Help husband and I settle a huge argument over where to move!

[Anonymous]

If the husband's friends aren't willing to accept OP as a "real" member that is a showstopper right there.

Off the top of my head, McLean or Vienna or Falls Church seem to be the best areas -- they are relatively in-between the family in Bethesda and the friends in Ashburn (that'll be visited maybe 2-4 times a month), and close to the top (that'll be done every day). For example, you can get a rambler for $500k in Vienna and spend $200k doing some sort of addition.

[Anonymous]

Beware of resale value in a new expanding community. In 10 years, your bought-new house just won't hold value if someone puts in a new subdivision 2 miles over. I grew up in the great suburban sprawl of Virginia Beach. When a cheaply constructed neighborhood gets old, it slums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may want to look at this from another angle. People who like to do things at home will enjoy a larger house and bigger yard.

People who like to go out and do things will appreciate closer services and not end up using the house and yard. People who don't want to deal with the hassles of going out will dislike the space constraints of a small house and yard.

Do you want lots of free time in the backyard and a playground set? Would you prefer going to a public or neighborhood park?
Would you prefer to have friends over, turn on the grill, and eat outside while the kids play? Would you prefer to meet up at a restaurant, get a sitter, and have an adults night out?
Do you enjoy privacy and would you like just relaxing in your house or backyard? Would you find this boring?

I also think that people who are more minimalist..ie they do not buy alot of stuff do better in smaller homes. In a larger home, you have room and you will accumulate more stuff. This is good for shoppers and people who like stuff but a disaster in a small house.

I agree with this. We bought in close-in neighborhood in NovA known for it's incredible 'walkabilit to everything/and blocks from Metro. All of our neighbors are ppl with young kids and similar idea of loving to be out and walking vs in a car or a gigantic home/backyard. It is a very social neighborhood with people that get a sitter for a group of kids while adults walk to restaurants/bars for a couple of hours on the weekends. The ppl are of a similar 'type'. If you are more a city person and move to Ashburn you'll hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You may want to look at this from another angle. People who like to do things at home will enjoy a larger house and bigger yard. People who like to go out and do things will appreciate closer services and not end up using the house and yard. People who don't want to deal with the hassles of going out will dislike the space constraints of a small house and yard.

Eh, we're total homebodies and that's why we like the smaller house, closer in. We can walk to things we need, we have a commute that lets us spend time at home, and those tiny lots? Mean that we have lots of friends in the neighborhood who come to our tiny house (or invite us to theirs). You don't need a huge yard to spend time outside.

I haven't read this whole thread, so I don't know if this has been covered, but the first pp quoted is dead on. You should really think about those points and how they fit into your life. The second pp in bold-- sorry, but you don't sound like "homebodies" at all. The things you described are exactly the reasons for living closer in. A homebody is someone that would grill at home instead of going out for dinner. But I'm glad your home works for you.

[Anonymous]

This may have been said already, but what about your commute if you go back to work? Either by choice or necessity.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your disagreement isn't about a house but what your lifestyle will be. I suggest rather than location you should decide what you want/need in a house to be comfortable. Also, is this going to be your "forever" house? If he is in sales maybe this is 5-6 year house. If so, figure out which school district you like best b/c once your kids make friends it will be more difficult to move. Also, talking this through with a marriage counselor wouldn't be such a bad idea b/c it's such a major decision and you should figure out a way to compromise w/o becoming resentful. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your disagreement isn't about a house but what your lifestyle will be. I suggest rather than location you should decide what you want/need in a house to be comfortable. Also, is this going to be your "forever" house? If he is in sales maybe this is 5-6 year house. If so, figure out which school district you like best b/c once your kids make friends it will be more difficult to move. Also, talking this through with a marriage counselor wouldn't be such a bad idea b/c it's such a major decision and you should figure out a way to compromise w/o becoming resentful. GL

