Is this deliberate or what is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

NP. It means he mindlessly washed or rinsed the pan and when someone goes to put it away they feel grease all over one or more side.
Or he put the non greasy plates into the greasy pan, haphazardly washed them, and everything needs to be rewashed before the grease spreads again to more clean dishes.

Her entire list is a litany of complaints about HOW he does things. I promise you to the degree he's doing things "deliberately" it's because he's fed up with feeling criticized. It's a common dynamic. Especially if OP is Type A.

There's an old expression: You can ask someone to do something or tell them HOW to do it. Do both and you're asking for trouble.

Dude, he does things like $hit. I’d be worried it’s only a matter of time before he loses his job.

Glad the house didn’t spark and explode with the nat gas on all night in the kitchen.

Then he can be home all the time doing more of it! Pull the plug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has always been a work addict and flakey in the house and with the kids. Nothing has helped and he lashes out if any concern or question is expressed by me or the kids.

But this last weekend was at a fever pitch rate of dumb stuff. I don’t know what to do. This is unsustainable and perhaps he’s doing this on purpose?

What the “solution”, he asks, as he tells me not to get mad or hurt, that nothing is ever his fault, that I am the bad guy who shouldn’t bring this up, nothing matters.

What’s the solution to him:
never making the bed;
not turning the gas stove off,
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children,
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly,
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry,
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table,
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities,
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property?

And this was only the last 48 hours!
What the solution to this??!??

I am bogged down with the middle schoolers, spring break packing, my job, sports tryouts, summer camp & plans. And the day to day (games, parties, shopping, homework help, seasonal stuff), which he also neglects. And if he is asked to do some weekend task, or suddenly has a surge to do a chore finally, the above happens!

What’s the ”solution” for this?

And that’s not even the non-basic stuff — the planning, guidance, reliability, and emotional support everyone expects from an adult with kids.

Yes we have a nanny/housekeeper after school.

If you want to stay married (not sure why you would), then you can take on the things that mean the most to you, hire out some more, and discard the rest. As to your specific problems:

never making the bed; - this is a personal choice, either you make it or don't, or one of you can sleep in the guest room or on the couch?
not turning the gas stove off, - don't have him cook or make sure your insurance is paid up and you have a fire-proof safe
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, - throw them away if he does it, or choose to move them for everyone's sake
avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children, - you do this so that you don't fail your kids
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly, - if they're not clean, run them again, but this, like the bed making, is the least of your problems and you ought to let it go
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry, - either do your own laundry and teach your kids how to do theirs if they're old enough or have a service pick up and deliver your laundry
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table, - you clean it or you live with it dirty
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities, - you read them and do the necessary things and the rest you let slide
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and - you book the tickets
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property? - hire this out or do it yourself

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for. If he overnight turned into a slacker, then maybe there's a brain tumor at play. If not, this is who he is and somehow you're more annoyed about it now than you were before. In that case, know that he won't change and find ways to deal with it.

You could also try talking to him about it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The solution is always to have one child so as to not have to rely on spouse. Making him pay for household help is another one. No you won’t make him an organized, responsible adult. He hates you and your nagging

Um no, the solution is to have NO children with someone like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why you had kids with this child

+1

He's always been flaky and a workaholic so what were you expecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has always been a work addict and flakey in the house and with the kids. Nothing has helped and he lashes out if any concern or question is expressed by me or the kids.

But this last weekend was at a fever pitch rate of dumb stuff. I don’t know what to do. This is unsustainable and perhaps he’s doing this on purpose?

What the “solution”, he asks, as he tells me not to get mad or hurt, that nothing is ever his fault, that I am the bad guy who shouldn’t bring this up, nothing matters.

What’s the solution to him:
never making the bed;
not turning the gas stove off,
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway,
avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children,
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly,
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry,
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table,
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities,
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property?

And this was only the last 48 hours!
What the solution to this??!??

I am bogged down with the middle schoolers, spring break packing, my job, sports tryouts, summer camp & plans. And the day to day (games, parties, shopping, homework help, seasonal stuff), which he also neglects. And if he is asked to do some weekend task, or suddenly has a surge to do a chore finally, the above happens!

What’s the ”solution” for this?

And that’s not even the non-basic stuff — the planning, guidance, reliability, and emotional support everyone expects from an adult with kids.

This would be laughable if it wasn’t true or happening on the regular.

I can’t believe he isn’t concerned as well.
But to double down, blame OP, and tell her to find a solution to his personal mistakes is a more concerning and damaging reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

Are you serious? Do you need an actual answer? It means WASH THE GREASE OFF WITH A SOAPY SPONGE INSTEAD OF MAKING ALL THE OTHER DISHES IN THE SINK GREASY, I.E. CREATING EVEN MORE OF A PITA ASS TO DEAL WITH FOR THE PERSON TAKING CARE OF IT FOR YOU. Was that exhausting for you to read, you poor thing? It's more exhausting to be cleaning up after people who make your work harder and then act like YOU are the problem than it is to simply rinse the damn dishes like an intelligent adult. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why you had kids with this child

+1

He's always been flaky and a workaholic so what were you expecting?

He became “flakey with the house and kids” so when did those factors enter the picture and cause him to devolve so severely?

