Problematic drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's driving, have him arrested, it's far better than having him kill somebody. If he's abusive at home, again, have him arrested. Record him when he's drunk, you will need to get custody of the kids. It's possible he can be "fixed", but more likely when you leave you'll be wishing you had done it long before.

isn't this crazy suggestion like you don't live with someone you love. There are much better and compassionate ways of doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Out of curiosity, where does he do the drinking, what stokes his binging? Or is it totally random? Is this at home? Only during golf season while playing with pals? During and after work trips?

Kind of random - a family function/bday party, Christmas dinner with family, out with friends, a vacation with friends, a work trip, a random Friday alone after a bad work week, etc.

What is a “bad work week”? He…pulls out of wine at dinner and drinks it himself, without you?

Do you two have a sex life?

Your husband sounds unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Al anon is exactly the group to help you cope with being married to a problem drinker.

OP here again, sometimes it feels dramatic of me to think of going to Al Anon because my set up is mostly good.

You will find you're not alone in thinking that.

Look, to be this sounds really problematic and it's bothered you enough that you're posting here. I think you should consider talking to someone and Al-anon isn't a bad place to start.

True, but I keep thinking maybe it's a "me" problem, like maybe I am too uptight or something.

That is what AlAnon is for. The spouse always thinks they can save the drinker or if they. Did something differently the drinker wouldn't start.

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is progressive. There could very well be a time where he can't stop and does it every day as he uses it as a coping mechanism.

Get therapy, go to Al-Anon, try to not to over-rely on your friends as I wore them out. My spouse finally quit drinking but it took many years. I wish I had been brave enough to leave but I wasn't as I was scared of the financial consequences of being alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Out of curiosity, where does he do the drinking, what stokes his binging? Or is it totally random? Is this at home? Only during golf season while playing with pals? During and after work trips?

Kind of random - a family function/bday party, Christmas dinner with family, out with friends, a vacation with friends, a work trip, a random Friday alone after a bad work week, etc.

What is a “bad work week”? He…pulls out of wine at dinner and drinks it himself, without you?

Do you two have a sex life?

Your husband sounds unhappy.

There were a few times when he had a stressful week at work and started drinking in the afternoon before I got home (not at dinner just like on the couch)
Yes we have a sex life and because he will go months in between episodes it doesn’t affect all aspects of our lives.
Yes we have kids - teens - and he has openly talked about how he is not good at drinking to them… and yet…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

This is pretty common. I have similar feelings towards my mom who stayed. OP will need to think about how she discusses this with her kids. My mom is dead so I cannot ask her questions. But knowing my mom, my bet is she would not have answers that I would like. It would be about how she “luuuvvveed” him and not an answer in which she calculated the risks and thought she could better protect us by staying.

Truthfully, my dad would likely have spent very little time with us if they had split. I probably would have been driven around while he was drunk a lot less. He certainly doesn’t spend much time with his kids and grandkids now that she is dead.

[Anonymous]

Binge drinking, which is a cornerstone of alcoholism. It’s not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's driving, have him arrested, it's far better than having him kill somebody. If he's abusive at home, again, have him arrested. Record him when he's drunk, you will need to get custody of the kids. It's possible he can be "fixed", but more likely when you leave you'll be wishing you had done it long before.

Good Lord, she never said he drives drunk or is abusive. Stop projecting your shit on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Out of curiosity, where does he do the drinking, what stokes his binging? Or is it totally random? Is this at home? Only during golf season while playing with pals? During and after work trips?

Kind of random - a family function/bday party, Christmas dinner with family, out with friends, a vacation with friends, a work trip, a random Friday alone after a bad work week, etc.

What is a “bad work week”? He…pulls out of wine at dinner and drinks it himself, without you?

Do you two have a sex life?

Your husband sounds unhappy.