I this is very good idea. I'm not always an advocate for marital counseling, but it sounds like this decision is a huge one for you all -- perhaps one of the toughest you all have faced yet as a couple. So in my opinion, the "process" matters as much as the result. For example, how can you all communicate most effectively and fairly with each other? How can you look for common ground or neutral criteria . . . or if all else fails, choose between competing priorities with one person having to do most of the compromising without feeling bitter about it? If not handled well, these are the types of decisions that can plant seeds of resentment that bloom later with very bad results ("You were the one who insisted we live in this older house in McLean. And now we have to pay x thousand dollars more for a new roof?! If we bought a newer house in Ashburn we wouldn't have this huge extra expense right now!" Anyway, not to be all doom and gloom, of course/ The other side of the coin is that this decision can be a huge, empowering boost to your relationship if you all can navigate it with good will and a deeper sense of respect for each other.

On the specifics, I agree with the PP who suggested staying in a hotel in Ashburn (near your preferred neighborhood) on a Sunday night and doing the commute to Tysons. I also think you (SAHM) should try to meet some neighbors in the neighborhood that interests you. Maybe pack up the kiddos and head to a Starbucks or playground out there one morning during the week.

Personally, I favor a short commute and close proximity to friends/family/activities for during-the-week playdates with the option of getting together with Ashburn friends on the weekends. It's surprsingly easy to get there on weekends from McLean. It's just the traffic during the week that makes it seem so remote. (For example, I bet if you moved to Ashburn you'd NEVER take the kiddos downtown for an outing or a playdate at a museum or the zoo with friends during the week. But it would be no sweat to go visit your husbands' friends in Ashburn for a Sunday BBQ. The traffic and feel of those drives is like night and day.)

Good luck and be sure to take good care of your marriage as you navigate this issue. If you all come through this appreciating each other's consideration and good sense, it'll be a big win regardless of which type of house/neighborhood/lifestyle you choose!

[Anonymous]

One other practicality: If at some point your husband needs to change jobs from his current one, will he be constrained if you all live in Ashburn? The commute from Ashburn to Tysons is one thing. The commute from there to Arlington or downtown would be a whole other story. It may keep more options open down the road if you were to stay closer in, like Bethesda or McLean.

[Anonymous]

I live in Bethesda (previously in Falls Church) and would definitely stick to Fairfax County or Montgomery Co. for the best schools. It's true that 700K will not get you much around here, though there are some pretty good houses on the market now in the $750K range (we're looking to move too). You might be able to afford more of a house now with the interest rates so low.

Anyway, I would never want to commute from Bethesda to N. Virginia. (The opposite direction isn't so bad though.) It's even worse now with all the beltway construction.

If I were you, I'd look in Vienna or Oakton. Some great family neighborhoods and maybe a good compromise. You'd get more house and lot than a fixer-upper, without going to the extreme of moving way out in the burbs. I definitely would NOT move to Ashubrn, despite the bigger house for your money. I think something in between could work. Maybe even Potomac, near the river by MacArthur Blvd. or Clara Barton Parkway. At least then you'd be just one exit from the bridge to VA, yet near Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in Bethesda (previously in Falls Church) and would definitely stick to Fairfax County or Montgomery Co. for the best schools. It's true that 700K will not get you much around here, though there are some pretty good houses on the market now in the $750K range (we're looking to move too). You might be able to afford more of a house now with the interest rates so low.

Anyway, I would never want to commute from Bethesda to N. Virginia. (The opposite direction isn't so bad though.) It's even worse now with all the beltway construction.

If I were you, I'd look in Vienna or Oakton. Some great family neighborhoods and maybe a good compromise. You'd get more house and lot than a fixer-upper, without going to the extreme of moving way out in the burbs. I definitely would NOT move to Ashubrn, despite the bigger house for your money. I think something in between could work. Maybe even Potomac, near the river by MacArthur Blvd. or Clara Barton Parkway. At least then you'd be just one exit from the bridge to VA, yet near Bethesda.

