We just need to buy her the crib, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just give her a cash gift or gift card and some practical items, like diapers and wipes. She can determine what she wants to do with the money. Let her budget her needs. Obviously, she doesn't sound like the most responsible person, but that comes from somewhere, right? Surely, your husband had a role in her upbringing. Give her the money and don't try to control her. It's too late for that.

She is 19. Immature. She'll figure it out as she goes if she has a good head on her shoulders. I think PP is being harsh. Dont you remember being 19?

[Anonymous]

Okay, going to take a totally different tact here. First of all, I am a stepdaughter. Granted, I have known my stepmom for much longer than you've known yours, but still. Five years, especially when she was a kid for some of that time, is long enough to love one another and be "real," right?

Second bit of background; I JUST went through something similar when my brother's girlfriend had a baby. It was so incredibly frustrating for me, because when I had my baby I was actually kind of sad that we didn't have any family to "hand us down" something that had been another baby's and felt a bit guilty about buying stuff to use for just a bit.

But, another PP nailed it (I think) when she realized with kindness that new parents are susceptible to the whole registry thing. They see it as a chance to buy or get things for their child that they cannot afford themselves. To many young parents, this seems practical. They want to give their child "the best," and this is their shot at it.

Of course, as a mom, you know that "the best" does not have to cost 700 bucks. You also know how terribly, terribly hard it is going to be when they inevitably run out of money at some point; or they worry they'll be evicted, or she or her boyfriend need to work two jobs to keep their family going. (you also know that her registering for a cheaper crib won't avoid all of that, though, right?)

I think as a loving parent figure (forget stepmom, etc - you obviously love her, right?) you need to step in and guide this new young mom. Your opinions may not be appreciated but I think you are within bounds to say "honey, don't be offended. Let's think about this registry you are setting up and how you can maximize things for it. If you pick a few things that we can loan / give you, and prioritize your registry by seeing if there are cheaper alternatives, you will actually get more for your money. And you can still get nice things. Maybe you could show her alternatives. For instance, one of the things we thought we HAD to get was the Ouef Sparrow crib; but we found a big box knock off that was a full thousand dollars cheaper and looks just as good or better. (And thank god, considering our baby refused the crib and we ended up being one of those cosleeping families, and the crib became a pricy cat-bed and diaper repository...but that's another story!)

Anyway, the bottom line is that your stepdaughter has a long road ahead of her. Her baby shower really needs to be about fun, and beautiful things. And it absolutely can be. But it's not that likely that anyone else is going to help to guide her in making some practical decisions. Just don't go too far with it. It's not like someone who would buy your stepdaughter a 200 blanket would write her a check for that amount instead, so you just need to roll with the fact that your stepdaughter will ask for and get some higher end stuff. And that's fine. What's not fine is for her to not have any idea that it is NO BIG DEAL if she gets an excellent condition used bouncy seat or whatever.

Anyway, lead with kindness and you'll be okay. Also, I agree with others - do not buy her a crib she doesn't want without asking first. That's not cool and cannot possibly start things off the way you want. I'd be sooo offended if someone did that; and I'm a practical gal, too. But, you might wait until nobody else has bought it and then say, ___, we were going to spend about 800 bucks. I see you don't have X, Y, Z and will need it. We can probably spend 300 bucks on this crib, which looks a lot like the one you picked out and then have money left over for Y and Z. Then buy her something extra on top of that. If you can.

This post is SOOOO long and I never got back to my bro and his girlfriend, but I took the approach I recommended to you with them and they actually did listen and change some stuff on their registry. Many new parents-to-be just get too excited by the thought of "free" stuff that they go way overboard. She'll figure it out.

Good luck and congrats!

[Anonymous]

23:11 - LOVE the step daughter post! Great job! NP here. OP, take PP to heart.

Also, I wanted to say I was far from 19 and I would have loved, loved, loved to have a mother figure step in and say this is what you really need, and this is what is hype. Same for the wedding, but I digress. Point is, wouldn't it be great to have supposrtive instead of critical people who let's face it, hate themselves?

She is lucky to have you OP. Enjoy the new baby and be sure to share whatever you can in the most loving way possible.

[Anonymous]

Don't buy her the crib. I wanted mostly new infant things when I was pregnant (at age 39), but she's got to get realistic. She will figure out soon enough how lucky she is to have access to your kids' used stuff. Buy her mostly useful but a little bit of fun/frivolous stuff from her registry. Registering for gifts is always halfway an exercise in fantasy anyway, so don't focus so much on how many "useless" things she has on there. (By the way, I had a winter baby and the wipes warmer someone gave us turned out to be really great!)

[Anonymous]

Will she be nursing? The teens mothers I have known didn't do so. Perhaps nursing and pumping was more of a responsibility than they could handle and/or they weren't receiving the support they needed to do so? I would echo PP's LC session idea, or maybe a pump or other BF supplies.

[Anonymous]

That's "teen mothers."

