Crazy paternity leave situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

Crazy for what, being upset? She's divorcing this guy, what difference does it make? I mean, if she had found this out and it was shaking up her marriage, then ok, deal with it. But who cares now that they're divorcing anyway? One more reason to be rid of this guy.

For what it's worth, I think your friend is directing her emotional energy into this singular thing because maybe it feels easier than focusing on the bigger issue of her divorce and future life. This is a red herring right now, she should spend her time on more important things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you’re allowed to take it doesn’t mean it won’t reflect negatively on you, especially if you’re a male in the workplace. He should not have lied to her, but I can completely understand not wanting to take it.

Probably this. Ours was in the NICU for weeks. DH took 5 days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of a newborn is HARD. Many men are not cut out for doing hard things.

This is the correct answer to this thread. Expectations must be kept extremely low. That was Op's friends issue with her husband .

Maybe don't have babies with loser men who can't take care of them?

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal. Who cares. They are divorcing. Irrelevant.

My ex husband planned to take a week. I made him go back after two DAYS. He was worthless and causing more stress staying at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve killed my husband if he stayed home for 12 weeks. I cherished that time alone with my newborn. What on earth did she need him home for 12 weeks for!?

o

You clearly never had a baby with severe colic or endured a birth injury. Congrats. Other women aren’t so lucky.

I am not that OP but I had both of those things plus a baby with acid refllux. I made my exH go back to work after two days. It was harder with him home. I had someone else come over when I needed help (our nanny).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

NP. Not from what I've seen. Dad's normally get 50% now. Honestly a lot of divorced dads really step up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you’re allowed to take it doesn’t mean it won’t reflect negatively on you, especially if you’re a male in the workplace. He should not have lied to her, but I can completely understand not wanting to take it.

This post is part of what is wrong with the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

You know of cases where custody was determined by looking back at how many days of paternity were taken and used? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

NP. Not from what I've seen. Dad's normally get 50% now. Honestly a lot of divorced dads really step up too.

Have you reviewed the law and the case law?

I’m sure some divorced dads “step up.” but if they have been uninvolved prior to divorce and made clear their priority was work, then they absolutely run the risk of getting less than 50%. in DC and many jurisdictions, the law specifically says the judge can take into account the history of parenting duties as well as the “sincerity” of the request. And lying to escape helping in the newborn stage will NOT look good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?

We are supposed to believe that this is a big issue for her now? Years later? During a divorce?

First off, the family courts won’t care.

Second off, you are saying he lied about it? Surely he lies all the time to look or feel better so this is just one example of many.

Next, yes white collared jobs with clients do a mix of things for taking actual leave or not. Up to the couple to take it when over the first 12 mos of when eligible. Some do a week or two right away, or after the grandparents guests leave.c or after the wife’s 12 weeks fml, or before the new nanny shows up, or whatever or only 1 or 2 weeks. Same with women.

Oh I think a family court might care if a dad lied to cut short his paternity leave. It’s probably part of a pattern of him avoiding caregiving duties. Although I stuck it out with my ex for several more years, I would have had an airtight case for getting much more than 50% physical custody based on his complete disinterest in being an active parent to a baby. He was actively avoiding it by claiming to “work late.”

R u nuts?

Why are they even going to court and not mediating?

And no, divorce court doesn’t care if someone never used up their vacation days or benefits or leave long ago or even last year.

You barely have a point OP. And you clearly aren’t old enough to observe how it plays out in real jobs at real employers post covid.

I’m a PP not OP. And yes in allocating physical custody a court will absolutely consider which parent has been the active parent. Dads who did everything they could to avoid parenting (including lying about their leave) will have a hard time showing they are entitled to 50-50 especially for small kids. And again someone millions of moms figure out how to hold down jobs and parent.

Not sure what state you are in it 50/50 is the default for anything unless physically abusing the child, not other spouse.

Lying or forgetting about unused paternity leave ain’t a needle mover.

Hope your lawyer helps you or if they’re milking you hope you run out of money fast.

That’s not true. If a dad has not been actively involved in parenting (to the extent he lied about paternity leave) then this is good evidence that the best interests of the child are to stay with the mom more than 50% of the time.

You know of cases where custody was determined by looking back at how many days of paternity were taken and used? Really?

I know that there are cases where the dad’s history of uninvolvement impacts custody time - and this is expressly a factor for the DC courts to consider. Obviously using deception to evade paternity leave would be something a judge would likely take note of.

[Anonymous]

She should be upset at the deception. He is a jerk that didn't care about his kid or wife at a critical time. DH got 2 weeks and took it when the baby was born. Then at 4 months spent his hard earned month of PTO to stay home with the baby while I went back to work as a childcare transition. He did that for both kids and really bonded wit them as babies and understood what it's like to take care of a completely helpless being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should be upset at the deception. He is a jerk that didn't care about his kid or wife at a critical time. DH got 2 weeks and took it when the baby was born. Then at 4 months spent his hard earned month of PTO to stay home with the baby while I went back to work as a childcare transition. He did that for both kids and really bonded wit them as babies and understood what it's like to take care of a completely helpless being.

I’ve always thought this was a great way to do it.

Frankly in the offices I have worked in, we would probably think less of a dad who did not take a considerable portion of his leave. It doesn’t actually reflect well on him as a person or show the ability to handle your workload.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of a newborn is HARD. Many men are not cut out for doing hard things.

This is the correct answer to this thread. Expectations must be kept extremely low. That was Op's friends issue with her husband .

Maybe don't have babies with loser men who can't take care of them?

OP didn't say HHI and whether they hired a nanny. Bring home money is taking care of them.