I posted earlier about my commute from Bethesda to McLean. This is the way I go, either Canal to Chain Bridge and up 123 to Tysons or Clara Barton Pkwy to 495. I've always thought that it was a reverse commute because I very rarely hit traffic except on 495 on the way home but I'm only on it for a couple of miles (back to Clara Barton) so its not that bad.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually spoken to the SAHM in Ashburn? This board tilts DC/ close in suburbs so the opinions are a bit biased. You may find charming homes, people and activities in many of the areas people are demonizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in Bethesda (previously in Falls Church) and would definitely stick to Fairfax County or Montgomery Co. for the best schools. It's true that 700K will not get you much around here, though there are some pretty good houses on the market now in the $750K range (we're looking to move too). You might be able to afford more of a house now with the interest rates so low.

Anyway, I would never want to commute from Bethesda to N. Virginia. (The opposite direction isn't so bad though.) It's even worse now with all the beltway construction.

If I were you, I'd look in Vienna or Oakton. Some great family neighborhoods and maybe a good compromise. You'd get more house and lot than a fixer-upper, without going to the extreme of moving way out in the burbs. I definitely would NOT move to Ashubrn, despite the bigger house for your money. I think something in between could work. Maybe even Potomac, near the river by MacArthur Blvd. or Clara Barton Parkway. At least then you'd be just one exit from the bridge to VA, yet near Bethesda.

Unfortunately, homes in this area are well over $700K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the input. We are not looking to move until the summer (currently renting and that's when our lease runs out) and so we haven't started hardcore looking yet, more just feeling each other out and trying to agree on where to look come spring. Every one has made good points, I agree with so many of you. 12:45 really nailed it. We each prefer such different properties that I'm worried the other will be resentful when we finally decide one way or the other. Since our preferences are soooo different, I was kind of hoping to let the money do the talking- whichever is the best long term financial decision will take precedence. I don't know. It stinks that we are so divided on this. Thanks again, all the insight has been so helpful!

If you are honest with yourself I'm sure you knew that the "best long term financial decision" was also the one that would support your preferences. So I think it's kind of unfair to use that as a tiebreaker. It's certainly an important piece of the puzzle but of course this is not solely a financial decision. If it were, you'd pile your whole family in a one-bedroom apartment and save your money for investments more lucrative than real estate.

[Anonymous]

One thing to consider is what you can reasonably expect in terms of your family's finances in the future. Obviously everyone hopes to make more money as time goes on, but if your DH stays on his current career path is that likely to lead to a significantly higher income in the next 5-8 years? Are you planning on going back to work? Can you expect any financial assistance from family? Do you have student loan payments that will end? If it's more likely than not that your finances will improve in the coming years, that weighs in favor of the small house because you will actually be able to afford to do the renovations you're talking about, and if you really end up with a lot more money you could buy a bigger house in the same neighborhood without changing schools.

Of course, you have to be happy with the house when you move into it, but if you're thinking of making improvements or changes you have to consider how realistic it is that you will be able to afford to make the changes you envision. Big renovations are insanely expensive and very difficult to live through, especially with kids. A middle-of-the-road smallish kitchen renovation is going to be $50K at a bare minimum, much more for nice appliances or other bells and whistles. Figure a starting point of $150K for any kind of addition. If you think you can realistically expect to be able to afford these thigns, and you are willing to live through the hassle, that weighs in favor of the small house. If you're going to spend the next 20 years hating your kitchen and finally be able to renovate it when your last kid finishes college, you may want to consider sacrificing some other benefits for a more "done" house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I agree that McMansions are scary, at 700K even in Ashburn the OP is not talking about a McMansion. The term McMansion for me means those huge houses that fill every inch of lot in Bethesda overshadowing the nice well designed rambler someone is about to tear down.

We did move further out, not Ashburn, but an area with very big lots and more house for the money. I do love the big lot and it is peaceful. The kids can play outside for hours. I also like having a more open house layout with larger rooms that accomodate comfy furniture. Its nice that everyone can be in the kitchen when we cook or the kids can be doing something at the table.

where did you move where the lots are big? I keep finding newer houses with yards that are SO small, and I'm interested in finding a newer house with a larger yard.