Not marriage material that’s for sure, not that they had a house. kids and multifaceted schedule during dating or the engagement.

[Anonymous]

To screw up all weekend and then turn around and say what’s the solution?, is really something.

Sounds like a real piece of work narcissist.

So yes, that frequency of mess ups and BS response is deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

Are you serious? Do you need an actual answer? It means WASH THE GREASE OFF WITH A SOAPY SPONGE INSTEAD OF MAKING ALL THE OTHER DISHES IN THE SINK GREASY, I.E. CREATING EVEN MORE OF A PITA ASS TO DEAL WITH FOR THE PERSON TAKING CARE OF IT FOR YOU. Was that exhausting for you to read, you poor thing? It's more exhausting to be cleaning up after people who make your work harder and then act like YOU are the problem than it is to simply rinse the damn dishes like an intelligent adult. Grow up.

You sound seriously disturbed with the yelling. You don't have to live this way. There are medications that can help you with your mental illness. See a professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

Means someone needs to redo the dish washing, he did such a poor lazy job at it many things are still dirty and disgusting.

The bigger solution is get rid of un-housebroken dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The solution is to stop being so rigid about things. For example, "not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly." What does this even mean? Do you have some mentality where you supervise to be sure he does things "properly."

You have a man who's tired of being henpecked. Maybe examine yourself. You sound exhausting.

Are you serious? Do you need an actual answer? It means WASH THE GREASE OFF WITH A SOAPY SPONGE INSTEAD OF MAKING ALL THE OTHER DISHES IN THE SINK GREASY, I.E. CREATING EVEN MORE OF A PITA ASS TO DEAL WITH FOR THE PERSON TAKING CARE OF IT FOR YOU. Was that exhausting for you to read, you poor thing? It's more exhausting to be cleaning up after people who make your work harder and then act like YOU are the problem than it is to simply rinse the damn dishes like an intelligent adult. Grow up.

You sound seriously disturbed with the yelling. You don't have to live this way. There are medications that can help you with your mental illness. See a professional.

Ooh, did someone get fall for your baited willful ignorance question? What makes a greasy pot greasy!?!
Boo hoo. Better luck next time Pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To screw up all weekend and then turn around and say what’s the solution?, is really something.

Sounds like a real piece of work narcissist.

So yes, that frequency of mess ups and BS response is deliberate.

Agree
Agree
Agree

Plan your exit OP, then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has always been a work addict and flakey in the house and with the kids. Nothing has helped and he lashes out if any concern or question is expressed by me or the kids.

But this last weekend was at a fever pitch rate of dumb stuff. I don’t know what to do. This is unsustainable and perhaps he’s doing this on purpose?

What the “solution”, he asks, as he tells me not to get mad or hurt, that nothing is ever his fault, that I am the bad guy who shouldn’t bring this up, nothing matters.

What’s the solution to him:
never making the bed;
not turning the gas stove off,
leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children,
not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly,
lying about collecting all hampers for laundry,
leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table,
never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities,
not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and
never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property?

And this was only the last 48 hours!
What the solution to this??!??

I am bogged down with the middle schoolers, spring break packing, my job, sports tryouts, summer camp & plans. And the day to day (games, parties, shopping, homework help, seasonal stuff), which he also neglects. And if he is asked to do some weekend task, or suddenly has a surge to do a chore finally, the above happens!

What’s the ”solution” for this?

And that’s not even the non-basic stuff — the planning, guidance, reliability, and emotional support everyone expects from an adult with kids.

Yes we have a nanny/housekeeper after school.

If you want to stay married (not sure why you would), then you can take on the things that mean the most to you, hire out some more, and discard the rest. As to your specific problems:

never making the bed; - this is a personal choice, either you make it or don't, or one of you can sleep in the guest room or on the couch?

not turning the gas stove off, - don't have him cook or make sure your insurance is paid up and you have a fire-proof safe

leaving his huge shoes in the kitchen walkway, - throw them away if he does it, or choose to move them for everyone's sake

avoiding all parenting/ disciplining of the children, - you do this so that you don't fail your kids

not washing or stacking greasy dishes properly, - if they're not clean, run them again, but this, like the bed making, is the least of your problems and you ought to let it go

lying about collecting all hampers for laundry, - either do your own laundry and teach your kids how to do theirs if they're old enough or have a service pick up and deliver your laundry

leaving food & grease & debris all over the kitchen & table, - you clean it or you live with it dirty

never reading his emails/texts from the school or coaches or doctor or kid activities, - you read them and do the necessary things and the rest you let slide

not putting his wife’s legal name on a flight booking, and - you book the tickets

never identifying needs or taking care of your house & property? - hire this out or do it yourself

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for. If he overnight turned into a slacker, then maybe there's a brain tumor at play. If not, this is who he is and somehow you're more annoyed about it now than you were before. In that case, know that he won't change and find ways to deal with it.

You could also try talking to him about it...

Lol, sounds like his weekend coup worked!

[Anonymous]

You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're type a and hard to be around. Give him a break. If you need him to do stuff write a list out.

I dunno, should the father of the house be needed to Do Stuff? And need a special request and list for his own house?

Worse, sounds like he was Doing Stuff; hence all the problems like leaving the stove on all night, half—assing the dish washing, and slopping down wrong names on flight bookings.

What kind of list helps this sort of person or problem?