Is this deliberate or what is going on?

[Anonymous]

This isn't the solution to everything, but if you have middle schoolers - every person does their own laundry. Train your kids. Do your own laundry and towels/sheets (or train kids to). Up to DH to do his own.

Kids can help you with kitchen duty. In our house, the kids switch off by months. I do help them or do it many times, but I know whose responsibility it is and the expectation is that they are the ones who load/unload and wipe the counters. It doesn't take long. (We do it by month so I do not need to keep track of whose turn it is.)

Agree with another that making the bed and shoes in the walkway aren't a big deal. Do it when it bothers you. THey're quick tasks when needed.

It sucks, but you take on the school emails etc. That is something that can have a bigger impact if things are missed, so just accept that.

Big picture - you have to make sure your kids are taking care of themselves and helping you, because it doesn't seem like DH will.

If you don't want to go nuclear over it, I would throw money at the problem - more paid help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

I dunno, should the father of the house be needed to Do Stuff? And need a special request and list for his own house?

Worse, sounds like he was Doing Stuff; hence all the problems like leaving the stove on all night, half—assing the dish washing, and slopping down wrong names on flight bookings.

What kind of list helps this sort of person or problem?

Would the above be indicative of how he’d handle his 50% custody time? Or is he just calling it in because his wife’s in the house that weekend busy on other family things and out of spite?

I vote it’s deliberate.

[Anonymous]

This is too much. I’d planning my exit.

[Anonymous]

Do you cook for him and do his laundry? If so, I would stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you cook for him and do his laundry? If so, I would stop.

Yeah, he needs more practice burning the house down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

NP. It means he mindlessly washed or rinsed the pan and when someone goes to put it away they feel grease all over one or more side.
Or he put the non greasy plates into the greasy pan, haphazardly washed them, and everything needs to be rewashed before the grease spreads again to more clean dishes.

My dh did idiotic stuff like this and it was infuriating. He isn’t stupid and we agreed to split chores. When he would wash dishes he would never wash the bottom of them and it would be disgusting to see old spaghetti sauce smeared all over everything. One kid had food allergies and sent a thermos of hot food most days to school for kid. I realized he wasn’t washing the lid and I noticed the inner lids of the thermoses were covered with furry mold. I lost it at him. Our kid had health issues and seeing that kid was getting a dose of mold every lunch set me off. I had it out with him and after that any time he did something like that again I’d interrupt whatever he was doing and make him fix it. He learned quickly. I make him remedy the problem. If he talked to me like ops dh did, I’d give it to him full bore. We’d be in counseling and if he didn’t change I’d consider divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

NP. It means he mindlessly washed or rinsed the pan and when someone goes to put it away they feel grease all over one or more side.
Or he put the non greasy plates into the greasy pan, haphazardly washed them, and everything needs to be rewashed before the grease spreads again to more clean dishes.

Her entire list is a litany of complaints about HOW he does things. I promise you to the degree he's doing things "deliberately" it's because he's fed up with feeling criticized. It's a common dynamic. Especially if OP is Type A.

There's an old expression: You can ask someone to do something or tell them HOW to do it. Do both and you're asking for trouble.

Dude, he does things like $hit. I’d be worried it’s only a matter of time before he loses his job.

Glad the house didn’t spark and explode with the nat gas on all night in the kitchen.

That was insane. He isn’t henpecked. Even if he has horrible adhd he can learn to function as part of the family Safety issues wouldn’t be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a common slack job.

He expects you to do EVERYTHING to keep the home fires burning - - he may think since you are a woman then that is your job! 😲
Or perhaps he is simply lazy.

Regardless of his reasoning, it is clear that he needs to step up and do more for his family.
A LOT more.

You have every right to expect him to contribute and if he is in turn, trying to make you feel at fault for it then he is also very selfish ➕ wholly immature.

I would issue him an ultimatum here > either he steps back into the real world & start doing his part or you will leave him.

I mean, the way I see it….since he is doing nothing now to help the household run smoothly… if you live w/out him then you would still be dealing w/the exact same dynamic.

Wishing you all the best!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

I dunno, should the father of the house be needed to Do Stuff? And need a special request and list for his own house?

Worse, sounds like he was Doing Stuff; hence all the problems like leaving the stove on all night, half—assing the dish washing, and slopping down wrong names on flight bookings.

What kind of list helps this sort of person or problem?[/quote]

Clutch question.

Am curious why he isn’t more concerned about his bottom of the barrel behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has always been a work addict and flakey in the house and with the kids. Nothing has helped and he lashes out if any concern or question is expressed by me or the kids.

But this last weekend was at a fever pitch rate of dumb stuff. I don’t know what to do. This is unsustainable and perhaps he’s doing this on purpose?

What the “solution”, he asks, as he tells me not to get mad or hurt, that nothing is ever his fault, that I am the bad guy who shouldn’t bring this up, nothing matters.

