Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

[Anonymous]

I was SAHM and kind of still am. I started doing PT work around the time my twins (convenient! ) went to K. (Would have loved to have 3-4 kids. Very fortunate to have two.) They are in HS now and I still mostly do PT (but since i bill at more like a consultant or contractor rate I do ok even PT and I do have some months I do work 30-40 hours/week).

But as far as being sole breadwinner - sure for those years, but I brought the assets - condo that had increased in value $200k in a short time, car, 10 years of contributing to 401k, good skills that could re-enter the workforce. Managed our rental property, avoided paying for daycare. One of the kids also has some special needs that required a LOT of appts when little and that would have been very stressful to balance of both were working full-time.

When making the decision to leave a job I loved, my husband supported me either way. After several years of my being SAHM, he really swung to seeing the benefits.

We are DCUM “poor” - only one home, one car, decent retirement and 529s. We definitely sacrificed but we loved it.

[Anonymous]

When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

OP here.
Is it unreasonable for a woman to want to be a SAHM? This is only during the kids early years. Why don’t men find it mutually beneficial?
Should I just give up on that wish?
Where did all SAHM here find men who didn’t find it unreasonable?

You need to date men who share your values, particularly on family and early childhood care. Dh and I met when we were 20 and didn't have kids until 36. In the intervening years, we discussed and prepared for me to sah. Even though I worked and saved for many years, it was a sacrifice to live on one income. We both wanted our kids cared for by us, especially for the first 2 years. I don't regret a day I spent at home with my kids. I met many parents who worked part time and/or flex schedules to minimize day care time and maximize family time. I think that is a good compromise IF the father also wants to care for the kids. That way, you keep a foot in the working world.

[Anonymous]

Find a man whose mother was a (good) SAHM. Kind of rare for our generation but they’re out there. I found one! And all his mother’s sons except 1 have spouses that stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, don't listen to all the women here who were sold a bill of goods by radical feminism and want you to repeat their mistake of not taking care of their own children by being SAHMs during the children's early years. You need to ask for what you want. You did. Very clearly. Your guy was incompatible. Because he's been brainwashed too. It's better for the kids by far for the mom to SAHM at least for the early years and maybe longer. Yes that means your husband has more pressure and you might not have money for everything you would like to have during those years. So be it it's very strange that these weird women claim to be feminists. Except when another woman wants to make a life choice that causes them to feel the regret that they want and need to stay buried deep to avoid massive congitive dissonance.

Oh FFS. OP has gotten plenty of good advice here. Advice like "Learn math" and "Make a rational argument that addresses the man's concerns". Oh these awful feminists, they're such meanies for saying these things!

+1. It doesn't matter whether other women here think it's a good idea or not, she's having trouble finding a man who wants this, and she doesn't understand why.

Easy one, because she's stupid

And men don't want to have kids with a stupid woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

LOL! It was much easier to have a SAHM 45 years ago. Who doesn’t know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

It must be sad for your husband that he didn't parent his children himself and will regret this on his deathbed.

[Anonymous]

Understanding that men and women are different, with different strengths they use to better their family, is part of sharing the same values. If you believe that men and women are equally called to nurture small children, then staying at home isn’t for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

OP, do you come with built in family support so your future husband never has to worry about losing his job?

[Anonymous]

I always wanted to make my own money because I was very scared of not having economic independence and choices if I became a SAHM. I married the right partner for me - an amazing man who has supported and been an equal partner in all decisions of our employment+childcare and has worked with me.

When we had our second kid, we were in our late 30s and financially in a good place so power dynamics shifting within a marriage was not an issue if I became a SAHM. By that time, we had been with each other for 18 years. We had already thrown money on getting all kind of support - cleaning, lawn, cooking - etc but BOTH OF US felt that we did not have a lot of time with each other and our kids were having a very frantic life. We felt bad when we had to make our kids go to camps or daycare etc. So, DH asked me if I could stay back (I was making 1/3rd of his income by that time, so my DH would not leave his job). Meanwhile, when we started making good money, we also had a lot more deliverables and stressors at work.

We had always been very careful with money and we had made sure that our fixed costs and subsequently COL was quite low, since the beginning of our marriage. So, it was technically possible for me to stay back. However, I did not want to leave my career (where I had clawed my way up) and then have to come back after a few years and start from bottom again. I always wanted to work and it was part of my identity and I also had solid credentials. While I had changed careers three times to accommodate moving for my DH's career, I did not want to do it once again.

