elderly parents won't accept outside help
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My parents are in their mid-late 70s, not in the best shape, and in denial about their health and ability to stay in their very large home with two sets of steep staircases. My dad is cheap and will not install ADA bars or anything like that to help themselves get around. He has heart issues and bad knees, too, and won't hire a landscaper insisting he can push a lawnmower around just fine. Both are one fall away from ended up in a nursing home or weeks of rehab care. My only other sibling and I work have kids under 12. My parents do have the financial resources to help themselves. They could sell their house for more than $1 million, use a chunk of that to buy a nice modern condo without dangerous stairs, and live well while also paying for a part time helper. But they won't do it. Any other options besides waiting for the big disaster? |
Anonymous
| I am in my 70s and refuse to get housekeeping services. The thought of trying to secure all our financial and tax info and valuables is more exhausting than scrubbing tubs. |
Anonymous
| Just be as prepared as you can be for the disaster. Research some rehab options in advance so you know where to call when you need it. But basically you're in a holding pattern until the status quo changes. Trying to change things will just be a frustrating waste of energy. We've been through it with my ILs and are starting to go through it with my parents. It helps to remember they're still adults and can make their own decisions even if you think they are making the wrong decision. |
Anonymous
| The only success I have ever had in getting an elder to move is by telling them that if they move before a crisis, they will maximize their autonomy and choice about where they go. If they wait for a crisis, they will end up wherever a bed is available. I can’t say this has worked every time, but it has worked some of the time. Be ready to follow up quickly with showings/tours if there is any willingness. |
Anonymous
| Can you and your sibling do the heavy lifting of looking for a new place and closing down their current home? I suspect it is too overwhelming for them think about. Just telling them they should move isn’t enough. |
Anonymous
|
We are just waiting for the big disaster with my mom. She has plenty of money but won't pay for any help. My siblings and I have offered numerous times to help her organize and declutter to whatever extent she would like, both for her own comfort and so she can have cleaners. We would gift her a top-of-the-line-safe and have it screwed to the floor if she's worried about her jewelry. Instead she would rather live with all her "stuff" and store her valuables in a sock drawer. It's maddening bc all she does is complain but every time we offer concrete help it's rejected.
My dad had a terminal illness and it was truly terrible on both of them bc she couldn't care for him and he wouldn't accept outside help, even from the family. All this is to say, I have no advice, but I will be following this thread because you've asked an important question. |
Anonymous
| The conversations and actions for eldercare needs to happen and put in place in the 50s and 60s. Otherwise they feel loss of control. |
Anonymous
| OP I am with you. Same issue with my parents except on top of that my dad travels for weeks at a time. So my mom is left alone a lot of the time. |
Anonymous
50s? A lot of 50-year-olds have kids in high school and college, and those kids are not ready to have these conversations. At that age, you can ensure you have a solid estate plan, but anything beyond that is premature unless there is a known health issue. |
Anonymous
Well neither of those things is going to get any easier! Best to come up a plan so that you can accept the help if and when you need it. |
Anonymous
|
When you are old and frail, you can fall in a small condo too, doing something random like getting orange juice out of the fridge... Honestly I really understand wanting to just be in the home you love rather than uprooting yourself and still having plenty of risks, plus the added stress of a new environment.
I'd focus on small specific things like the bars, maybe get a person and a quote and tell them you'll be there managing the process. They might be overwhelmed just by the logistics of making it happen. |
Anonymous
| You can't force mentally competent adults to do what you want. It can be frustrating. I have been trying to get my dad to stop driving for the last two years, but he won't. He and my mom have chosen to live in a completely car dependent suburb where this is a major inconvenience to them, and he refuses to take taxis or to let us know when he needs to go places so that we can drive him. We do our best to prevent it but I know he still drives around his suburb and sometimes longer distances multiple times a week when we cannot be there. |
Anonymous
| Do they ever travel? Our snowbird parents went south in the winter, Florida or Arizona. One winter be convinced them (tricked them, really) into staying in their town and staying at a retirement place "just for the winter" so you don't have to shovel snow. Which after winter came and went, turned into -- they had moved. |
Anonymous
This is genius - how did this work? The place had short term rental units? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, sometimes the worst thing has to happen before they open their eyes. It's really sad and scary, but if they won't listen you can't force them. |