Getting clarity on wedding invite- what is reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people so weird about communicating with siblings. “Sis, I need to know if the kids are invited or not since I have to plan international travel. If I don’t know for sure they are coming by x date, I will just come alone. And if mom and dad are pissed I don’t bring the kids, I’m pointing them your way.” And then you both roll your eyes about what a pain in the butt your parents are.

There’s no need to guilt trip her. She’s not responsible for OP’s relationship with her mom. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if your sister didn't already say yes, it's a no.

No, it's a childless adult who is oblivious to the complications and wants to defer deciding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan to go by yourself. Your mother will get over it.

Yeah, mom shouldn't be a consideration in this decision.

Is Mom funding the wedding? Mom doesn't expect to see her own grandkids at a celebration involving the extended family? What kind of children are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already asked your sister and she gave you a wishy washy answer, that is essentially a no. If she wanted your kids there, there wouldn’t be any question.

I don’t understand the people telling you to reach out again. It seems pretty clear to me. Sure, you can confirm that you’re coming out alone, and then gauge her response. But pleading your case is not going to go over well. Just know that.

You can make whatever decision you want based on that.

It's just not ok for sister not to provide an answer to such a simple question.

[Anonymous]

Going to a wedding alone sounds like a dream until there are wedding photos taken without the nieces/nephews/spouse (i.e., family) in them. Expect drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your sister, absolutely reasonable to talk to her.

"Sis, I know you want to wait to gauge numbers for your B list, but I need to know so I can book flights to attend. Please let me know if Janey and Joey are invited and I will book accordingly."

I wouldn't even give a deadline. It's absurd to send save the dates and not have a clear idea on if the people who RECEIVED SAVE THE DATES are invited. What a bullshit way of planning a wedding.

I think this is a great way to phrase it
My guess is there is an A list and B list and that only the A list receives the save the dates. I've never been asked to RSVP for a save the date though and I'm guessing most guests haven't either.

It's sooo clear she's being tacky and doing a B list.

The point of a B list is that people aren't supposed to know theyre on a B list. You don't send them a save the date and say "we hope we get enough declines so your family can come". It's so gross.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell her that because of flights, you need a firm yes or no early on. She probably does not realize this.

[Anonymous]

B list should be separate families or couples, not members of the households being invited.

[Anonymous]

I think if you send a save the date to someone and then don't invite them it is ridiculous. So I'd tell your sister that you (or you and husband or you and husband and kids depending on how specficially the save the date was addressed and that due to the cost of international travel and (if relevant) the need to pull your kids oout of school that you will book your arrangements by X date and if there are any changes to the invite list that it would be wonderful to let you know by then. *of course prefix this with a few sentences about your sister, ask her how she doing, wedding plans, tell her how much you love the colors of the save the date, whatever* then just do what you can. Your mom will live, or will make the arrangements (and payments) for you if she doesn't like what normal humans can do. Congrats to your sister and I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to explain the expense side and she needs to decide. Give her a date that you must know if they are invited or not. If she can’t decide, then you can tell her you will not be bringing them and your mother will have to get over it.

This X10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are people so weird about communicating with siblings. “Sis, I need to know if the kids are invited or not since I have to plan international travel. If I don’t know for sure they are coming by x date, I will just come alone. And if mom and dad are pissed I don’t bring the kids, I’m pointing them your way.” And then you both roll your eyes about what a pain in the butt your parents are.

There’s no need to guilt trip her. She’s not responsible for OP’s relationship with her mom. Geez.

I’m just trying to reflect how I think pretty normal siblings interact. They both know mom is a pain and roll their eyes. My sibling would think this was funny not a guilt trip. I just don’t get people tip toeing around siblings assuming they have a nontoxic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your sister, absolutely reasonable to talk to her.

"Sis, I know you want to wait to gauge numbers for your B list, but I need to know so I can book flights to attend. Please let me know if Janey and Joey are invited and I will book accordingly."

I wouldn't even give a deadline. It's absurd to send save the dates and not have a clear idea on if the people who RECEIVED SAVE THE DATES are invited. What a bullshit way of planning a wedding.

I think this is a great way to phrase it
My guess is there is an A list and B list and that only the A list receives the save the dates. I've never been asked to RSVP for a save the date though and I'm guessing most guests haven't either.

It's sooo clear she's being tacky and doing a B list.

The point of a B list is that people aren't supposed to know theyre on a B list. You don't send them a save the date and say "we hope we get enough declines so your family can come". It's so gross.

I feel like you should figure out what kind of celebration you want -- with or without children, and then plan that celebration. If you need to do A list and B list then close family goes on the A list. You don't B list your own nieces and nephews just because they're children.

If you have friends or colleagues who make the A list but you don't have a relationship their kids, then excluding or B listing those kids seems different than A listing your own nieces and nephews.

I think the question OP needs to answer is whether she'd rather travel with or without her kids.

If you like the idea of doing this childfree, and then let your sibling know that you made arrangements without kids and won't be able to add them.

If you're on the fence, maybe tell your sibling "I need to make the reservations now. I'm happy to do this with or without them, but I need to know one way or another by X date."

If you really want to bring them, maybe look into childcare in the destination country for just the ceremony and reception time. Maybe ask your sibling for help with that. If your parents are there, maybe ask them for help.

If I was invited to an international wedding, and I couldn't bring my kids, or find childcare, I wouldn't go. An international trip is a huge deal for my budget. I might be able to affod one every 10 years. I would choose a trip I could bring my kids on, over one where I saw someone get married. So, I would say "I'm sorry, I can't make it due to childcare reasons. If it turns out later that you have room for the kids, I can see if there are still affordable tickets at that point. Just let me know."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm all about no kids weddings, but nieces and nephews should be automatic invites. That's really strange, especially since there's only 4. Wouldn't they be ring bearers and flower girls? It's one thing to not invite cousin's children or your friends' children because you likely don't know them well, but you have a real relationship with your nieces and nephews. My kids would be really upset to not be invited to their aunt's wedding, even my son. We have small families though, so it's not like there's 25 nieces and nephews being invited.

If I were you, I'd book the plane tickets. Couldn't you leave them with your siblings' kids if they really aren't invited to the wedding?

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all about no kids weddings, but nieces and nephews should be automatic invites. That's really strange, especially since there's only 4. Wouldn't they be ring bearers and flower girls? It's one thing to not invite cousin's children or your friends' children because you likely don't know them well, but you have a real relationship with your nieces and nephews. My kids would be really upset to not be invited to their aunt's wedding, even my son. We have small families though, so it's not like there's 25 nieces and nephews being invited.

If I were you, I'd book the plane tickets. Couldn't you leave them with your siblings' kids if they really aren't invited to the wedding?

Nope.

Not inviting any kids is fine. Putting your nieces and nephews on the "b" list is not cool.

What OP should do depends on whether traveling with the kids or leaving them behind appeals to OP more. I agree that even if they can't go to the wedding it would be nice to see the cousins!

[Anonymous]

Grow some balls. "Maddie, we need to book tickets by May. Can you please let us know before then if the children are invited so we know if we need to find childcare and/or pay for flights?"