elderly parents won't accept outside help
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Anonymous
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Many of us are taking care of our elderly parents and facing issues. We need to learn from them and start taking steps from the time we turn 60 for our own old age. Here is what I have learned.
1. Minimize your belongings. Declutter. Sell. Donate. Gift. Downsize material belongings. Give the heirloom pieces to your children and other relatives now. My aim is to be fully organized before I am 62. 2. Reconfigure your home. Grab bars in toilets. Lifts. Convert easily accessible spaces into elderly bedrooms and bathrooms. 3. All legal papers in order. Finances in place. Will and Trust in place. Advanced directives in place (this should happen way early) 4. A plan discussed with your children. 5. Have cleaners, landscapers, handyman, barbers, nurse etc - on call. 6. Make sure that you are exercising, eating well, current with your medical checkups and have a vibrant social network. |
Anonymous
Our experience was the doctors who work with elderly a lot had names of case managers, social workers, etc. they recommended. There are services where you hire a contact person to assess and check in, they can keep track of all medical info, advocate at doctor's appointments, get aides and a medical bed, etc. when needed. It's not cheap, but it's probably a lot cheaper than having to miss work, fly out, rent a car, prep meals for the fridge if your husband works too late to cook, hire someone to help with driving, etc. at home (if you prefer not to take advantage of friends and neighbors). It's one thing if they only have an emergency or 2 each, but our experience is it is many emergencies over the years. Sure, you might feel comfortable accepting some help from friends as you help your parents once, but they have their own sandwich, and I've kept my friends because I value their time and don't impose and feel entitled. Having people hired nearby also cuts down on family drama. That person can communicate the difficult sibling(s)/backseat drivers and you don't have to deal with power plays, old childhood dynamics, etc. And when that emergency happens during some major storm, you have boots on the ground. I have known too many people who did in their own health trying to be the good kid only to find the parents didn't appreciate it, the siblings didn't appreciate it, the spouse was burned out from double duty so many times and the kids were acting out. I also have 2 friends through support groups who predeceased their elderly parents-one from cancer, one from a heart attack. |
Anonymous
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One of the hardest realities of life with aging parents is accepting that people who have capacity to make decisions for themselves are free to make BAD decisions—and they often do.
My advice would be to make sure you have POA paperwork in order, and when/if they do get to a point where they are unsafe and still making those decisions not out of stubbornness but due to symptoms of dementia or the like, then you can intervene. |
Anonymous
No. Those are placement services. And they can sometimes be helpful in giving you a list of facilities in your area so you can know where to start. But just be aware that they will also just blast your name out to every single community so you’ll be inundated with calls from admissions and sales people from those places, and pretty much left to figure out how to choose one on your own. Then the placement service gets a commission like a finders fee from the community if you sign in the dotted line. The kind of agency PP referred to is more like a care management company. These are usually smaller companies that will handle the items that family members typically handle if they lived in town and/or didn’t have full-time jobs. They will help make doctor appointments and assist with vetting senior living communities or in-home caregiver companies or manage financial matters or whatever is needed. As another PP stated, it’s expensive (like $150-200/hr) but most charge in small increments and you can get a good amount of oversight and management for your loved one using this type of service for $800-1500 a month. |
Anonymous
| As bad as it sounds.. sometimes it takes a hip fracture or a brain bleed from a fall to be a wake up call. |
Anonymous
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Similar situation in my family. I have no siblings.
My father has cut my mother off from communication with us since I last saw her late last year. She hasn’t called. A strange man followed us into the restaurant where we ate together last and watched us eating until we left. We only made small talk about my in laws and discussed the movie we saw. Until something catastrophic happens and authorities respond, legally, there is nothing you as the adult offspring can do. Sad but that’s the reality. |
Anonymous
Sounds like a threat |
Anonymous
In case of a disaster the hospital will identify open rehab beds. I’d learn to manage own stress around it since we can’t control these types of parents. It’s hard. |
Anonymous
ppl +1. My sibling and I have completely let go of any idea that we can help our parents. For example, this week Mom went outside and tried to climb an ice pile and fell (she didn't need to do this, she was puttering outside). We just said, "glad you're ok, remember none of us can walk on the ice." In the past we would have twisted ourselves into a pretzel trying to help her accomplish her non-serious outdoor chore, and no help would have been accepted. For now we just ignore it until we can't anymore, because she's competent to make her own decisions, even if we think they are bad ones. It's VERY hard to get to this point but there's nothing else you can do so you have to try and save your energy for the big disaster that's coming. |
Anonymous
As long as you don’t make your kids stay in your undoubtedly undercleaned house, it’s up to you. |
Anonymous
This is what I’ve been thinking too. If you have a preference on how you want it to be when you’re retired, organize this lifestyle now. Move where you want to be. 70+ is when executive function starts to give in |
Anonymous
Fossilized 
A great way to describe people like this Just leave them be, Some people can’t be helped |
Anonymous
Even better to make sure they transfer the wealth while still alive. Much fewer opportunities to make bad decisions with no money |
Anonymous
+1. It's also too late to establish any community in your new place if you move in your 70s. My mom wants to move near us and I don't feel comfortable being her only social support. She isn't a "joiner" and she would be leaving several lifelong friends from her current hometown, as well as all of her doctors, familiar routines, etc. I asked her to move closer (at least part-time) over a decade ago, and no interest was shown in that idea. Moving her now and finding her all new doctors and being the only person she knows in her old age feels overwhelming to me at this point, as selfish as that sounds. This step needs to happen earlier or incrementally (ie a part-time place that you eventually downsize to full-time). |
Anonymous
| PP, you know your mom best. Some people, though, do fine with meeting new people, at age 70, 80 or 90. They may complain about the new environment. Mostly because it's all they have to talk about and oddly it's how they bond with others. |