What’s the solution to him:
never making the bed;
not turning the gas stove off,
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children,
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly,
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry,
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table,
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities,
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property?

And this was only the last 48 hours!
What the solution to this??!??

I am bogged down with the middle schoolers, spring break packing, my job, sports tryouts, summer camp & plans. And the day to day (games, parties, shopping, homework help, seasonal stuff), which he also neglects. And if he is asked to do some weekend task, or suddenly has a surge to do a chore finally, the above happens!

What’s the ”solution” for this?

And that’s not even the non-basic stuff — the planning, guidance, reliability, and emotional support everyone expects from an adult with kids.

Yes we have a nanny/housekeeper after school.

If you want to stay married (not sure why you would), then you can take on the things that mean the most to you, hire out some more, and discard the rest. As to your specific problems:

never making the bed; - this is a personal choice, either you make it or don't, or one of you can sleep in the guest room or on the couch?

not turning the gas stove off, - don't have him cook or make sure your insurance is paid up and you have a fire-proof safe

leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, - throw them away if he does it, or choose to move them for everyone's sake

avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children, - you do this so that you don't fail your kids

not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly, - if they're not clean, run them again, but this, like the bed making, is the least of your problems and you ought to let it go

lying about collecting all hampers for laundry, - either do your own laundry and teach your kids how to do theirs if they're old enough or have a service pick up and deliver your laundry

leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table, - you clean it or you live with it dirty

never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities, - you read them and do the necessary things and the rest you let slide

not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and - you book the tickets

never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property? - hire this out or do it yourself

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for. If he overnight turned into a slacker, then maybe there's a brain tumor at play. If not, this is who he is and somehow you're more annoyed about it now than you were before. In that case, know that he won't change and find ways to deal with it.

You could also try talking to him about it...

Lol, sounds like his weekend coup worked!

It's not a weekend coup - OP said he'd always been like this.

I don't get why people don't understand that you have three choices in these situations:

1) Talk to them and see if you can work it out.
2) Decide that you will just do (or hire out) the things you care about and stop expecting anything from them but remain married for whatever you reason is.
3) Divorce

That's it. Everyone wants these men to want to change. Give that a shot with #1. I have a great marriage and I always discuss things with my husband and we work it out so I don't have to go to 2 or 3, but for people where 1 doesn't work, what on earth do you think is your other option? Stop wanting something that won't happen - that's the key to unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

I'm very Type A and I will write a list if we're doing something that I want to do. For example, I enjoy hosting parties and my husband mostly enjoys it as well (he would probably choose to do it less but he always has a good time). However, since I'm the one who wants to host the parties, I'm willing to make a list of all the things that need to be done beforehand, and we will work jointly on the list.

What I am NOT willing to do is write a list of things like washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taking the dogs out - i.e. things that are done ALL THE TIME. Those aren't special occasion items, those are life basics. An grown adult shouldn't need a list to accomplish those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

I dunno, should the father of the house be needed to Do Stuff? And need a special request and list for his own house?

Worse, sounds like he was Doing Stuff; hence all the problems like leaving the stove on all night, half—assing the dish washing, and slopping down wrong names on flight bookings.

What kind of list helps this sort of person or problem?

I don’t know how you can take someone seriously like OP’s husband. Or sleep with someone like that.

He’s beyond incapable and unreliable. I wouldn’t want him as my Power of Attorney for my health decisions nor doing much childcare or “help.” He’s too incapable, a total disaster waiting to happen and then happening.

[Anonymous]

When it comes to life skills, has he always had these Learning Disabilities or is this weaponized incompetence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:these are not big things they're just stupid yet you have time to write this whole thing up and take notes over the weekend. Your wound very tight.

This OP shows up periodically with these types of posts. I find them fun and entertaining and I like that so many other posters play along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has always been a work addict and flakey in the house and with the kids. Nothing has helped and he lashes out if any concern or question is expressed by me or the kids.

But this last weekend was at a fever pitch rate of dumb stuff. I don’t know what to do. This is unsustainable and perhaps he’s doing this on purpose?

What the “solution”, he asks, as he tells me not to get mad or hurt, that nothing is ever his fault, that I am the bad guy who shouldn’t bring this up, nothing matters.

What’s the solution to him:
never making the bed;
not turning the gas stove off,
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children,
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly,
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry,
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table,
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities,
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property?

And this was only the last 48 hours!
What the solution to this??!??

I am bogged down with the middle schoolers, spring break packing, my job, sports tryouts, summer camp & plans. And the day to day (games, parties, shopping, homework help, seasonal stuff), which he also neglects. And if he is asked to do some weekend task, or suddenly has a surge to do a chore finally, the above happens!

What’s the ”solution” for this?

And that’s not even the non-basic stuff — the planning, guidance, reliability, and emotional support everyone expects from an adult with kids.

Yes we have a nanny/housekeeper after school.

Why does he keep wearing huge shoes?

He's the sad clown husband.