We just need to buy her the crib, right?

[Anonymous]

My wonderful step-daughter is 19 and pregnant. We have had a good relationship since I have known DH--now 5 years. DH and I have 2 under 2. She is pregnant, not married but living with her boyfriend (and another roommate, but that's another whole story) and not working. She was sick a lot in the beginning and had to quit her job since she could never get there on time, and never got another one and its too late now, she is due in 7 weeks. Her boyfriend, whom we also like, has a decent job for his age (21) and the job has benefits so thats good. The shower is this weekend and she did the registry with her mom. She is registereing for a crib that cost more than both of my little ones cribs cost combined, and then more. Also, lots of "useless" baby stuff (bottle warmer, wipe warmer, little pouch to hold 2 diapers and some wipes for outings, etc.). I want to say--you have no job and haven't worked for 9 months--be frugal!--but I have always been the easygoing stepmother and would never do that.

We have offered her all of the baby stuff we have outgrown--infant seat, exersaucer, bouncy seat, swing, etc. (all in excellent condition) and she said she prefers to have new stuff. I also have clothes, sleep sacks, blankets, etc., more than one person could use and asked her if she wanted to look through it and take the things that she likes and she just said--bring it all over because I really don't feel like looking at it now.

DH and I want to help her, but he thinks her registry is ridiculous and that we shoulf get her practical stuff only, like diapers. I am leaning toward getting her the crib that she loves, even though we could buy a lot of other things that she will need with that amount of money. We both do not want to get her anything new that we already have offered her used since that seems like such a waste.

What would you do? No step-mother bashing please. I tried to include details that I think might be questions that people would have. I think she is just a little silly about some of this stuff but, I admit, I am extremely practical.

[Anonymous]

Do not buy her an expensive crib.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do it. I think the comment about how she 'prefers to have new stuff' is totally obnoxious and shows how ungrateful she is. I wouldn't get her a gift as extravagant as the crib - likely no one else will, either, and she'll realize how unrealistic it is to have new, top-of-the-line everything for virtually anyone, let alone an unemployed teen mom. Your heart is in the right place, but encouraging her will just lead to her acting even more entitled.

[Anonymous]

Is this real? She's a teenager with no job, no husband and she's doesn't want your perfectly good baby items? My inclination would be to get her the crib and also have your DH sit her down for a little conversation. I would try and include her mom in this conversation if things are amicable between you. First on my list of topics would be birth control so that she doesn't immediately get pregnant again because - guess what - she probably will and you'll be stuck with all of them in your house.

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one. It sounds like she is very excited by all the material trappings that can (but not necessarily should) come along with a new baby. It's sad. It sounds like she will be hitting a great big ol' wall of reality when the baby is born and it's not all about having shiny new stuff. I say if you can afford it, get her the crib. It's a nice gesture, and the reality of it all will be hitting her soon enough.

[Anonymous]

I would not buy her a crib or give her a gift certificate, get her basics (diapers, wipes etc) even if they are not on the registry. Her attitude is totally nuts. I understand that you are not comfortable talking to her about her financial choices, but I think your DH should give it a shot - what does he think.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should get her the expensive crib. Buy a crib, but buy one that is practical and safe.

She needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to buy her a crib. She will realize soon enough how much she needs more important things and then she will wish you had saved some of your money to help her with "real" things. I would buy her a smaller "indulgent" item like an expensive outfit or a cute diaper bag, because you want to give her something nice that's not just desitin and pampers, but I wouldn't waste hundreds of dollars on a fancy crib.

All that being said, try to resist the urge to be the know-it-all been-there-done-that mommy. Your step-DD and her boyfriend are adults and they need to make their own financial and childrearing decisions. Just because she registered for expensive silly things doesn't mean she would go out and buy them on her own, but she probably knows that a lot of people don't want to bring diapers to a baby shower. And this is probably her only chance to get a few of the adorable things we all like to have when we can. I would urge her to keep the receipts for everything and not take things out of the boxes until she's sure she's going to use it, but I wouldn't tell her that X or Y item is a waste.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to get caught up in the whole "newness" of things and I wouldn't hold it against her, she's young and perhpas too, doesn't like your taste. Regardless, I think you should pass on the crib unless its the type of crib that becomes a toddler bed and then headboard/bedframe. If it is one like this, then if you have the money I'd buy it. If its just a fancy crib and nothing more, I'd pass, perhpas buy the matress and a few other things that she will really need, diapers, wipes, car seat, burp clothes, etc.

[Anonymous]

Tell her the offer for your used stuff remains if she doesn't get everything off the registry. Remind her of your offer after the baby arrives.

Do not buy the crib. But don't buy her a crib she hasn't approved of, either. She doesn't need a crib right away. If no one buys her the crib and you want to later, you can give her a budgeted amount or send her a few photos of decently priced ones that match her taste. J. C. Penny has a surprising number of nice cribs in modern styles, as does Target.

[Anonymous]

This is hard, because when I was pregnant I wanted all the bright and shiny new baby stuff too. However, I was 38 and had a HHI of 400K so I could afford it. Even with that - I bought I $400 crib because I knew that it was INSANE to spend $1000 on a crib. And, I didn't buy any of the bottle warmer crap.

However, I also didn't use any of the hand-me downs that my friends offered, and I kick myself for that. I wish some of my friends had said that I really didn't need a brand new everything.

[Anonymous]

Middle ground: buy her a crib - not the one she wants but something similar in terms of style and fill it with other new but very practical stuff - a crib full of diapers, wipes, burp cloths, bibs, towels, wash clothes, other bathing supplies, bath toys, teething toys - in other words anything that needs to be bought new.. make the total approximately equal or exceed the total that would have been the cost of the crib alone. Add a teddy with cute bow in pink or blue to make it cute. Add in sophie the giraffe.... maybe teh bath products could be some mustela products....

This way you are generous but not wasteful.

I agree with no buying anything that you offered her second hand.


Also remember that she is young and probably read some on line list of things to put on the registry which is why there are wipe warmers, etc. on her list. BTW I really liked my bottle wamer - I used it for the jar food and my husband used it to warm breastmilk bottles..... and if we admit it, even the most practical among use probably have some questionable baby stuff!!

How much does she want to spend on a crib anyway?

[Anonymous]

I chalk most of this up to immaturity.

I would not get her the crib. I would get her a gift certificate in an appropriate amount. If she chooses to waste it on something stupid like an over-the-top crib, or a new exersaucer when you offered her a perfectly good but slightly used one, that is her foolishness and later it will be her problem when she can't afford other items she needs. After the shower is over and the gifts stop flowing in, she is eventually going to realize that all this baby stuff costs money and that since she has no job and no income, she needs to spend wisely and consider accepting used items that are offered to her, or she will go without.

Since her mother was the one who helped her select this crib, let her mother buy it for her.

[Anonymous]

No way. I wouldn't buy her the crib.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people survive off hand me downs. She should look into Freecycle and Craigslist.

seriously - 19 and not capable of supporting herself

Why enable that BS?