[Anonymous]

If the father and the biological mother have tried to talk her out of an extravagant registry and she has declined I honestly dont think it is a good idea for the stepmother to push her advice yet again. It could strain their relationship. I think it is very common for young mothers to want everything new for their baby whether they can afford it or not and they just have to deal with that even if they think it is a mistake. She will realize it eventually. I think one nicer gift on the registry plus the gift certificate sends a supportive message and keeps the door open for her later if she needs help once she realizes her missteps.
I just think risking relationships or straining them right before a new baby arrives is a bad idea. Especially with a young mother who is bond to need some assistance whether she can see it now or not.

[Anonymous]

Don't get her the crib. 6 months of diapers and wipes ordered through Amazon sounds like a great idea. I would go with that, along with a less expensive and more practical registry item. She sounds a little clueless about money, like most 19 year olds and I can't judge her too harshly for that. I remember being 19 and treating my stafford student loan money like it was nothing- blowing through it at the college bookstore, buying stupid crap for my dorm room. If only I had any sense that I would still be paying for it a decade after graduation. She is going to be in for a pretty big awakening when the baby gets here and will have to grow up a lot whether she wants to or not- I think you will be doing a bigger favor for her in the long run by getting her something practical like diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just give her a cash gift or gift card and some practical items, like diapers and wipes. She can determine what she wants to do with the money. Let her budget her needs. Obviously, she doesn't sound like the most responsible person, but that comes from somewhere, right? Surely, your husband had a role in her upbringing. Give her the money and don't try to control her. It's too late for that.

She is 19. Immature. She'll figure it out as she goes if she has a good head on her shoulders. I think PP is being harsh. Dont you remember being 19?

I do. I was still a virgin.

[Anonymous]

Op here again--thanks again all. I teared up at some of the comments--yes, I love her and she is great, but young and a bit immature. I like the idea of a few things for the shower and then pick up the essentials after we see what else she got.

And, yes, she plans to breastfeed and did register for a PIS. That may be anothe way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again--thanks again all. I teared up at some of the comments--yes, I love her and she is great, but young and a bit immature. I like the idea of a few things for the shower and then pick up the essentials after we see what else she got.

And, yes, she plans to breastfeed and did register for a PIS. That may be anothe way to go.

PP Here (stepkid myself, with the younger brother and brother's girlfriend who had a baby and the overlong post). I actually bought my brother's girlfriend a PISA and then, while trying to help them with breastfeeding, learned from a WIC peer -counselor that WIC will give a breastfeeding mother a PIS free of charge. Find out if your stepdaughter is eligible for this before you spend money on it. IN fact, there are lots of supplies that WIC will help with. Very few women know how to take advantage of the WIC program fully and think it is just about food. The program is limited but it does help. My brother and his girlfriend get food from WIC, WIC helped with babyfood, etc. A really helpful thing to do for her would be to sit down and figure out how the program can help her in a supportive way, making sure you don't let her think that it's a negative thing to get the assistance. It's for moms like her.

WIC also has a peer counselor program and will support lactation consultants, depending on your area. My brother's GF is in Pittsburgh and the support they provided was amazing. She actually ended up formula feeding after a while, but she did have lots of support options early on. Unfortunately, we didn't know about many of them until she already had some breastfeeding problems. So learning about what the program offers can be really helpful BEFORE baby gets here!

(On a separate subject I wish WIC offered healthier foods, but baby steps are in order here).

Anyway, congrats and have fun with your stepdaughter. You sound like a really loving person.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it. Set a budget that you feel is appropriate and stick to it. Give her a gift certificate to the store if you want so she can put it towards what she wants.

Don't enable her. Don't offer to babysit all the time. No more partying for her.

[Anonymous]

A crib may or may not be useful in the future. My DD used her crib maybe a half-year. Before that, she was in a bassinet next to my bed, and after she rejected her crib, she has been on the floor for a year. An expensive crib is an awful waste. How about another big ticket item like a car seat, which is on the other hand, a must-have? I love the idea of the Amazon subscription to diapers/wipes on top of this if you really want to spend $700. There is nothing cheaper than Amazon for these products, so this will maximize what little money they have.

Keep the used items in storage if you have the space. She may want them when she comes to her senses. I had only a few hand-me downs when DD was born, but lots of new clothing items to last me til about 6 mos. Then I was on my own and discovered consignment sales! We can afford new items too, but it seems so wasteful to buy new so she could use it for only a few months. And babies don't care.

You seem like a very caring lady. Ignore the rude comments, and please don't try to push sense into her if it has already been tried. Just be there when she needs pulling up again [and she will!]. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I did like the comment that the shower should be fun and a chance to get awesome thinsg, you could not usually afford nor would you buy under a practical mind set. How about a stroller. I can see spending $$$ on a great stroller (my stroller was not $700, but I LOVE my BOB). You get the wow factor at the stroller for something that actually warrants the price tag!

[Anonymous]

She is a first time mom and she doesn't know. I would buy her a gift card to Target or Babies R Us and let her buy what she wants. I wanted new stuff too but that doesn't make me greedy and impractical. I didn't turn down hand me downs though!