There were a few times when he had a stressful week at work and started drinking in the afternoon before I got home (not at dinner just like on the couch)
Yes we have a sex life and because he will go months in between episodes it doesn’t affect all aspects of our lives.
Yes we have kids - teens - and he has openly talked about how he is not good at drinking to them… and yet…

Are you transparent with him and your kids that he is an alcoholic and you are staying with him because “x, y and z?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

This is pretty common. I have similar feelings towards my mom who stayed. OP will need to think about how she discusses this with her kids. My mom is dead so I cannot ask her questions. But knowing my mom, my bet is she would not have answers that I would like. It would be about how she “luuuvvveed” him and not an answer in which she calculated the risks and thought she could better protect us by staying.

Truthfully, my dad would likely have spent very little time with us if they had split. I probably would have been driven around while he was drunk a lot less. He certainly doesn’t spend much time with his kids and grandkids now that she is dead.

I have a lot of open and honest conversation conversations with my kids. Part of that conversation is that we have been married for over 20 years and for most of that time it’s been amazing. While I feel like their dad is having a few bad years, I don’t know that the right thing to do is abandon him. I also think that both he and I are open with his drinking with our kids, so we aren’t lying to them and we do have a lot of open honest conversations. Honestly, that is the best I can do right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

This is pretty common. I have similar feelings towards my mom who stayed. OP will need to think about how she discusses this with her kids. My mom is dead so I cannot ask her questions. But knowing my mom, my bet is she would not have answers that I would like. It would be about how she “luuuvvveed” him and not an answer in which she calculated the risks and thought she could better protect us by staying.

Truthfully, my dad would likely have spent very little time with us if they had split. I probably would have been driven around while he was drunk a lot less. He certainly doesn’t spend much time with his kids and grandkids now that she is dead.

I have a lot of open and honest conversation conversations with my kids. Part of that conversation is that we have been married for over 20 years and for most of that time it’s been amazing. While I feel like their dad is having a few bad years, I don’t know that the right thing to do is abandon him. I also think that both he and I are open with his drinking with our kids, so we aren’t lying to them and we do have a lot of open honest conversations. Honestly, that is the best I can do right now.

Others have said it and I'm saying it too. Alcoholism is progressive and the distance between binges decreases. Your kids don't want to see their father out of control - ever - it's not ok for them to see it "just once in a while". Please get some help for yourself so you can begin to understand the impact of alcoholism on you AND your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

This is pretty common. I have similar feelings towards my mom who stayed. OP will need to think about how she discusses this with her kids. My mom is dead so I cannot ask her questions. But knowing my mom, my bet is she would not have answers that I would like. It would be about how she “luuuvvveed” him and not an answer in which she calculated the risks and thought she could better protect us by staying.

Truthfully, my dad would likely have spent very little time with us if they had split. I probably would have been driven around while he was drunk a lot less. He certainly doesn’t spend much time with his kids and grandkids now that she is dead.

I have a lot of open and honest conversation conversations with my kids. Part of that conversation is that we have been married for over 20 years and for most of that time it’s been amazing. While I feel like their dad is having a few bad years, I don’t know that the right thing to do is abandon him. I also think that both he and I are open with his drinking with our kids, so we aren’t lying to them and we do have a lot of open honest conversations. Honestly, that is the best I can do right now.

Others have said it and I'm saying it too. Alcoholism is progressive and the distance between binges decreases. Your kids don't want to see their father out of control - ever - it's not ok for them to see it "just once in a while". Please get some help for yourself so you can begin to understand the impact of alcoholism on you AND your kids.

+1

I can tell you from personal experience that being the adult child of an alcoholic has lifelong consequences.

https://adultchildren.org/laundry-list/

If you can't manage to address this for yourself, OP, then address it for your kids' sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Al anon is exactly the group to help you cope with being married to a problem drinker.

OP here. Thank you. I think I keep hoping it will get better but it just repeats itself.

Welcome to being married to an addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Al anon is exactly the group to help you cope with being married to a problem drinker.

OP here again, sometimes it feels dramatic of me to think of going to Al Anon because my set up is mostly good.

Are you kidding me? Do you work? Have any financial freedom? Your situation is AWFUL. Your husband is an adult and he gets blackout drunk? That should bother you a lot. And I drink, so I'm no teetotaler. But he has a serious problem. I think you're trying to convince yourself otherwise.