Getting clarity on wedding invite- what is reasonable?

[Anonymous]

My sister is getting married next fall. Travelling to the wedding will involve international travel for us (this is not a destination wedding, we live in different countries right now). It's during the school year so would involve pulling the kids out of school. My understanding is that it will be a smaller venue, and since we have a large extended family and they have a lot of friends, I reached out to confirm that kids will be invited. I was expecting a yes/no answer but instead got a vague answer along the lines of "probably but I need to gage how many adults will attend first," based on save the date responses. FWIW, our other siblings has kids too, between us there are 4 nieces/nephews total, all between the ages of 4-10. They think that ultimately engaged sister will include the nieces/nephews, which I think is likely as well, but they are driving distance so don't need to plan anything right now, whereas we need to book flights. I'd like to book flights while fares are reasonable but there is no point in pulling them from school and travelling as a family if ultimately my kids aren't invited, I would just go on my own. However my mom would be furious if they WERE invited and I didn't bring them, I’m not sure she even knows it’s a possibility they won’t be. I'm not sure if my sister is just clueless or playing some weird mind game, but is it reasonable to tell her I need to know X months out one way or another? I really wonder how well she'll be able to gage the responses from save the dates to begin with…..

[Anonymous]

Tacky. I swear I hate all this wedding drama with family. My son's girlfriend did not get invited to my nephews wedding because they were not married or engaged. They were in medical school and living together at the time. It really hurt her feelings.

Anyway, you need to bring up what you said about flights to your sister. And it's only TWO extra people who are immediate family. I'm sorry your sister is being a bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

I have never responded to a save the date. Did they ask you to? Seems more like an invite.

She won't know how many folks will be there from save the date.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible your mom is pressuring her to include kids and she doesn't want to? Does her fiance have kids on his side too?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to explain the expense side and she needs to decide. Give her a date that you must know if they are invited or not. If she can’t decide, then you can tell her you will not be bringing them and your mother will have to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never responded to a save the date. Did they ask you to? Seems more like an invite.

She won't know how many folks will be there from save the date.

Yeah I've never heard of this either.

[Anonymous]

I thought other cultures were so loving, tolerant and close? How can this be happening? Weddings are all about the big families including kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to explain the expense side and she needs to decide. Give her a date that you must know if they are invited or not. If she can’t decide, then you can tell her you will not be bringing them and your mother will have to get over it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's prioritizing adult RSVP's over children.

You will have to wait and decide who all attends from your family.

[Anonymous]

So you say "we can't RSVP unless we know, and we need to know before by this date in order to book travel, so if you don't confirm by then, we can't make it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister is getting married next fall. Travelling to the wedding will involve international travel for us (this is not a destination wedding, we live in different countries right now). It's during the school year so would involve pulling the kids out of school. My understanding is that it will be a smaller venue, and since we have a large extended family and they have a lot of friends, I reached out to confirm that kids will be invited. I was expecting a yes/no answer but instead got a vague answer along the lines of "probably but I need to gage how many adults will attend first," based on save the date responses. FWIW, our other siblings has kids too, between us there are 4 nieces/nephews total, all between the ages of 4-10. They think that ultimately engaged sister will include the nieces/nephews, which I think is likely as well, but they are driving distance so don't need to plan anything right now, whereas we need to book flights. I'd like to book flights while fares are reasonable but there is no point in pulling them from school and travelling as a family if ultimately my kids aren't invited, I would just go on my own. However my mom would be furious if they WERE invited and I didn't bring them, I’m not sure she even knows it’s a possibility they won’t be. I'm not sure if my sister is just clueless or playing some weird mind game, but is it reasonable to tell her I need to know X months out one way or another? I really wonder how well she'll be able to gage the responses from save the dates to begin with…..

You need to have a conversation with her again. Let her know you are fine either way. Do you think she doesn’t want kids and feels guilty? Or is she not a decisive person normally? If she is still wishy washy, Gently let her know you need to make your reservations now and as it stands, you are going to make arrangements for your kids to stay home. Would you be upset if your other nieces and nephews ended up going to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Just go alone. Save money and school days.

What a gift—an international trip alone! I would jump at it. I love my family but traveling alone, I could do cartwheels through the security line. A few nights alone in a hotel!

[Anonymous]

I'm all about no kids weddings, but nieces and nephews should be automatic invites. That's really strange, especially since there's only 4. Wouldn't they be ring bearers and flower girls? It's one thing to not invite cousin's children or your friends' children because you likely don't know them well, but you have a real relationship with your nieces and nephews. My kids would be really upset to not be invited to their aunt's wedding, even my son. We have small families though, so it's not like there's 25 nieces and nephews being invited.

If I were you, I'd book the plane tickets. Couldn't you leave them with your siblings' kids if they really aren't invited to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

If you have someone to watch the kids, then book tickets for you and your spouse. If not, then just you.

[Anonymous]

but is it reasonable to tell her I need to know X months out one way or another?

100%, that's what I would do.