Reply to I just don't like my husband anymore

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I agree with some of the the PPs who perceive part of your dissatisfaction to be disillusionment.  I am sure many people on DCUM have had a rough spot where they felt they had perhaps made a terrible mistake and that marriage wasn't supposed to be "like this" or they just haven't experienced it yet.  (If your marriage is perfect and you can't relate to OP, perhaps you have no business offering her your advice).

Having young kids and striking the balance of wife and mother is not as easy as it might seem.  Just consider the insecurity about our bodies that morph from slender to enormous in the span of less than a year, the fact that (as one PP stated) some men don't know what to do with a pregnant wife who is nauseous throughout her pregnancy (which may be care and concern perceived as disgust), the drastic spikes and plummets of hormones during and after pregnancy, the enormous pressures to be a perfect mother, and finally the energy and confidence at the end of the sleep deprived day to service your husband who you suddenly forgot what it was that made you fall in love in the first place.  Oh, and don't forget that everyone is looking to you to put on a happy face at all times, because you should be glowing with your beautiful family and never feeling disappointment because god forbid your child pick up on it and then turn out all screwed up for not growing up in a family where pure joy fills the air at all times.

If I read correctly and am not getting your posts mixed up with others, you said your husband imposed a sexless marriage on you and now he is wanting to be sexually intimate again that you have zero desire.  Are you perhaps afraid of feeling the rejection you may have felt during your pregnancy once again?  I was-for a fairly long time.  (Being on the pill and a libido zapping antidepressant didn't help one bit.)  You also complain that you feel resentful when he watches sports because he could be using that time to be helping you with childcare.  I get that, and felt that, too.

Then I decided to really talk about it with him.  I always thought we had a good relationship because we never fought.  Turns out, we never fought because we never discussed things that made us uncomfortable-imagine that!  At first we both focused on our own feelings of dissatisfaction (believe me, if you are dissatisfied, so is he).  Then we started to look at ourselves through each others eyes.  That is how we were able to see and understand how we ourselves were contributing to the problems.  When you discover you are both dissatisfied with your marriage, you may think divorce just makes sense.  But if there is no abuse and it boils down to poor communication, you can learn to get past that.  We went-and still go-to counseling, and although things aren't your initial falling in love, hormone induced feeling of perfect, we learned what a strong marriage really means.  Last year was just awful.  I even had a divorce attorney.  This year is much better and we both actually feel our marriage is stronger than it has ever been, but we still have a lot of work to do to make it even better and keep it strong.

One of the best things we did was commit to finding things we both enjoyed and we did them together, without the kids, at least every other week. It felt forced at first and getting a sitter was difficult as we have a child with special needs and it was also a financial strain, but then again, so was a lawyer. After the first few times, we both started looking forward to getting those special times alone together.

Don't let people who berate you for feeling disillusioned about marriage get to you.  It's OK to learn things as we go.  You are not selfish.  You do need to know that your marriage is not going to fight for itself, and you can't do it on your own, either.  You both need to commit to fighting to get it back on track.  Working together it is a fight you can win, and it is a fight worth having.  Good luck to you.[/quote]

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