elderly parents won't accept outside help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control.

This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in

+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time).

I understand and I don’t blame you for not wanting to move her.
However I had to move my almost 80 yo parent closer to me and it was a huge change. Luckily he wasn’t very socially engaged in his hometown either, so it wasn’t too bad. He tried guilt tripping me into being his new friend, but I refused. He is now in a couple classes at the senior center and does a lot of his own shopping. I visit him weekly for about an hour or so. I mostly don’t think about him at other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 70s and refuse to get housekeeping services. The thought of trying to secure all our financial and tax info and valuables is more exhausting than scrubbing tubs.

Literally no one cares about this...unless you keep gold bars lying around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 70s and refuse to get housekeeping services. The thought of trying to secure all our financial and tax info and valuables is more exhausting than scrubbing tubs.

Literally no one cares about this...unless you keep gold bars lying around.

Different poster who spent many hours helping my parents make their place ready for caregivers. Financial and tax info makes it easy to do identity theft. Soem elderly like my parents kept records on paper for decades and they didn't want us taking it to a shredder. Once you get it down to what you need to keep, you can get lockup containers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, sometimes the worst thing has to happen before they open their eyes. It's really sad and scary, but if they won't listen you can't force them.

+1, this is where I am now. My dad has been in the hospital 8 weeks (3 separate visits) in the last 3.5 months, he thinks he's fine. We've been told this is our next 2-5 years... back and forth, on and off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you know your mom best. Some people, though, do fine with meeting new people, at age 70, 80 or 90. They may complain about the new environment. Mostly because it's all they have to talk about and oddly it's how they bond with others.

Yes I could see commissserating as a bonding experience! The issue is she hasn't made a new friend in over 25 years (and why would she, she has a few almost life-long friends at home, so I get that). But she has been saying she wants to join certain clubs at home for over 2 decades, and she has never done it. She has expressed interest in learning an instrument for over 20 years, but has also never done so. I worry if she can't even find social outlets in the place she has lived her whole life, why would she do it in a brand new place? I think she would spend all her time alone at home watching tv and trying to do whatever we are doing all the time (and for many reasons, it wouldn't be good for me or my family to be her only social outlets, but I also know we have to do something at some point. I wish she had moved part-time when we asked her to)

[Anonymous]

How long have your parents owned their home? Would there be a huge profit on it. After my mom passed I realized one reason she didn't want to sell her home was because of the capital gains she would have had to pay. She was also overwhelmed by the vast amount of stuff accumulated in her home.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I feel your pain. My dad is really failing but either he or my stepmother or both (its unclear) refuse to consider help. He's fallen 4-5 times now in the past few months and he is so phyiscally incapacitated cannot get up by himself, and she can't pick him up (she's 80 and about 90 lbs) so they call a neighbor or the fire department to help pick him up. He's had two recent seizures, uses a walker/shuffles, and was recently in the icu and rehab for a month, and generally is in poor health.

the issues not not money--they have tons of it. She doesn't like people in her house at all (including us-we have always stayed in hotels when we visit), she thinks they will mess up her stuff. They have grudgingly put grab bars in the bathroom but the house is still really cluttered so it's hard to navigate and its unclear whether my dad is using his walker appropriately. She also complains however that my sibling doesn't do enough to help (probably true, but my dad hasnt' exactly been there for us for the years...). Of course they refuse to consider assisted living, so basically, one of these days my dad will fall again and go to the hospital again, and maybe he will, or maybe he wont, come out. I've begged them to consider at least 4 hours a day--someone who could help my dad shower, tidy up, maybe bring in the garbage, etc, and also be with him when she wants to go out...but at a certain point, they've made their bed. I've already been the prime caretaker for my mom (who did move to AL and then MC near me), I only have so much energy now. My dad at one point said maybe he should go to AL but then she shot it down, however she gets angry at him for his incapacity, and its just all hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

We are your folks age and years ago got a wonderful person to one once a month from a friend who was at a much higher income level and general wealth level. Now she cone with her MIL to help out every other week. It takes the heavy side of housework out.
You could easily put financial and legal papers in a locked file drawer and if there is jewelry if value in a small safe. It is too bad when parents out adukt children under so much

[Anonymous]

My screen froze so could not edit. I meant parents putting adult children under needless pressure. How they can’t see that getting help
especially if they can afford it will help them live as they choose for longer in many cases. We are likely more aware of what we need as we have a daughter who resides with us with a cognitive disability. Currently it is to track down a snow removal service for next year after the winter we have had!

One aspect in planning options in considering a CCRC is to clearly ask how many are on the waiting list. I was speechless to learn from a new arrival to our area that the prime one folks talk about she was told had over 600! This really changes the options for so many as there is limited area to expand number of units. Few want to leave their lovely IL units to go to AL so bring in help as needed. It is just important to get figures and policy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control.

This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in

+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time).

I disagree with it being too late. My parents, in their late 80s, just moved to a retirement community. It's been wonderful for their social lives as people there are very friendly and eager to meet the new folks. They are asked to dinner about 4x a week in the dining room and see people throughout the day. It's been great. And with my dad's Alzheimer's, my mom is grateful to have other people nearby and an immediate outlet for when she needs to get out of their apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control.

This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in

+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time).

I disagree with it being too late. My parents, in their late 80s, just moved to a retirement community. It's been wonderful for their social lives as people there are very friendly and eager to meet the new folks. They are asked to dinner about 4x a week in the dining room and see people throughout the day. It's been great. And with my dad's Alzheimer's, my mom is grateful to have other people nearby and an immediate outlet for when she needs to get out of their apartment.

That's great to hear! Not all parents, especially in their 70s, are willing to move to a community with supports (I'm making the assumption that the retirement community is a form of AL). My parent wants to buy a condo in a city. They weren't going to meet anyone that way, based on what I know about them.