The conversation then moved from me being SAHM for a few years to being a SAHM forever. My ask was very simple - I wanted x amount of money every month, I wanted our kids college (4 years of in-state tuition each) sorted and I wanted our retirement taken care of. If my DH could do that, + have no expectation of me ever going back unless I wanted to, + I could continue having the support structure (cleaning lady, yard work, part time cook) then I would look into that.

Now, my DH had also seen how difficult it was for both of us to juggle life, work and childcare so he was begging me to become a SAHM and understood that it would be a career sacrifice for me. While we had a good amount of money, the demand on our times was impacting our personal life in a big way. On top of that, both of us are devoted parents and wanted our kids to have the comfort and security of having a SAH parent. Something which was available to both of us when we were growing up. We both were totally against someone else raising our children.

So, while I was somewhat unhappy to leave a promising career at that time for some time - the time with my kids was precious. In our case, the intangible benefits of a super educated and dedicated mom has been tremendous for my kids and I am quite happy with how everything turned out.

Financially - We were insured heavily. DH and I had a number of hefty term life insurance which would have covered me and the kids forever (house, college, med school, wedding, travelling the world, retirement for me) without me having to go back to work ever if something bad happened/. We did not have pre-nup etc, plus my DH has a very good pension. Also, solid marriage, no abuse/addiction/adultery - etc. My DH has always been a green flag.

In our case, we did not start off our relationship with me wanting to be a SAHM. We were married for 15 years and been together longer than that, when I quit for good. It was a career sacrifice that was respected and happened after we became parents and we had money.

But, I also knew my DH since we both were 19, we both grew up together, we did not have emotional baggage or failed relationships, we both were very well educated, we both came from functional & intact families with SAHMs, we had solid marriage. There was a whole lot of history, compatibility, years, trust and love between us. He made sure that I (and kids) was always financially protected - insurance, pension, assets etc.

I think when you ask to be a SAHM when you start dating ... it is a very different mindset and most men would be leery of being with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are men who want this but they might not be attractive to you in other ways.

Men are generally turned off by laziness. It’s a lot to take on the sole breadwinner role in this economy.

Being a SAHM isn't lazy. And you're a dick if you think otherwise.
PS- I work and have a DC.

[Anonymous]

Tell your future spouse to browse the jobs and careers forum and see the tom foolery going down on a daily basis in the DMVs workplaces alone. He will opt to become a stay at home dad for you. There are so many miserable workers out there, I don’t blame you for pushing to become a SAHM, if you get creative enough you will figure it out…and it will highly likely involve a 90-day fiancé or a spouse far away from this metro area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let my DH know on our second date. He was thrilled because he wanted a SAHM wife but women here tend to be so career-oriented he was afraid to scare them off. Ultimately, you are choosing a more traditional marriage (and someone with similar traditional views) than an egalitarian one. There’s pros and cons to both, but similar views lead to a happier, more stable marriage. I would encourage you to make your views known early on in a new relationship.

I have a traditional and a very egalitarian marriage. But, DH and I are from a different culture than the majority US culture. Family is a priority. We both saved a lot before I became a SAHM. So, we did not get into this with our eyes closed.

Today, we are saving for our DD and DIL. When our adult children choose to have children, we will move near them and support them. Our aim is to provide childcare (also employ a nanny to help) and other kinds of support so that the families can thrive and our grandkids can have a good foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband proposed and asked me relocate with him for a professional program, he told me after his degree we would prioritize whatever I wanted to do and if I wouldn't move, he was staying put. My response was I'd support him through the degree and then wanted to stay home with three children. That's what happened. He understood and valued what I saw as my vocation. Would have been equally supportive of me having a career. Married 45 years. Exactly the life i wanted.

Some thoughts: you need to find someone who values you more than money. I don't know how. Others may have suggestions.
You need to have the ability to work if necessary. As with everything, it helps if you have family money/future inheritance.

We were downwardly mobile for 20 years, but were never worried because my family would have been delighted to employ us in a family business. They even made a counter offer to my husband when interviewing for first post grad job.

Didn't buy a house till I got an inheritance. Shared one compact car for decades.

LOL! It was much easier to have a SAHM 45 years ago. Who doesn’t know that?

Maybe so, but none of my high school or college friends became stay at home moms. Most have advanced degrees. I dropped out of law school to get married. None of my husband's professional colleagues had stay at home spouses. My parents worried I'd be bored. In our social group, my choice was unusual. I don't think it's a better choice than being an employed parent. It was just the life I wanted. I hope OP gets the life she wants.