify for low-income housing, due to unpaid utility bills in her name. She can't get a bank acct because of bad check writing history. My niece in enrolled in school, but has missed 1/3 of the year. (Small town and cousins attend same school, so teachers/parents share everything.) When their car isn't broken down, he's driving it without a license or insurance. SIL doesn't partake (she says), but rest of house's occupants are definitely smoking cigs and admit to smoking pot in the house around the kids. My niece has very few toys and clothes. Even when the family stocks her up for Christmas and her summer birthday, it will be lost due to eviction or unpaid storage facility fees. The rest of my husband's family is great. One SIL has a teen-aged son, and has not been able to keep a pregnancy since. (She lost her last baby at 7 months; she would be the same age as our niece.) She has offered to take in both our niece and the unborn baby, but not surprisingly SIL and loser boyfriend say no. She won't do it because she loves her kids. He won't do it because he'll lose some welfare. I tell this long, long story, wondering if there's anything the family can do to get these kids. We can't stand seeing these kids suffer, not having the material things, the house, the interaction, everything, her cousins have. Is there any way to get custody, or are these losers "good enough" parents that it's impossible? The family has no idea where to turn, or what to do. |
Anonymous
No. MYOB and butt the fuck out. |
Anonymous
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First of all, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation to be in. I know your post sounds a little less than empathetic but I can tell you care about the children and are frustrated to have to deal with the parents. Unfortunately you cannot just wave a wand and make the parents disappear.
These parents may be good enough. You know if there is ever an incident where the children's safety is threatened you can call CPS. It is a big step and the outcome may not be what you hope for. |
Anonymous
Yikes, are you Dave? Really, though, if other do think I should BTFO, maybe that is what we should do. But it just seems so horrible that two kids are growing up in this mess and will likely become parasites as well. It seems like if we don't BTFO, they could actually be saved from a shit life. |
Anonymous
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Hmm...i suppose you can call cps if they are using drugs around your niece. Maybe driving her around without a license can count as child negligence?
I'll be honest though op, if things are as bad as you say and she's missed 1/3 of the school year and the teachers haven't alerted cps, im npt sure anything can be done. |
Anonymous
Thank you, re-reading my post, it does sound so cold and detached, but I feel at such a loss listening to my MIL & FIL's pain over this whole thing. She is such a smart little girl, and has so much to offer if she just had half a chance. (I didn't mention it, but since loser BF isn't allowed around, he keeps our niece away as punishment.) And, oh, I so wish for that wand... |
Anonymous
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you want to help? open a 529 for the kids and don't announce it.
otherwise, you don't get a say now. |
Anonymous
| Yeah b/c at this rate those kids are really going to use a 529. You should talk to someone well versed in this. I suspect you're going to need quite a bit of documentation. |
Anonymous
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The only way you can do anything in terms of rehoming her is if they are found unfit and lose custody. But as a PP noted, that will bring its own set of issues - including some serious psychological issues due to abandonment. Kids aren't removed from a home just because there is someone who can parent them better than the parents they have. The best you can all do is be there and be supportive.
I am the aunt of the grown up version of your niece and she has turned out to be a really great person. So, it's not a given that your niece is doomed. From the time my niece was born, my mom and I really pulled together for my niece and gave her opportunities. We babysat whenever we were needed. I once had her for a few weeks with no notice and no time to arrange Childcare while I worked. My mom and I bought most of her clothes. My mom took her grocery shopping every Sunday to buy breakfast cereal and food to pack for lunch. I took my niece out at least once a month and took her on vacations each year. We never missed a school function, even when I had to drive five hours each way. When I lived far away, I sent cards and little gifts for each holiday. It might have only been heart shaped erasers and red pencils for valentines, but she knew she was important. we bought all of her school supplies and paid for all field trips. We paid for camps. I would bring her to my house and we'd bake and cook so she could learn. I could keep going, but you probably have the idea. One thing is that through all of her growing up, we never made her feel bad about her parents- we kept our thoughts to ourselves. Even now that she's grown, I'd never share my feelings. Investing in my niece is one of the best things I've done with my life. Best to you and your family. |
Anonymous
OP here again, I do get 20:30's message, though. Put your money where your mouth is. It actually gave me pause, because though we've said we'd spend whatever it takes to get the kids now, hearing it put that way makes me wonder if we would help after the fact. Food for thought, so thank you 20:30. 20:33, do you have any suggestions on who would be versed in these situations? CPS? Or an attorney? We truly have no idea where to begin. |
Anonymous
Thank you so much! These words gave me chills. I will heed this advice and pass it on to the rest of my SILs so we can all keep in mind that the kids best interest can still be served even if she's not living with one of us. Thank you all, again!! |
Anonymous
| OP, I have no expertise whatsoever in the sort of situation that you're dealing with, but I think it's a bit fatalistic to just shrug your shoulders and give up - not that you're doing that, but that's the tone of some of the PPs' advice. There ARE resources out there for family members who for one reason or another wind up helping to raise the children of their relatives. I think a lot of this is directed toward grandparents raising grandchildren. A friend of mine from a top law school developed an expertise in this and at various times has worked for several major cities and state governments. So start googling for legal clinics and government offices that might be able to give you some off-the-shelf advice; I did a quick search and one of the buzzwords seems to be "kinship care" but you'll find a lot of stuff just by googling grandparents raising grandchildren or something like that. Another thing to consider is whether it might be possible to find a social worker, lawyer or another professional with some expertise in this area whom you can pay for some advice. I am dealing with an elderly parent who is having some memory issues, and it seems like there is a growing field of people whom you can pay for an hour or two (or more) advice on navigating the issues and bureaucracy etc - maybe there is something similar for families dealing with issues like yours. Finally, if you or your family have any connection to a church, that might be a good resource too - they see the gamut of problems and often know all sorts of helpful people and offices that deal with social services. Good luck to you and your family. |
Anonymous
This poster has been posting these same sorts of things on several threads this evening. Same language every time. |
Anonymous
Something is wrong with your mil Why was she not diagnosed with mental retardation at school? Why wait so long? |
Anonymous
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CPS - they can evaluate the family and at least have a preliminary psych eval done of the mother- at the very least, the mother may get some much-needed services,
i think your concerns about cleanliness, lack of food, and missed days of school are more than sufficient to be reportable. |