Problematic drinking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Al anon is exactly the group to help you cope with being married to a problem drinker.

OP here again, sometimes it feels dramatic of me to think of going to Al Anon because my set up is mostly good.

Is it really? These episodes would cancel out any good for me.

+1

Do you have kids? This kind of behavior is disgusting for them to witness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

You're enabling it because you're not doing anything about it. Your words don't work. You have taken zero actions. Also, your kids should be in therapy (and possibly Al-Anon).

You said your husband is DANGEROUS AND MEAN - you think that's ok to allow that around kids?

My husband's father was abusive and his mother did nothing to stop it. I'll let you guess how his relationship with her has been since he moved out of the house. Take care of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's driving, have him arrested, it's far better than having him kill somebody. If he's abusive at home, again, have him arrested. Record him when he's drunk, you will need to get custody of the kids. It's possible he can be "fixed", but more likely when you leave you'll be wishing you had done it long before.

isn't this crazy suggestion like you don't live with someone you love. There are much better and compassionate ways of doing it.

Tell that to the people who were killed by drunk drivers.

OP, if your husband EVER drives drunk and you do nothing about it, that's on you. I have zero tolerance for drunk driving - talk to anyone who has ever lost someone to it. It is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

+1000

I hope OP is a troll. Someone can't really be this stupid, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH only drinks every few months, but when he does it is almost always bad (he can't stop, is mean, dangerous to himself and others, blackouts, etc), what is this called? Alcoholism seems too dramatic but I know it's problematic. How do I help myself with this? Al-Anon feels extreme because it isn't so often.

Out of curiosity, where does he do the drinking, what stokes his binging? Or is it totally random? Is this at home? Only during golf season while playing with pals? During and after work trips?

Kind of random - a family function/bday party, Christmas dinner with family, out with friends, a vacation with friends, a work trip, a random Friday alone after a bad work week, etc.

What is a “bad work week”? He…pulls out of wine at dinner and drinks it himself, without you?

Do you two have a sex life?

Your husband sounds unhappy.

There were a few times when he had a stressful week at work and started drinking in the afternoon before I got home (not at dinner just like on the couch)
Yes we have a sex life and because he will go months in between episodes it doesn’t affect all aspects of our lives.
Yes we have kids - teens - and he has openly talked about how he is not good at drinking to them… and yet…

I bet he drinks a lot more than you think he does. You should install a breathalyzer on his car ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's driving, have him arrested, it's far better than having him kill somebody. If he's abusive at home, again, have him arrested. Record him when he's drunk, you will need to get custody of the kids. It's possible he can be "fixed", but more likely when you leave you'll be wishing you had done it long before.

Good Lord, she never said he drives drunk or is abusive. Stop projecting your shit on others.

She said he is mean and dangerous to others. Get yourself to AA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - an honest question - how am I enabling if I argue with him and get mad at him whenever it happens? That part confuses me. I don’t drink and I don’t support his binge drinking.
Also I have teens - they seem to see things pretty clearly so I am worried about that but also not as worried bc they see things clearly if that makes sense.

Enabling encompasses more than the drinking. Do you have children in the home, op? I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother. As an adult, I felt more anger toward my father, who could've left and gotten me out of there but didn't.

This is pretty common. I have similar feelings towards my mom who stayed. OP will need to think about how she discusses this with her kids. My mom is dead so I cannot ask her questions. But knowing my mom, my bet is she would not have answers that I would like. It would be about how she “luuuvvveed” him and not an answer in which she calculated the risks and thought she could better protect us by staying.

Truthfully, my dad would likely have spent very little time with us if they had split. I probably would have been driven around while he was drunk a lot less. He certainly doesn’t spend much time with his kids and grandkids now that she is dead.

I have a lot of open and honest conversation conversations with my kids. Part of that conversation is that we have been married for over 20 years and for most of that time it’s been amazing. While I feel like their dad is having a few bad years, I don’t know that the right thing to do is abandon him. I also think that both he and I are open with his drinking with our kids, so we aren’t lying to them and we do have a lot of open honest conversations. Honestly, that is the best I can do right now.

Your bar is so low it's in hell.

[Anonymous]

You should also look into AlaTeen and encourage your kids to consider it. It might really help them to hear others’ stories. Also, have you told them it is perfectly ok to tell their friends and other supportive people that their dad is an alcoholic and the behaviors that upset them? The secrets are part of what messes people up.

I grew up not feeling like I could tell my dad that he was an alcoholic and that I was not getting in the car with him. I definitely didn’t think I could tell my grandmothers or other people. One of the things I’m proudest of is that I am 99% sure that my kid would fight tooth and nail before she would get in the car with me or my husband if we had been drinking. And there is nothing in our house that happens that is a secret. While I might prefer her not to tell people how much money we make or that we talk about poop all the time — there are no big secrets.

FWIW — my dad was a nondrinker until I was 16 years old. The first 16 years don’t make up for the absolute toxicity that entered our house once he became an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

That husband of yours is an alcoholic.
He needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should also look into AlaTeen and encourage your kids to consider it. It might really help them to hear others’ stories. Also, have you told them it is perfectly ok to tell their friends and other supportive people that their dad is an alcoholic and the behaviors that upset them? The secrets are part of what messes people up.

I grew up not feeling like I could tell my dad that he was an alcoholic and that I was not getting in the car with him. I definitely didn’t think I could tell my grandmothers or other people. One of the things I’m proudest of is that I am 99% sure that my kid would fight tooth and nail before she would get in the car with me or my husband if we had been drinking. And there is nothing in our house that happens that is a secret. While I might prefer her not to tell people how much money we make or that we talk about poop all the time — there are no big secrets.

FWIW — my dad was a nondrinker until I was 16 years old. The first 16 years don’t make up for the absolute toxicity that entered our house once he became an alcoholic.

+100

I have a friend who is an alcoholic and she foolishly thought her kids didn't notice... It finally all came out at a party on Halloween when her fourth grader yelled at her that they had to take an Uber home because she was way too drunk to drive. Kids notice everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alcohol Use Disorder

which is alcoholism

Alcohol Use Disorder is the updated term (per the DSM-5).

[Anonymous]

I guess the part that makes me pause on doing anything is that it only happens a few times a year, so it feels dramatic of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess the part that makes me pause on doing anything is that it only happens a few times a year, so it feels dramatic of me.

You started this thread two weeks ago. You resurrected it today. Clearly you know this is more than "problematic" and chances are he drinks a lot more than you or he will actually admit. You have kids at home. You are letting them grow up in an alcoholic household. No one is saying you need to pack up and leave immediately. Most are saying you need AlAnon and or therapy to get a handle on how this is affecting you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess the part that makes me pause on doing anything is that it only happens a few times a year, so it feels dramatic of me.

You started this thread two weeks ago. You resurrected it today. Clearly you know this is more than "problematic" and chances are he drinks a lot more than you or he will actually admit. You have kids at home. You are letting them grow up in an alcoholic household. No one is saying you need to pack up and leave immediately. Most are saying you need AlAnon and or therapy to get a handle on how this is affecting you and your family.

Well I just got to thinking about it today again, I feel so conflicted. I think because I grew up in a blue collar city with lots of alcohol it makes me feel dramatic because everyone drank to forget. But I feel like times have changed and that isn't as normal, but my blue collar beer drinking dad would call me a wimp lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess the part that makes me pause on doing anything is that it only happens a few times a year, so it feels dramatic of me.

What happens in those few times? He gets annoyed when his team loses, passes out, and throws up in the morning? Or calls you names and punches holes in your drywall?